News 49ers Trade Alex Smith and Colin Kaepernick to the Chiefs Just to Torture Smith
"Yes! I can't wait to play for the Chiefs!" Smith exclaimed when told of the trade.
"Son of a BITCH," he added, when informed of the full details of trade.
San Francisco head coach Jim Harbaugh said the deal was just too good to pass up.
"It was completely worth it for the look on Alex's face when I told him he was traded to the Chiefs — he was so excited — only to then tell him that Colin was going, too," said Harbaugh. "I will never forget the look of joy to complete depression in a moment. So hilarious. It made my day."
Harbaugh admits that including his young starting quarterback in the trade will likely hurt his team in the short-run.
"But, hey, we didn't win the Super Bowl with Colin anyway, so I felt that screwing with Alex like this would be the perfect way to get us over that loss and get us laughing and having fun again," said the coach. "And it was. Seriously, you should have seen the look on Alex's face. I hope someone got a picture of it. Priceless."
Video The Taiwanese Animation of Super Bowl XLVII
Are Taiwanese animations ELITE animations?
Opinion Super Bowl Party Recipes from the 49ers and Ravens
Joe Flacco's "World's Best" Pizza
Recipe
1. Get an average pizza delivered.
2. Serve.
3. Tell everyone it's the best pizza.
4. Hope they believe it.
5. Ask everyone to pay more than the pizza is worth.
Ray Rice's Delicious Production Pizza
Recipe
1. Take Joe Flacco's plain pizza out of the trash.
2. Add delicious toppings to it.
3. Re-serve.
4. Listen to people talk about how Joe Flacco is an ELITE chef.
News Dorky Brothers Next Door Dreaming of Coaching in the Super Bowl Together One Day
"We've always dreamed of coaching in a Super Bowl," said Kevin, 11, older brother of Jeff, age nine. "We always pretend coach in the backyard, going through game scenarios and calling timeouts. It's so much fun."
Jeff says he believes the brothers' dream will one day come true.
"My mom says that dreams — even ones that people call lame or depressing or weird — can come true if you really believe and work hard," the boy said. "She told me that right after I tried out for head coach of my 8-to-10 year-old football team."
"They were the first boys to ever try out for coach," said the boys' mother, Cheryl. "I mean, obviously, right? Because it's weird. But I asked the coach if there was any way he could use them as assistants, and he eventually agreed."
The two boys, who are believed to be the only people to ever ask for EA Sports' "NFL Head Coach" game for Christmas, now stand on the sidelines holding clipboards and markers while their peers play.
"What kind of weirdo dreams of being a coach one day?" said the team's head coach, Chuck Riley. "I wanted to be a quarterback when I was their age. And a star quarterback, too, not the kind that Jim Harbaugh was. To be honest, Kip and John — or whatever those kids' names are — creep the hell out of me. But I let them help out with the team because I don't want to get sued for discriminating against disabled kids. I assume they're disabled, right?"
Opinion 7 Reasons the 49ers Suck and Will Get Killed in Super Bowl XLVII
1. Colin Kaepernick is going to crap all over himself.
Yes, Colin Kaepernick is exciting and talented. Yes, he has a bright future. But quarterbacks don't just show up and suddenly win a Super Bowl. It just doesn't happen. He's going to take the field in the first quarter of Super Bowl XLVII, line up to take the snap and look across the line and see Ray Lewis frothing deer antler spray and the hideous piranha face of Terrell Suggs and realize they intend to kill him. And then he'll realize that he's playing on worldwide television in front of more than 100 million people. And then he'll realize that just two years ago he was playing for freaking Nevada on Fox Sports Southwest against teams like Idaho and Utah State and that none of their defensive players were insane or heard voices from God or had been charged with double murder. And then he will realize there is crap in his pants. And then later he will realize he's thrown another pick-six and is losing 31-3 and it's not halftime yet.
2. Jim Harbaugh is massively overrated.
Jim Harbaugh is seen as the new football coaching hotness, but what has he really accomplished as a coach? Are you impressed by the FCS Pioneer League titles with the University of San Diego Toreros? Is it that Orange Bowl win over mighty Virginia Tech? Harbaugh couldn't even beat his idiot older brother John last year in the first Harbaugh vs. Harbaugh matchup, losing 16-6. People think Jim Harbaugh's yelling and screaming shows he is intense and dedicated to winning. No. Sometimes animals just yell and scream because they're confused and scared and dumb. Jim Harbaugh is basically a monkey stuck in a box.
3. The 49ers haven't beaten anyone.
The last time the 49ers played against an actual NFL defense back on December 23rd, they lost 42-13 to the Seahawks. That's what happens to their pistoly read option gimmick-fest when they face professional-quality defensive players. Since then they've lit up the Packers — whose defense is composed of extras from Aaron Rodgers commercials — and the Falcons, who spend their free time on a corner in a bad part of town, blowing leads for money. The 49ers will go into shock and pass out when they discover the Ravens intend to, you know, try to tackle them.
Picture Colin Kaepernick Has Very Specific Instagram Tastes
Yeah, it's attractive females.
Picture Colin Kaepernick Arm Cake
It's pretty good until you get to the hard, bone-like interior.
News Alex Smith Checks Out New Orleans Voodoo Shop For Shits, Giggles, Voodoo
"We should totally check out one of those voodoo places," suggested Smith to a group of 49ers special teams players he deems 'friends'. "Like, just as a joke – just to see what kind of weirdos hang out there. It's like 'Oooh, magic, we're so scared.' But seriously, cab picks us up in 10 minutes."
Smith, the 49ers starting quarterback to begin the season, was replaced by second-year quarterback Colin Kaepernick in Week 10, despite leading the 49ers to a 6-2-1 record. Although San Francisco has continued success, some wonder if Smith is wishing ill-will towards Kaepernick.
"Look at this voodoo doll, it's got markings that kinda look like tattoos," laughed Smith. "How much do you guys dare me to buy it?"
