Roger Goodell would fine and suspend shoelaces if he ran FIFA.
Maybe he has some scissors in his pocket. Oh, right.
Yellow carding yourself is never fun.
It's about time someone stands up to the ball boy menace.
It's also the first non-racist soccer chant in history, so that's nice.
Prince Harry is out of control.
Picture Tony Romo: Indoor Soccer Player
Luckily interceptions aren't a thing in soccer.
"I just don't know how we're going to get through the Liverpool match without Rooney," said Greg, who you're not totally sure is from Ohio, but you are sure is from America. "Chicharito brings some spark to the table, but nobody can replace Wazza [Rooney's nickname]."
Manchester United manager Alex Ferguson made the announcement from the team's Old Trafford stadium to a group of reporters, who then relayed the tragic news to several soccer-oriented websites, one of which delivered it to Greg, a slightly older guy who you spoke to for seven minutes on one apartment visit and then decided to live with for an entire year.
"It's like how do we stay out in front of [Manchester] City and Chelsea without him?" said Greg, the stranger you share a bathroom with. "It's not like [goalkeeper David] De Gea's going to shut them out every match."
Greg, whose underwear you've taken out of a dryer and thrown into a hamper, went on to talk at length about Patrice Evra, the FA Cup, and other stuff that involves soccer, probably.
Opinion 2012: The Year in Sports Funny
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Okay, just straighten it out a bit.