News Roger Goodell books My Chemical Romance for Super Bowl halftime: "I'm totally into emo right now"
"Emo is just more where I'm at in my musical evolution right now," said the commissioner at a press conference, slumped in a chair behind a microphone and sporting a new black hairdo and what appeared to be black eyeliner. "I guess with this labor deal coming up and all the criticism thrown my way I'm getting more in touch with my emotions. And there is sadness there. There is angst."
Goodell said he simply could not stand by and let the Black Eyed Peas play his league's premier event.
"It's corporate sh-t music," said the commissioner. "I see that now. I used to be into all of that Top 40 crap, but my eyes have been opened. I'm finally seeing the world the way it is. And it's so fked."
The commissioner was first introduced to emo music last weekend by his 15 year-old niece, Shelley Goodell, at a family gathering. Since then he has completely changed his look, his circle of friends and has covered the walls of his Manhattan office with band posters.
News Roger Goodell: "I will continue paying myself more than $10 million per year if there is no work stoppage"
Goodell, who makes more than $10 million a year as commissioner, also stated that he will slash his salary to $1 if there is a work stoppage. "But that's obviously just a symbolic gesture," said the commissioner. "It's not like I'll notice it much because I have made a fortune doing this job. Seriously, I am loaded."
With his massive compensation package, Goodell makes more than only a handful of NFL stars a fact he feels is more than deserved.
"I may not fill seats and sell jerseys like our players do," he said. "No one buys tickets or turns on the TV for me. But I move the needle. The vast majority of fans hate me and think I am absolutely terrible at my job. I get people talking. That kind of publicity is invaluable."
Goodell also said he does a lot of behind-the-scenes work that doesn't get noticed.
NFL Commissioner RogerGoodellheld a press conference Wednesday to reiterate his strict stance on violations of the NFL conduct policy, adding emphasis on making sure players do not "get caught up in dumbass fucked up bullshit."
After recent incidents involving NFL players Ben Roethlisberger, Santonio Holmes, and Antonio Cromartie,Goodellsaid he felt it was important to remind the league about possible suspensions and even expulsions for involvement in behavior that could be construed as "ridiculously stupid," "fucking mindless," and "just straight up dumb."
"As a member of the NFL, you are held to a higher standard and expected to conduct yourself in a way that is responsible and represents the league in positive way," saidGoodell. "Don't be a fucking moron. Use your goddamn brain."
Goodellcontinued by adding that no action by a member of the NFL should make people shake their heads in disgust, slap their foreheads, or want to call their local sports radio show to go on a swear-filled rant.
Despite recent allegations, a report from CBS Sportssays arrests, major citations, meat-headed fuck-ups for NFL players are down by nearly 50-percent in the past year compared to the year beforeGoodellimplemented his policy in April 2007.
According to the report, 28% of player arrests are DUIs, 22% involves fighting and disorderly conduct, and the other 50% are the stupidest fucking bullshit that even a two-year-old would know not to do.
When asked to address the sexual assault allegations against Ben Roethlisberger,Goodellsaid, "The issue is [Roethlisberger] has had a pattern of poor behavior, and I will take it into consideration when deciding on a punishment. Every player in the league, every coach, and every associate most be held accountable in upholding these standards."
AddedGoodell: "Just doing be a fucking twat, okay?"
Roger Goodell has been criticized for seeming to have no method to his suspension madness. This guy gets a four-game suspension for a seemingly minor traffic infraction, that guy gets a $5,000 fine for serial genocide.
But there really is a uniform procedure in place. It's a point system. And SportsPickle is the first to see it.
NFL SUSPENSION GENERATOR
1. Has the player been arrested? (Add 0 points for NO. Add 5 points for YES.)
2. Was the arrest caught on tape? (Add 0 points for NO. Add 10 points for YES.)
3. Was anything killed? (Add 0 points for NO and jump to #4. Add 20 points for YES.)
3(a). What was killed? (Add 10 points for human(s). Add 50 points for dog and 100 for each additional dog. Add 10 points if it was a plant, 20 if the plant was killed by lighting it on fire and smoking it.)
