San Francisco Giants general manager Brian Sabean has been working the phones as the Major League Baseball trade dealine approaches, proposing deals and repeatedly mentioning that he has a big penis in hopes that will work it's way into the news.
"With the amount of inaccurate news that is printed around this time of year every season, I don't see what it can hurt," said Sabean. "If someone is going to write that we're shopping Barry Zito, which we're not, I don't see why they can't also say I'm packing 11 inches, which is also incredibly not true."
Sabean has said his penis-size discussion has caused several legitimate trade talks to fall apart.
"I was close to making a deal with a team from the NL Central for a power bat and I mentioned that I had a huge penis that is so big it scares many women because they're not sure they can take it all," said Sabean. "And the other GM got all weirded out by that and got off the phone. So it's a definite trade-off. I might lose out on a good deal or two and hurt the team but, on the other hand, it will definitely all be worth it if this makes the news."
Baseball reporters have also been hearing a lot from Sabean lately.
"He keeps texting me some great trade scoops," said Ken Rosenthal of Fox Sports. "And, so far, they've all been legit. The only thing is that he attaches a cell phone pick of a huge, prosthetic penis to all of his texts with a P.S. 'yeah, it's mine.' So I'm not sure if I should run the trade information or not."
Citing a lack of locker room cohesion caused by “somepeople” being complete dweebs, several of the popular players on the San Francisco Giants have decided to hold a “Cool Players Only” meeting to address the situation.
“We gave out invitations during batting practice so everyone could see who’s chill and who isn’t," said starting pitcher Barry Zito, a total dreamboat who everyone agrees is the most popular player on the team. “It’s gonna be pretty cool, I stole some of my Mom’s whiskey and Tim Lincecum’s getting cough syrup. We’ll probably get totally wasted.”
Parents of several uninvited players were upset to learn about what had happened, and have voiced their displeasure to the media and Giants brass.
“Guys can be so harsh at that age," said Juanita Mota, mother of reliever Guillermo Mota. “You don’t really think about others feelings when you’re that young, but stuff like this can be damaging psychologically to someone in their mid-30s.”
Giants General Manager Brian Sabean has had to defend himself after coming under fire for allowing the meeting to take place in his office.
“Look, these guys are going to drink whether we want them to or not. And I’d rather have them doing that stuff somewhere where I can supervise and know they’re okay.”
SportsPickle is previewing each MLB team in the lead up to Opening Day 2010. Today:San Francisco Giants (2009: 88-74, 3rd in NL West).