Financial documents from five major league teams were leaked on Sunday and Monday, revealing that many teams' operating revenue expenditures are outgaining their expected debt disclosures or something. Who really cares.
"I think we can take one clear message from this," said Mark Hunt, an accountant who reviewed the Pittsburgh Pirates' financials. "And that's that the team's ticket revenues have, month-to-month, capped deferred payment residuals ", he continued, blabbing on about some of the most boring shit ever.
Fans of the five teams whose financial documents were relased the Pirates, Marlins, Rays, Mariners and Angels have become outraged over the reports. Thousands of fans at last night's Pirates game gathered outside the stadium before the game started to chant "Who The Fk Cares!" and "We're So Bored By This We Could Die!" While Angels fans chanted "Financials Suck! Financials Suck!" and held signs depicting themselves napping or drooling.
Major Legue Baseball is attempting to find the source of the leaked documents, which are not intended to be made public.
"This is a serious matter," said a league office source. "We are constantly fighting the perception that baseball is boring. Now to have financial documents thrown into it well, this could obviously be much worse for the sport than all of the steroids scandals combined. It's just hard to get motivated to go find who did it. I feel so drousy since the reports came out."
While the financial reports seemed to suggest that the Florida Marlins have made significant profits if you were somehow able to read that far into the reports without wanting to kill yourself, team president David Samson insisted the fans will see the benefits of those profits.
"We are committed to never having these sort of documents made public again," he said. "That is a promise to our fans. We will use those profits to beef up security so fans never have to be as bored as they are today."
SportsPickle is previewing each MLB team in the lead up to Opening Day 2010. Today:Seattle Mariners (2009: 85-77, 3rd in AL West)
In one of the most complex trades in MLB history, Phillies general manager Ruben Amaro, Jr. has been dealt to the Seattle Mariners for Blue Jays pitcher Roy Halladay and a collection of prospects. Amaro, who became Phillies GM in 2008, initiated the deal by sending Cliff Lee to the Mariners, but three days and six teams later, Amaro has found himself in Seattle.
“I…don’t know what happened,” Amaro said, calling from what presumes is now his house in the suburbs of Seattle. “I called the Mariners to offer them Cliff Lee for some prospects, which I planned to spin over to Toronto for Roy Halladay, then somehow the Angels got involved, then the Dodgers, then the Oakland A’s, and a few whirlwind days later…here I am. I guess I kind of traded myself to Seattle, if that’s possible. Or not. I really don’t know what the hell just happened. Can somebody please call Pat Gillick?”
According to FoxSports.com, the details of the trade are as follows: Cliff Lee to the Mariners for prospects Phillipe Aumont and Juan Ramirez; Phillies farmhands Kyle Drabek and Michael Taylor and possibly J.A. Happ to the Blue Jays for Roy Halladay and maybe some cash; Aumont and Ramirez to the Dodgers for outfielder Matt Kemp, who was then sent to Oakland for Brett Wallace, who was flipped back to the Phillies for Amaro.
“Somehow, in all the confusion, in all the phone calls between GMs and assistant GMs, my name ended up in the mix,” said Amaro. “It’s going to take a lot of untangling to figure out where this all went wrong. Hopefully we can reverse the deal and send me back where I belong, but that’s going to be difficult. One piece gets pulled out of this deal and the whole thing falls through. It’s possible that I may just have to stay in Seattle. It’s not bad, I guess. Puget Sound is pretty.”
When questioned, Mariners GM Jack Zduriencik said he had “no idea” how Amaro ended up on the team’s roster and, in fact, wasn’t sure exactly who the team had acquired in the bizarre, tangled transaction.
“I wish I had a good answer for you,” Zduriencik told Ken Rosenthal of Fox Sports. “I don’t even really know who we got and who we got rid of in this thing yet, to tell you the truth. I was kind of hoping you would tell me. All I know is that we got Cliff Lee. Wait, we did, right? Because if we didn’t we might have to ship Ruben back to Philly to get him.”
The Commissioner’s office has yet to comment on the transaction, but rules state that a general manager cannot be part of such a transaction. However, Rosenthal reports that until the final details of the deal are fully understood, the league probably won’t get involved.
“It’s kind of hard for the league or the union to get involved here since the details of the trade are so hazy,” said Rosenthal. "I will say this: the Mariners got a heck of a personnel man in Ruben Amaro, Jr. He’s one of the sharpest young minds in the game. Also, just as an aside: I broke this story. Ken Rosenthal of Fox Sports. I don’t know what the damn story is quite yet, but I broke it. Kiss my ass, Jon Heyman.”
ADD: Jarrod Washburn, P, Mariners Chances are no one in your fantasy league drafted Washburn back before the season started. And for good reason Washburn lost at least 14 games each of the last three seasons and only once posted an ERA below 4.32 since 2002. Yet now, more than halfway through the 2009 season, the former Angel is 8-6 with a 2.71 ERA and a remarkable 1.06 WHIP. He may not be a sexy waiver wire pickup, but look at your roster there's a great chance Washburn is better than someone you currently have pitching. What, he's not?! Oh, so you think you're better than me or something?! You know what? Fk, you guy. You're a dick, you know that? I was just trying to help.