During a commercial break in last night's "Football Night In America" broadcast on NBC, new panelist Rodney Harrison rose from his seat and dove into the knees of fellow anchor Dan Patrick, seriously injuring the media personality.
"It's been almost a year now since I've been on a football field," said Harrison. "I miss hurting people. It was great to hit another man again when he's not expecting it."
Harrison said he felt Patrick was a good target because he is the approximate size of an NFL quarterback.
"Plus he dyes his hair. He had it coming," said Harrison. "I would have taken out Keith Olbermann, but that pussy probably would have tried to sue."
Patrick's left knee was horrifically twisted and he suffered a nasty gash on his shoulder from falling down off the set stage into the corner of a step.
"There is blood everywhere!" he boomed, his intense pain not affecting his broadcaster's voice. "You can't stop the blood, you can only hope to contain it! It burns! My shoulder is en fuego!"
Harrison says he hopes to take out more of his NBC colleagues as the season goes on.
"Peter King? Definitely. That guy is a total tool," he said. "Costas? I would break that dude in half. And even under the threat of a lawsuit, I'm still taking Olbermann down. That would be too fun. I bet his glasses would break. And he'd cry. Awesome."
But there is one colleague Harrison plans to avoid.
"Tony Dungy," he said. "Have you seen the eyes on that guy? Creepy. If I hurt him he'd probably put some weird voodoo, mind control thing on me. I'd have to hit him hard enough to kill him so he can't do his voodoo. And I don't know if I'm capable of that anymore. That's why I unfortunately had to retire from football."