"I just want to go on record as saying I am not in any way working with Ray Lewis," said The Almighty. "He keeps talking about how I'm getting him and the Ravens wins, and that couldn't be further from the truth. I am not helping the Ravens win and I'm definitely not helping Ray Lewis win."
God admitted that he did create Ray Lewis, but has had very little contact with the linebacker since then.
"I'm kind of a live and let live Dude, you know?" said God. "I step in here and there for big stuff, but other than that it's up to you all to live your lives. But this dancing guy keeps going on and on about how I am winning his team games. Saying he's praying to Me and getting My power for his teammates. Enough is enough. He's out there pretending we're good friends and that we talk all the time. No. He's a liar."
Lewis began crying upon hearing God's announcement.
"Yes! Yes, God! Yes, Holy Jesus! You challenge me with your denials!" Lewis weeped, swaying and beginning to dance. "You want me to prove myself to you again, Holy God! I will arm myself with your truth and your victory."
"Oh, God, here we go again," said God. "This is what I'm talking about. I have nothing to do with this guy. I just want to make that clear. Okay? If the Ravens win the Super Bowl or don't win the Super Bowl, I'm in no way involved."
Picture Ray Lewis' Butt Crack
Thank you, Jesus, for allowing him to poop.
Wouldn't the creator of the world be more of a soccer fan?
That guy is as quick as current day Ray Lewis.
"Every season of The Wire is like a whole new show, with another angle on life in 21st century America," said Simon, "But we always return to Baltimore, and this was our greatest season yet: a larger-than-life NFL tale built around a character I've been developing since way back in 1996."
Simon credited his writing staff, his go-to sixth season director Steve Sabol (who passed away in September), and The Wire star Idris Elba for making this season's central "Ray Lewis" story arc so memorable.
"Viewers can't get emotionally invested in whole football teams, and certainly not a football team poached from Cleveland," said Simon. "Which is why we used one man to depict the cult of American sports, and American society itself, writ large in a linebacker who pretends he's in Gladiator before every game."
Critics say Simon built the most fascinating ongoing TV project ever for Season 6, incorporating reality TV production techniques, real-life news coverage, and segments where Elba got "mic'd up" and went on the field during actual NFL games. It's such a lifelike creation that fan interest convinced the NFL to turn the fictional "Baltimore Ravens" franchise into an actual team for the 2013-2014 season.
"They're a team built on the shoulders of a magnetic millionaire muscleman, himself forged in the hedonistic baptismal fires of 'The U'," said Simon. "Which is why Ray is my best anti-hero since McNulty, and why 'The Peacemaker' is one of the greatest television hours in the medium's history."
Simon's "The Peacemaker" was an instant classic The Wire episode from 2000, where Lewis's character [SPOILERS] accepts an obstruction of justice conviction for his morally ambiguous role in two inner city stabbing deaths. Lewis then leads the Ravens to a championship and cements his athletic legacy with a Super Bowl MVP award, but still gets snubbed out of a postgame invite to Disneyland. Ray then spends the next 13 years toiling to rebuild his reputation, finally succeeding in the season's penultimate episode "The Visa Ad And The Little Girl".
Video Ray Lewis Anti-Tribute
He wasn't always God's Linebacker.
Picture That's So Baltimore Raven
Ray-Ray > Raven
"Eeek! Eeeeeek! It hurts. My army hurts! Give it kisses!" Lewis wailed on the sidelines on Sunday, eliciting eye rolls from his teammates and coaches.
"Oh, jeez. Here we go again," said head coach John Harbaugh. "Every day it's something with this delicate little flower. 'Coach, I'm tired.' 'Coach, my tummy-tum hurts.' 'Coach, I completely tore the triceps in my right arm.' Goddamit! Suck it up, you gaping vagina!"
Lewis' teammates say they're not surprised the linebacker would be out for the season with a hurt arm.
"I'm surprised he ever takes the field at all, the scared little bitch," said quarterback Joe Flacco. "In the locker room before every game he's always crying and whimpering in the corner: 'Guys! Did you see how big they are? Do you think they want to hurt us?' Pissing his pants. Calling his mom. The only thing that gets him on the field is us letting him do his little ballerina dance before every game."
Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis delivered a high-energy motivational speech today to a man he saw eating a ham sandwich through the window of a downtown Baltimore deli. Lewis burst through the door of Merv's Delicatessen and went into his pep talk spiel.
"As a man as a MAN how are you going to eat that sandwich today?" Lewis said, clutching at his chest with one hand and pointing with the other. "You just gonna take some bites? Nibble at the edges? Or are you gonna take full-sized bites? Bites of PASSION. Bites of DETERMINATION and HEART? You need to eat that sandwich in a way that shows everyone around you the kids out there, the people in this deli, and Holy Jesus God above that you eat sandwiches the RIGHT WAY."
Looking up from his sandwich with a surprised look on his face, the man said: "Are are you talking to me?"
"Because we must strive for perfection in all that we do, ALL that we DO," continued Lewis, wiping at his forehead with a handkerchief as a crowd gathered around him. "For if we don't eat a ham sandwich in the right way, if we don't take in that sandwich and make it part of us, use that sandwich as fuel to make us better, then what damn good are we? What good are we as MEN? You feel what I'm saying?"
"I guess you're talking to me?" said the man, looking around at other deli patrons. "It's just my lunch break. I'm honestly just trying to eat a sandwich here, that's all and "
"No. See, it's so much more than a SANDWICH," Lewis went on, cutting him off as a gospel choir formed around the linebacker and began clapping. "God gave us sandwiches. God took a pig's life, milked a cow, threshed some grain so you could have THAT sandwich with that HAM and that CHEESE and that BREAD. And you trying to to tell me it's just a sandwich? As a man as a MAN how you are going to tell that to GOD?"
People who taunt Ray Lewis rarely live to tell about it.