Filed Under » San Francisco 49ers

THE ROB GRONKOWSKI

Directions: Pop open a bottle of Cristal and pour it all over a famous porn star. Then drink the Cristal off of her or just have sex with her or drink the champagne off or her while having sex with her. Violently spike the bottle on the ground when done.

THE BILL BELICHICK

Directions: Fill up a cocktail shaker with bleach and gasoline. Shake well. Splash the mixture into the face of someone nearby. Set it on fire. Then laugh.

THE VERNON DAVIS

Directions: Fill a glass to the top with Champagne. Then weep into it to taste.

THE JOE FLACCO

Directions: Show up at a cocktail party with an expired can of Keystone Light. Then complain if no one gives you credit for supplying the booze and making the party awesome.

THE ELI MANNING

Directions: Fill a sippy cup with Juicy Juice. Then ask your mom if it's okay to have juice or if you should instead have milk or water. Pour out the Juicy Juice and have milk. Let milk sit while you watch the first 10 minutes of Sponge Bob. Then drink.

Tom Brady = The Rich, Handsome Kid

He has it all. He's rich, he has the nicest clothes and the hottest girlfriend in school (although his clothes are a bit on the dandy side). Everyone hates him. Because everyone wishes they were him.

Eli Manning = The Dork in Bloom

Every moment of his elementary and middle school years were spent stuffed inside a locker, getting his underwear pulled over his head or having spitballs shot at his face. He was the biggest dork in the entire grade. But suddenly he's starting to come into his own. He's made a few sports teams. Girls are starting to notice him. Who knows, he might even grow up to be the richest and most successful graduate in his whole class.