Filed Under » Rick Pitino

A few years ago Rick Pitino published a best-selling self-help book called “Success Is a Choice: 10 Steps To Overachieving In Business and Life.”

It was an incredibly revealing book. Just take a look at the Table of Contents.

Louisville head basketball coach Rick Pitino propositioned his secretary for a blowjob this morning and, when an assistant walked in and witnessed the sexual act being conducted, Pitino blamed the whole thing on Veterans Day and his distress over the many men and women who have fought and died for the United States.

“This is no different to me than September 11th,” said Pitino, alluding to his explanation for a restaurant tryst in 2003. “Somber occasions make me want to fornicate. September 11th, Veterans Day — I did my neighbor’s daughter after the final episode of M*A*S*H.”

After hearing rumors of Pitino’s actions this morning, Louisville athletics director Tom Jurich called the coach into his office to discuss the incident.

“I had it in mind to fire Rick,” said Jurich. “It was one thing to nail some kid’s mom who you just met on a restaurant table after hours while your assistant was asleep on the floor beside you. That time was because of 9/11, as Rick said. And it makes perfect sense. That time. But I probably wasn’t going to buy the 9/11 line again. Then Rick made a lot of sense with what he said about Veterans Day. I can’t condemn someone for how they choose to mark this day.”

Louisville held a press conference following that meeting between Jurich and Pitino to get ahead of the story and prevent it from blowing up into a national scandal like the restaurant tryst/abortion drama from this summer.

“This is Veterans Day,” Pitino scolded the media. “We have men and women overseas putting their lives on the line. This is life and death stuff. Some of them aren’t going to walk through that door ever again. And you want to talk about me getting a hummer from a woman I pay a very competitive salary to? A woman who I make sure has very rich health benefits package in order to, you know … cover any procedures down there? It’s despicable. You know that? You people are despicable.”

Pitino then ended the press conference by walking away from the podium to fondle a female reporters breasts.

“Our men in uniform would give anything to be able to touch a sweet set of jugs like this right now,” said Pitino, leaving the room. “How can you not realize that? Get your priorities in order, people!”

In Rick Pitino’s first press conference following the news about his restaurant tryst, he invoked 9/11. In his latest press conference, he tried to shame the media for focusing on his story “on the day Ted Kennedy died” and said the media coverage of his dalliance and subsequent “health insurance” payment has made life “pure hell” for his wife.

A new SportsPickle play examines what Pitino’s press conferences might look like this season.

So who is really to blame for Rick Pitino’s “indiscretion”? Rick Pitino knows: it’s those no-good terrorists with their 9/11.

Here is Pitino’s quote at his apology press conference: “When 9/11 hit, you needed a community to get you over it. In New York City, it was easy because everybody knew the devastation of that and they got each other over it. In Louisville, the impact wasn’t felt like New York City, but I needed this community to help me get over it.”

Umm. Okay. Invoking 9/11 after cheating on your wife. Classy.

So, maybe Pitino isn’t exactly blaming 9/11 for banging a mom on a restaurant floor (while his assistant slept on the floor nearby), impregnating the woman and then later paying for her abortion. But he is at least saying that this current personal crisis has impacted him almost as much as the Twin Towers falling.

And you wondered what women saw in Rick Pitino. His dong is as big as a skyscraper.

Rick Pitino hoped the sordid details of his personal life wouldn’t affect his results on the court. But now it appears rival coaches are using the details of the Louisville head coach’s affair against him in the always cutthroat battle for elite recruits.

The mother of five-star prospect John White says she began receiving calls from other coaches minutes after the Pitino news broke.

“They all said pretty much the same thing: ‘Mrs. White, do not send your child to Louisville. Rick Pitino could abort him,’” claimed Sheila White. “I told them that my John is 17-years-old and 6-foot-9, 240 pounds, making aborting him very unlikely — but they all insisted that Rick is capable of anything. Do I think it’s likely? No. But is it worth the risk of sending my son to Louisville? Probably not. They made a good argument.”

Myron Haney, the top-ranked point guard prospect in the country who already verbally committed to Louisville, says he has received texts from coaches of other programs about the Pitino news.

“Everyone is trying to get me to de-commit,” said Haney. “They said that this will be a big distraction for Coach Pitino and it’s in my best interest to go elsewhere. And, also, if I disappoint him in any way — a down season, a missed free throw, not rotating quick enough on defense — he may try to do away with me, especially because I’m not his own flesh and blood.”

But Haney says that makes him want to go to Louisville even more.

“Am I scared? Sure. But I love a challenge,” he said. “I didn’t get this far in basketball by being scared and I am motivated to make it through four years at Louisville without Coach Pitino snuffing me out.”

A fellow coach in the Big East, who asked to remain anonymous, says he is not ashamed by his new recruiting pitch of questionable ethics.

“This is a dirty business. We all know the rules,” he said. “You do what you have to do to get top recruits. Heck, Rick has been telling recruits for years about the time I killed that hooker at the conference tournament.”