"We never planned to get married. I never planned to get married. I'm rich, famous and 23 years old. Why would I get married?" said Griffin. "We just did this to get free stuff from stupid fans by putting up an online registry. And it worked!"
"Fans are such morons!" said a cackling Griffin, while randomly turning on and off some 50 blenders he received from fans who ordered them off of his wedding registry. "And look at me now! No man has ever had so much loot from Bed Bath & Beyond. Life doesn't get better than this!"
In addition to the four or five dozen blenders "I lost count," said Griffin, "but I'll definitely be getting my blend on" Griffin got three Oneida Satin Sand Dune 45-Piece Flatware sets, giving him an impressive haul of 135 pieces of silverware.
"It's an embarrassment of silverware," said Griffin. "My teammates are going to be so jealous."
News Undrafted DIII Quarterback Replaces Colin Kaepernick Replaces Russell Wilson Replaces Robert Griffin III Replaces Andrew Luck As Fresh Face of NFL Playoffs
Expected to taking over for Atlanta in a set of circumstances no crazier than Kaepernick continuing to start over a healthy Alex Smith, the unheralded benchwarmer from a Division III college will soon run, gun, and slash his way to an NFC Championship Game win against the Niners, making him the new young quarterback everyone won't shut up about.
"Colin Kaepernick used to be the NFL's next big star, but that's what we said about Russell Wilson, and about Robert Griffin III, and earlier that afternoon about Andrew Luck," said ESPN analyst Tom Jackson. "Logically this new kid is the future of football itself, just because he's the best not-old quarterback on a 2012 playoff team."
This new guy who you don't even know the name of yet will be one of this year's two Super Bowl quarterbacks. That means two full weeks of analysts talking up his upside, even though the upside of every fresh face of the 2012 NFL Playoffs has been weaker than the last one.
"Nothing proves that Colin Kaepernick can't win games in the NFL more than the way Colin Kaepernick won last week's NFL game," said fellow analyst Ron Jaworski. "He's been skating by with a gunslinging quarterback style, similar to Wilson and RGIII and Luck's gunslinging quarterback styles, that doesn't have the staying power of this new kid's gunslinging quarterback style."
Picture RGIII's New Nickname
He's so awesome, he gets to park close to every building.
"I had no idea," said rookie receiver Joe Adams. "Some of these old-heads have amazing stories to tell. Now, I don't know if you can believe everything the vets say. They like to put you on. But Mr. Newton told it like it was real."
Rookie linebacker Luke Kuechly said he also enjoyed listening to Newton.
"First of all, it was great to hear some little-known NFL history," he said. "But it also made me realize that I have to treasure my time in the NFL. It's amazing to think you could go from supposedly being the next big thing to you know, what Mr. Newton is now."
Opinion Apple Has Released the RG4
News Redskins: "Kirk Cousins is the right quarterback to move us past the 40-hour Robert Griffin III era"
"This is a team in flux," said Redskins head coach Mike Shanahan. "Way back on Thursday we had Robert Griffin III. And while that was an exciting time full of potential, football is about more than headlines and fun. I think our fans will look back fondly at those 40 hours, but as an organization it's time we past all the hoopla and into a new era. We feel Kirk Cousins provides the steadiness that we are looking for as a team right now."
Cousins says he is excited to take the reins of the Redskins, but admitted it is a tough situation.
"I won't say it's going to be easy to come in here right away and fill RGIII's shoes," said the former Michigan State signal caller. "The guy accomplished about as much as a quarterback can in an evening, a full day and then the next morning. But my time is now at least until the Redskins sign or trade for a quarterback, which they will probably do later this week."
T-shirts, stadium, players, games really everything about the Redskins is depressing.
Barbecue Chicken Griffin could also start at quarterback for the Redskins.
Yet all that is about to end in a few weeks when he is selected in the NFL Draft by the Washington Redskins.
"I'm normally a happy-go-lucky guy," said Griffin, sitting courtside as he watched the Baylor women's basketball team win the national championship. "But ever since the Redskins traded up to take me No. 2, I've been trying to enjoy every last moment because it's all going to go downhill pretty fast. I have a death sentence. And I say that as an optimist."
With the NFL Draft scheduled to begin on April 26th, Griffin is counting down the days until he becomes a Redskin by checking things off of his bucket list.
"I'm going to go skydiving, I want to see Asia, I plan to learn the guitar," said Griffin. "There's so much I want to see and do and enjoy before it's too late. What's coming really makes me treasure all the time I have left. Becoming a Redskin is a curse, but it's also a blessing. It's the only way to look at it that will keep you from stepping in front of a bus."
Whoa! Whoa! Pump the breaks. Literally. You might hit someone.