Fully bearded in the 6th grade. He's going to get a young female teacher fired.
"Have you seen him?" said MLB commissioner Bud Selig. "He has a beard. But not just any beard. It's a dark black beard and it's large almost comically so. Plus, he's really intense about his beard. So we're very confident that Brian Wilson and his beard will resonate all across the country and get people excited about baseball."
Wilson, or Wilson's beard, has been pushed heavily since the Giants won the World Series last October. The Wilson/beard combo is a frequent interview subject and the star of several national ad campaigns, including spots for MLB and ESPN.
"You see, he has a big beard and has had two successful seasons in the major leagues," said Rob Brandon, MLB Director of Marketing. "There's really no way to beat that. It writes itself, just like how facial hair grows itself. But unlike most men, Brian doesn't shave so that's what makes him so cool and marketable. It couldn't be clearer."
While Wilson and his beard remain the sport's focal point for 2011, MLB officials say they are open to also promoting other above-average players with unusual growths or poor hygiene.
Picture "Dodgers Suck," Claims Plane
That plane knows baseball.
Tim Lincecum will do grow some as soon as he hits puberty.
I guess this is why Josh Elliott left for Good Morning America.
"You always hope for a full conviction on every charge," said federal prosecutor Jeff Nedrow. "But we did get him on the one that is by far the most embarrassing and the one people will talk about."
For having shrunken testicles, Bonds will receive the federally suggested jail time of zero days in jail. The judge did, however, suggest that everyone make fun of Bonds and point and laugh at him when they see him in the street.
"It is the opinion of this court," said judge Susan Illston, "that anyone who sees Mr. Bonds from this day forward should say stuff like: 'Ha-ha! You have small balls!' And: 'Hey, Mr. Tiny Balls!' And well, various iterations of those. Coming up with taunts about small testicles is not really my strength. Basically, just make fun of him for having iddy bitty testicles, okay?"
Look at him looking all wacky. So wacky. What whackiness.
Video This Is Not Tim Lincecum
Yeah, the real Tim Lincecum is way more high.
That scarf would look better over his face. (via @ChronLiveCSN)
Although this is probably his regular season diet, too.