"Yeah, me and that fat shitstain of a twin brother of mine, Rob, are going to hang out this weekend," said New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan. "We'll probably shoot some pool, go to Hooters and maybe fire up the ol' Nintendo."
Rex Ryan says he had a Nintendo at his "bitchin' pad" back when he was defensive coordinator at Morehead State from 1990 to 1993.
"Late 20s, one bedroom apartment in Morehead, Kentucky, cable TV with the nudie channels, a Nintendo," he said. "Yeah, I was living the life. My dickhead brother was at Tennessee State then and he'd pop over on free weekends and we'd go all out on Tecmo Bowl from morning to night."
Rob Ryan says the Harbaugh brothers are getting all the coaching attention right now, but he knows the Ryans are the best.
"You want to know how I knew I was the best defensive mind in the game?" asked the unemployed Rob Ryan, sitting shirtless on his brother's couch. "I beat Rex one day and he had Bo Jackson and the Raiders."
"I think I've seen all I need to see from Mark after this week," said Ryan. "He might not be the answer at quarterback. It's time to maybe give Tim a shot to start."
Ryan said he informed Tebow on the sidelines as the final seconds ticked away on the Jets' season that he would be promoted to starter.
Tebow reportedly responded by saying, "You really make me want to say curse words."
If he couldn't laugh, he'd kill himself.
Picture Rex Ryan Wears Classy T-Shirts
Maybe he'd be a better softball coach.
Goddam snacks have more calories than regular snacks.
Well, second time if you count when Tebow hilariously beat the Jets.
Picture Alaska is Mark Sanchez Country
Apparently they think those with Mexican heritage look like Eskimos. RAYCESS!
Whoa. Do you kiss your mom's feet with that mouth?
Picture Rex Ryan: The Stylish Years
Damn. He probably got into a lot of ladies' shoes back then.
Before the season started, Ryan predicted his team would win the Super Bowl as he does all the time. But with the Jets sitting at 2-3 thanks to three consecutive losses, a bad quarterback and a mediocre defense, it seems more likely the Jets will finish 5-11 or 6-10 than win a championship.
"There's a school of thought a growing school of thought that I'm a stupid, loud-mouthed buffoon who just talks a lot and has no ability to evaluate an entire football team or address, or even see, its failings, and that I was able to fool people for a few years with bravado, but now those days are over and I have been exposed as someone who is in over his head," said Ryan. "And there's only one thing I can say about that THE JETS ARE GOING TO WIN THE SUPER BOWL!"