It's hard to hold onto the ball when your hands are covered in lube.
"I've seen hot pieces of ass in the stands at every game I've ever played," said the third-year pro. "I don't want to miss an opportunity to show them the goods. I've got bigger things going on than just some football game, if you know what I mean. Having sex with girls especially ones with big titties is what I mean. Okay. Wasn't sure if you got it, bro."
Per NFL uniform rules, Gronkowski will not be allowed to play without a jersey, but he says that won't be a problem.
"Oh, yeah? There are rules about the uniform? Damn, they thought of everything," he said. "No matter, though. No matter. Who's gonna say no to The Gronk? Chicks don't, so Goodell won't either. I mean, look at these pecs go. Boom boom boom boom boom. Jeah!"
Patriots head coach Bill Belichick wasn't pleased to hear about Gronkowski's shirtless plan.
"Gah, what a stupid asshole," said Belichick. "He's a hell of a tight end and I love winning, but I would be totally fine if he caught syphilis from some porn star and died. What an idiot."
Robert Kraft's office at Gillette Stadium. There is a knock at the door.
Sup, B-Kraf. Good to see you, my man.
Hey, Rob. Good to see you. [They do elaborate and awkward handshake.] Glad to see you could make it. You're a few hours late for our meeting.
Yeah. I know. I overslept. Then I nailed your secretary out there on her desk. She's a nice piece of ass, B-Kraf. You've done well for yourself. [They do another elaborate and incredibly awkward handshake.]
Well, I assume you've heard why I called you in here today.
No. I was thinking we were getting our morning drink on.
No. Although it's along those lines.
You've had quite an offseason. Nudity, drunkeness, partying, game shows, women of all kinds. General douchery.
It has indeed been awesome.
And that's on top of the thing with the porn star last season.
No doubt, bro. Best year ever.
Well, I just want to make sure it doesn't get out of hand.
Come on, brah, sir. Are you saying I have to stop?
No. I'm not saying that. But I want to make sure you know where to stop.
Okay. Where is that? You mean pull out? Because I do that most of the time already.
Gronkowski had sex at 9 and got his first VD at 10. Because he's cool.
So would America, Rob. This is not news.
Pefect. A Tom Brady doll that is begging for a penalty.
Picture Rob Gronkowski Wears Zubaz
It's the only thing he wears (when not in uniform pants or naked with a porn star).
"You know I don't like giving out a lot of injury information, but please keep Rob in your thoughts and prayers," said an emotional Bill Belichick at a press conference today. "He has been downgraded from day-to-day and all we can do now is hope for the best and that Rob might have as much comfort as possible in whatever time he has left."
Gronkowski, New England's leading receiver, missed the team's practice yesterday and his high ankle sprain has spread even higher into his kidneys, liver and lungs.
"Right now we're working to keep the high ankle sprain for getting to his heart," said Dr. Thomas Gill, Patriots team physician. "If it gets that high, there's nothing we can do."
The Patriots say their 22 year-old tight end has a "do not resuscitate" order, or DNR, in place should the ankle sprain stop his breathing.
Video The Gronk Song
Yet another sin against rap from the city of Boston.