I hope he at least also hates Norv Turner.
Most team logos represent nothing more than a team's name and colors. But the San Diego Chargers logo means so much more.
Of course, we all know what the San Diego Chargers logo looks like.
Here it is. It looks like a lightning bolt. But scroll down to discover why it is so much more than that.
Google, Inc. has purchased the website FireNorv.net for $1 billion, a deal that gives the internet giant control of the most-trafficked and most-established "Fire Coach" website in the world.
"Since 1994 when the Internet was first coming into broad use in homes, FireNorv.net was already there thanks to Norv Turner's 3-13 season with the Washington Redskins," read Google's statement announcing the deal. "Through the dotcom bubble and beyond, the FireNorv.net's growth has continued thanks to Norv Turner's continued failure in Washington, Oakland and San Diego. We are excited to lead this growth into the new decade and beyond."
Most industry analysts say Google got a huge bargain in the deal considering Turner's now three-decade stranglehold on coaching ineptitude at the professional level. But FireNorv.net's owner says he was happy with the $1 billion figure.
"It's never been about the money," he said. "It's always been about making sure Norv Turner never gets to coach another team. I can't believe we've been around for 16 years. When we were just a start-up, most said we wouldn't last more than a year tops. Norv was that bad."
And he still is. Yet the coach keeps getting opportunities, which is why Google doesn't see risk in making the deal now, when Turner could get fired by the Chargers.
"If the Chargers let him go, he'll probably get hired by the Bills," said industry analyst Jeremy Rogers. "FireNorv.net's business model is built as much on Norv Turner being a moron as it is on NFL general managers being morons. It's very sound."
Google will immediately plug FireNorv.net into its keyword engine, bringing the site traffic when anyone searches for keywords such as "failure", "loss", "unmitigated fking disaster", "Hindenburg", and "Is Norv really his name?".
Analysts expect Google to earn back its purchase price in the first year, especially if Turner makes another playoff performance.
A terrified Darren Sproles stopped to catch his breath in the deep, safe grass of the Oakland Coliseum outfield last night after scurrying across the dirt infield for a 20-yard gain against the Raiders. After the brief stop, the miniature Chargers back checked to see that the coast was clear and then pushed his way through the dense field before emerging in the end zone.
"I saw him shoot out across the dirt," said Raiders defensive lineman Richard Seymour. "I almost stomped him with my foot, and thenNnamdi Asomugha almost hit with a broom. But he was too fast. Too shifty."
And then once he made it to the grass, Sproles was out of sight.
"I didn't even bother looking for him," said Seymour. "That's why we set Sproles traps out there. Apparently we need to set more because he's still loose."
Once Sproles made it through the end zone, he climbed up the goal post to the crossbar and waved his arms to show that he had scored. But the trek had taken so long, play had continued on without him.
"We thought he had gone to his nest or something," said head referee Jeff Trimble. "Play had to continue. He was gone for minutes. Plus, it's not fair for him to carry a tiny football, too. I know he has his handicap and the NFL tries to be sensitive to that, but that makes him impossible to see."
Sproles says he would have to retire if he is forced to use a regulation-size football.
"I would be crushed," he said. "And I may be small, but you might be surprised at the amount of blood inside me. I'm like a small mosquito."
Amid previous allegations of battery and false imprisonment, reality TV star Tila Tequila today filed additional charges against her boyfriend, Chargers All-Pro linebacker Shawne Merriman, with the San Diego police department, accusing him of choking her to death, placing her body inside a duffel bag, and throwing her corpse into the Pacific Ocean.
“It’s time for the truth to come out,” Tequila told reporters. “Over the past few days, Shawne Merriman and his lawyers have done everything in their power to disgrace and discredit me. They’ve portrayed as a drunken, lying attention whore. Well, now it’s time for the truth to come out. Shawne Merriman murdered me, in cold blood.”
Tequila alleges that, on the night in question, Merriman demanded she participate in a five-way orgy with three other women, one of them famed aviatrix Amelia Earhart. When she refused, she claims Merriman grew enraged, throwing her against the wall and placing her hands around her throat, choking her until her pulse flat-lined.
“And I begged Shawne to stop,” Tequila said, “but he just squeezed harder and harder. And then I saw a white light, and I knew that was it. I knew I was gone.”
Paramedics arrived at the scene were unable to revive Ms. Tequila in the ambulance. According to Ms. Tequila, she was pronounced dead on arrival at Scripps Mercy Hospital.
“It’s just such a senseless tragedy,” she said. “I was young girl, and there were so many things I wanted to do with my life.To think that I’ll never get married and have children… to think that my mother will never hear my voice again… It’s just so awful. The hardest part is accepting that I’m dead, and I’m not coming back."
“Also, y’all gotta come see me host Smirnoff Ice’s NFL Kickoff party at Rain in Vegas this weekend,” she added. “It’s gonna be AMAZING.”
Merriman’s camp responded immediately to Tequila’s claims.
“These charges are completely without merit,” said laywer Todd Macaluso. “I demand an autopsy be performed on Ms. Tequila’s body immediately. My client is even willing to pay the cost of it, and perform it himself if that’s okay with everyone.”
Tequila countered Macaluso’s statements on her Twitter feed:
“They can say wat they want yall. But Shawne can’t hide from the fact someone was killed that nite: Me. Love you guys! Xoxoxoxo, Tila”
Our reporter spent the day at San Diego Chargers training camp in San Diego. Here are his notes.
> With the contracts of Philip Rivers, Shawne Merriman, Darren Sproles, Chris Chambers, Vincent Jackson and Marcus McNeill all set to expire after the season, there is a definite sense in Chargers camp that the window of opportunity is closing. Plus, the Broncos, Chiefs and Raiders can't possibly suck to this degree for much longer, right?
> The Chargers are motivated to change the perception that they are soft. As such, they have begun attending therapy sessions to talk about how that perception hurts them.
> Despite turning 30 and coming off the worst season of his career, LaDainian Tomlinson says he is better than ever. And if he can be only 10 times better than Shaun Alexander was under similar circumstances at age 30, the Chargers might have an adequate complimentary back in Tomlinson this year.
> This is a photo I took at camp of Darren Sproles -> . It is magnified to 200-percent of life-size.
> You know how as a reporter you are supposed to be all impartial and everything? Well, despite all that it took the entirety of my will to stop myself from walking up and kicking Philip Rivers in the nuts.
> They are apparently still letting Norv Turner coach this talented team. Really.