"Yeah, me and that fat shitstain of a twin brother of mine, Rob, are going to hang out this weekend," said New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan. "We'll probably shoot some pool, go to Hooters and maybe fire up the ol' Nintendo."
Rex Ryan says he had a Nintendo at his "bitchin' pad" back when he was defensive coordinator at Morehead State from 1990 to 1993.
"Late 20s, one bedroom apartment in Morehead, Kentucky, cable TV with the nudie channels, a Nintendo," he said. "Yeah, I was living the life. My dickhead brother was at Tennessee State then and he'd pop over on free weekends and we'd go all out on Tecmo Bowl from morning to night."
Rob Ryan says the Harbaugh brothers are getting all the coaching attention right now, but he knows the Ryans are the best.
"You want to know how I knew I was the best defensive mind in the game?" asked the unemployed Rob Ryan, sitting shirtless on his brother's couch. "I beat Rex one day and he had Bo Jackson and the Raiders."
That sucky Tony Romo couldn't score 356 points per game.
"Roger is just a little guy, but we all love him a great deal," said Rob, pulling up his shirt to reveal a his twin protruding from his midsection. An identical brother with Rob and Rex Ryan, the Jets head coach, Roger has flowing gray hair and a goatee.
"How you fkers doin' out there?" said Roger. "Any of you ladies ever done it with a conjoined?" he added before Rob pulled his shirt back down over Roger's body.
"I felt it was time to reveal the truth," said Rob. "People were asking me about the weird protuberance under my shirt, asking if I had some extreme tumor or even if I was pregnant. No, it's just Roger. And he's put some weight on lately. It's been a stressful season."
Rob also blamed Roger for some of the late-game calls that have seen the Cowboys defense collapse repeatedly in the fourth quarter of games.
"I just want to set the record straight, it's Roger who has been making those calls," said Rob, as muffled yells of "You fking lie, you fat fk!" came from under his shirt. "Yeah, Roger is pretty much a total moron. I have to stop listening to him," said Rob, punching at his stomach until Roger quieted.
Picture Rob Ryan's Bikini Lady Play Card
Is she wearing shoes? Because Rex would find that disgusting.
I bet they pulled some crazy hot feet back in the day.
Picture Rex Ryan Dresses In Drag
He sure has one ugly twin sister.