Filed Under » Soccer

Johannesburg Police officials say they will not look at surveillance video taken of the scene where FIFA president Sepp Blatter was stabbed this morning.

"We had officers near the scene of the attack, and if they didn't see anything, that's the best we can do," said Johannesburg Police chief Abraham Kefentse. "I think human error is meant to be part of investigating crimes. It has always been that way."

Kefentse also said he was worried that viewing the tapes would slow the investigation down.

"There are, like, 24 hours of tape to look at," he said. "By the time we get looking at that, the perpetrator would likely be long gone and it would totally mess with the flow and tempo of our usual investigation."

Blatter was disappointed by the JPD's decision, but said he understood.

"Using video technology is a slippery slope," he said, clutching at his still bleeding wound. "You use it to find criminals, great, but soon you'll be living in a big brother state. Oh, god. Yeah, I really need to get to a hospital."

JPD officials say they will meet in a few weeks to consider consulting surveillance footage should Blatter get stabbed again.

Brazil's national soccer team took a quick, 90-minute break from making love yesterday to beat Chile, 3-0, and advance to the quarterfinals at the World Cup.

"I thought we played well," said Luis Fabiano, who scored Brazil's third goal and answered questions after the game while engaged in a three-way. "We could have played better, but there are always … ", his voiced trailed off as he ducked below the sheets to orally pleasure the Brazilian models he was with.

Chile coach Marcelo Bielsa said his team hoped for a better result.

"When we saw their players were participating in an orgy on the sidelines during pre-match warmups and during introductions, we hoped they would be tired out out on the pitch," he said. "But it only seemed to make them stronger."

Brazil coach Dunga said he encourages his players to have sex at all times when they're not playing.

"The only thing more beautiful than the beautiful game is the sex," he said. "Especially the sex with beautiful Brazilian women. My players play football so well so the match will be quickly decided, allowing them to get right back to the sex."

Thanks to the Brazilians dominating play during the match, Brazilian goalie Julio Cesar was able to engage in sex during play, stepping off the field where a young, buxom blonde was waiting for him. In the second half she was replaced by a petite and very flexible woman with black hair.

"I like playing goalie," said Cesar, after the match while having sex with both the blonde and black-haired women, in addition to a new red-haired woman.

Brazilian stars Robinho, Luis Fabiano and Kaka were subbed off during the match when the outcome was decided, allowing them to get back to the sex they were having when the match began. Kaka, however, is a devout Christian and usually does not participate in team orgies.

"I am committed to my very sexual, very beautiful wife, a former model," he said. "Watch us have sex now."

Despite featuring a roster full of household names, England's World Cup quidditch team failed to live up to the massive expectations placed on it and was bounced out of the tournament yesterday in a crushing defeat to Germany.

"It's incredibly disappointing," said team captain Harry Potter. "We invented this sport. We expect to win. But we just can't break through on the international stage."

Potter has been famous since starring at the prestigious Hogwarts school and has been propped up by the English media and public as the hope for bringing home the World Cup of Quidditch title that England has desired for so long. But with the loss, the British tabloids have turned against him with headlines like "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Failure" and "Half-Blood, No Heart."

The World Cup elimination ends a turbulent period for the English squad. Their first match against the United States ended in a tie when Robert Green yielded a goal by suddenly and inexplicably forgetting how to fly. Before the tournament there was the sex-fueled love triangle scandal involving Potter, his teammate Ron Weasley and the beautiful Hermione Granger. And, of course, all this took place while Potter was busy saving the wizarding world and fighting against Lord Voldemort and his plot to subjugate Muggles.

"I'm not going to make excuses," said Potter. "We needed to execute better. Me included. As team Seeker, I can't keep crashing into the ground."

While Potter is still relatively young and should be on the next World Cup team in four years, England's failure has set him on the path of other English sports stars such as David Beckham, Tim Henman and Wayne Rooney whose careers ended up being more about hype than results.

"If I could give one suggestion to Harry, it would be this," said Beckham. "Don't get caught up in all the outside distractions. Focus on your sport. There is time for that stuff later. The world will still be here to save after your career is over. Probably."