4. Does the player play in a large market? (Add 0 points for YES. Add 10 points for NO.)
5. Is the player white? (Add 0 points for YES.)
6. Is the player Asian? (Add 0 points for YES.)
7. Is the player Latino? (Add 0 points for YES.)
8. Is the player Native American? (Add 0 points for YES.)
9. Is the player something other than what's found in 5-8? (Add 10 points for YES.)
10. Does the player have a history of recreational drug use (not counting steroids and painkillers, of course)? (Add 0 points for NO. Add 5 points for YES.)
11. Does the player have a history of using steroids and/or painkillers? (Add 0 points for NO. Submit name to Canton voters for YES.)
12. Did the player stink of strip club when you met with him? (Add 0 points for NO. Add 10 points for YES and wash hands.)
13. Was the crime committed in sweat pants? (Add 0 points for NO. Point, laugh and mock for YES.)
14. Does the player watch "Happening Now" on Fox News, hosted by my wife, Jane Skinner? (Deduct 20 points for YES. Add 10 points for NO and have NFL Security investigate them for possible socialist behaviors.)
15. Is the player a fellow ginger? (Add 15 points for NO. Deduct 100 points for YES.)
16. Think of a number between 10 and 100. Now add that many points to the score. Or deduct that many. Whichever.
0 to 10 points = monetary fine
11 to 20 points = kangaroo
21 to 30 points = 7
31 to 40 points = the moon landing was a hoax
41 to 50 points = I smell paint.
51 points or more = I'M CRAZY!!!!
With Michael Vick facing the biggest interview of his life this week with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell,new accusations have been levied against the one-time NFL star Michael Vick. According to numerous sources, Vick has worn shoes made from the skin of murdered cows for the entirety of his college and professional career.
“Yes, it’s true,” said Vick’s attorney, Roger Martin. “We maintain that he sincerely regrets his role in the dogfighting ring, but he does have a history of wearing cow flesh on his feet. He’s not proud of it, but I think this admission proves that we have nothing to hide. Ohmigod did I say hide? That was totally unintentional. Honestly. I'm not trying to make light of this with a poor pun. Please believe me. I don't want Roger Goodell to think we think this is funny.”
But while Vick’s camp admits to his dark history of wearing discarded animal hides, the story is not likely to die there.
“These cow skins he has been wearing are taken from cows that were systematically slaughtered for use of nothing but their skin,” said a source within the federal prosecutor’s office. “We think this shows a pattern of animal cruelty in Michael’s past. Many of the cows had their neck’s slit or were electrocuted or shot – methods no less cruel than how Michael and his friends executed their dogs.”
Many of Vick’s supporters say the troubled quarterback is being singled out for something that many people take part in.
“Wearing shoes made of cow skins is a cultural thing,” said Vick’s brother Marcus. “There are parts of the country where dogfighting is not a big deal. Just as there are other parts of the country were slaughtering cows in order to make comfortable, stylish footwear is accepted, too. I doubt Goodell is going to show up to their meeting wearing shoes and a belt made out of recycled newspapers, you know?”
Marcus Vick's statement suggests his brother may also wear some sort of animal flesh around his waist.
What: To a meeting to discuss your reinstatement into the the NFL now that you are out of federal prison for running a dogfighting ring!
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When: Friday, July 24, 2009 at Noon sharp!
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Where: The offices of NFL commissioner Roger Goodell 280 Park Avenue, 15th Floor, New York, NY!
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What To Bring: Sincere remorse. And an appetizer! And if it's nice, your swim trunks!
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What Not To Bring: Dog pelts or dogfighting paraphernalia! Strippers. Also, nothing with peanuts. (Roger is allergic!)
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RSVP: Through your agent by Thursday, July 23rd!
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Hope to see you! Be there or be in the UFL! (LOL!)
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