Filed Under » Rex Ryan

It’s been an exciting week for the New York metropolitan area. First, the New Meadowlands Stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey was chosen as the site for the 2014 Super Bowl. Now, the New York Post reports that Jets coach Rex Ryan has been chosen as the site for a massive 2014 coronary failure. Ryan said he was “honored” by the distinction but admitted to being a little concerned.

“Well it’s always nice to be chosen for something,” Ryan said. “I guess it’ll be pretty exciting when I feel that tightness in my chest and have to be rushed to the hospital. And I guess it will be a really good wake-up call for me to change my lifestyle. But man, it is kind of scary. I have to think: why me? It’s just…ooh, a donut! I’ll be right back.”

Ryan admits he is a good candidate for heart problems because of his unhealthy lifestyle.

“I know I’m pretty unhealthy and I don’t eat well or exercise much,” he said. “And the lap band procedure I just had is simply prolonging the inevitable. But I wonder: is it too late to stop this? Now that I know it’s going to happen, can I improve my lifestyle and prevent it? Eh, probably not. I mean it’s possible, but what’s the point in trying if it still might happen anyway? I may as well just enjoy these next few years and eat whatever I want. Speaking of which, are you done with that?"

League observers were split on whether Ryan would be the appropriate site for a massive coronary. Many felt he was the “perfect choice”while others cited coaches such as Tony Sparano or Tom Cable as better alternatives.

“I could definitely see this happening to Rex,” said one owner, who asked not to be identified. “I mean, he definitely fits most of the criteria. But I ask you: wouldn’t someone like Tom Cable be a better alternative? He is also rather portly, plus he’s coaching the Raiders, which carries with it added stress that could make even the most svelt body-builder vulnerable to heart attacks. For that reason, I think Ryan was the wrong choice and this is more evidence of some pro-New York bias.”

Jets owner Woody Johnson said he was not concerned with the recent announcement and that preparation for the 2010 season would proceed as planned.

“We’re not really thinking about it,” said Johnson. “We’re just focusing on what we have to do this offseason and coach Ryan has assured me he is healthy and ready to go. When 2014 rolls around – no pun intended – we’ll worry about Rex’s health. Or perhaps not because, let’s face it, by that time he’ll probably be defensive coordinator for whichever team his brother is head-coaching.”

Hey, did you hear that New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan is a bit overweight? The New York Post claims he ingests 7,000 calories a day of "Rexican" food.

So, yeah … he may be on the chubby side. Here are the pictures to prove it.

Rex successfully hid his disappointment that it wasn't one of those chip-and-dip helmets.

Mrs. Ryan likes to carry these around at all times because her husband is quite flatulent.

Cold showers make it even harder for Rex to find his penis.

Ten minutes later, John Madden found a very unpleasant gift in his toilet.

When it comes to onion ring towers, Rex demands that they be at least this high.

Media members are no longer allowed to bring food to Jets press conferences because Ryan is easily distracted.

Peanuts and Cracker Jacks simply don't get Rex sh!t-faced.

Rex was happy he was able to talk him out cremation and into being deep-fried and devoured as an hors d'oeuvre upon death.

Sometimes an adult steer takes a while to digest.

Rex Ryan loves every kind of chocolate.

Rex's flavor-savor was not for the ladies, but for hearty stews and casseroles.

New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan is trying to work his psychological magic again by declaring his team the heavy favorites for the World Series.

"We need to think big," says Ryan. "People might laugh at us, doubt us. But they don't know how good we are. This team is full of tough, amazing athletes."

Ryan says his team's toughness will give them the edge over any baseball team.

"CC Sabathia might have a hard fastball, but let's see how hard he throws after Bart Scott lays him out walking off the field," said Ryan. "Also, we have Mark Sanchez. All of those Dominicans are great at baseball. He just needs to work on his sliding."

Sanchez, the Jets rookie quarterback, was born in California and is of Mexican descent. He hasn't played baseball since Little League when he was 12, but appreciates his coach's confidence.

"I trust Coach Ryan because he trusts in me," says Sanchez. "It's great to know he thinks I can have success in another sport. A few weeks ago when I was really struggling and our fans were yelling stuff like 'Go get another job, you Puerto Rican!', I was worried about my future. Not now."

Ryan says he is just trying to prepare his team for their playoff game.

"It's all about confidence," he said. "I'm not a moron. I know we're not going to win the Super Bowl. But when we lose, I can tell them they went farther in the NFL playoffs than any baseball team ever. That's something to be proud of."