Fleeing a double murder ZING!
"I love Baltimore and I love the Ravens," said Brianna Barker, a Baltimore resident. "But it sure was difficult to root for this team the past 13 years with someone like Ray Lewis on the team. What an awful person. What a phony. We feel like a cloud has been lifted with him retiring. I don't feel dirty being a Ravens fan anymore. I don't have any moral hangups about being a Ravens fan anymore. None of us do. And we're all out here today to celebrate that."
The dancing, glory-hogging Lewis has unfortunately been the face of the franchise since he was drafted in the team's first draft in 1996 and even more so since he was involved in a double murder in 2000.
"Think about it: this franchise hasn't played one game, not one game, without having Ray Lewis on the roster," said head coach John Harbaugh. "We are entering a new era here. An era in which no one has to try to defend that guy anymore. Ravens fans don't always have to be on the defensive anymore. They don't have to live in shame. That's why you can see the happiness on the faces of everyone who came out today. I know I'm much prouder to be a Raven today than I ever was before."
Lewis was part of the parade that wound its way through the city's downtown streets and concluded just outside the city limits where Lewis was dropped off. The caravan then sped back to M&T Bank Stadium to change the locks.
She should destroy all evidence of this tape.
Sports media: asleep at the wheel on steroids since 1990.
Picture Maryland: The Naive State
They're really going to be upset when it breaks that Cal Ripken, Jr. took roids.
"It's a crisis of faith," said Lord. "You put all your faith in Ray Lewis only to get let down and humiliated like this. I honestly tend to be a little skeptical and cynical about humans. I mean, not one hasn't sinned so far. But I thought Ray Lewis was different. Guess I was wrong and that's the first time I was ever wrong, which as you can probably imagine, is also disappointing."
The Lord says he now regrets all of the times He defended Lewis.
"We've had a lot of debates in the Three-In-One about Ray," said Lord. "They always say that Ray puts on the holy thing to help his image and cover up his guilt over his role in that double murder. They say he has never given a full accounting of what happened that night and why he fled the scene covered in blood and why he destroyed the clothing he was wearing. They say a great man and great leader wouldn't have six kids by four different women. They say that instead of being humble as We instruct, he craves the spotlight. But I always insisted Ray was legit. That he had found the path. Now this. Done in by deer antlers, of all things. I knew We never should have created deer. They look stupid. What's the point of the antlers?"
"Ray didn't make the Pro Bowl team. He wasn't on the roster," said AFC head coach John Fox. "But am I going to tell Ray Lewis he can't play? He saw all those NBC national TV cameras out there and couldn't be stopped."
Lewis quickly made his presence known, shoving national anthem singer Brian McKnight to the ground and doing a tearful dance with the American flag draped over his shoulders. He then shouted down head coaches John Fox and Mike McCarthy to give a pregame speech to both the AFC and NFC teams. Next he paced around the midfield logo for 20 minutes, pounding his chest and yelling "WOOOOOOO!" as the crowd politely clapped, many eventually leaving.
Finally, unable to remove Lewis from the field when he noticed a camera hovering over the field, referees started the game, players running full-speed past the linebacker for the opening kickoff as he continued his performance at midfield.
The Ravens legend finally wrapped the midfield portion of his routine late in the first quarter and ran off the field to stand by NBC sideline reporter Doug Flutie.
"I'm just glad to be here to be a leader for these men," Lewis said.
"Ummm we're not on camera right now," said Flutie. "I I didn't even ask to interview you."
"I'm crying, man," Lewis said, dumping a cup of water on his face. "Look at these tears. People will want to see this."
"It was a tough decision, but the right one," said coach John Harbaugh. "Don't get me wrong, we love the guy and wish him well in his future endeavors, but we've got a big game coming up and need our focus on San Fran."
Harbaugh went on to mention how Lewis was a great teammate and only ever did what was asked of him.
"Ray's a champ. I mean, what can I say about Ray that hasn't already been said hundreds of times these past few weeks? But that's exactly why we are where we are right now. We are a team, not just one player."
Lewis, the 13-time Pro Bowler and seven-time First-Team All-Pro middle linebacker, spent his entire 17-year career in Baltimore, spanning a team record 227 games, but has just one lone Super Bowl appearance to show for it.
"And that's why he should understand the importance of this situation more than anybody; he knows how hard it is to get to one of these things," continued Harbaugh. "You don't wanna mess it up."
It needs to be hooked up to a hose for a real-life crying effect.
"I just want to go on record as saying I am not in any way working with Ray Lewis," said The Almighty. "He keeps talking about how I'm getting him and the Ravens wins, and that couldn't be further from the truth. I am not helping the Ravens win and I'm definitely not helping Ray Lewis win."
God admitted that he did create Ray Lewis, but has had very little contact with the linebacker since then.
"I'm kind of a live and let live Dude, you know?" said God. "I step in here and there for big stuff, but other than that it's up to you all to live your lives. But this dancing guy keeps going on and on about how I am winning his team games. Saying he's praying to Me and getting My power for his teammates. Enough is enough. He's out there pretending we're good friends and that we talk all the time. No. He's a liar."
Lewis began crying upon hearing God's announcement.
"Yes! Yes, God! Yes, Holy Jesus! You challenge me with your denials!" Lewis weeped, swaying and beginning to dance. "You want me to prove myself to you again, Holy God! I will arm myself with your truth and your victory."
"Oh, God, here we go again," said God. "This is what I'm talking about. I have nothing to do with this guy. I just want to make that clear. Okay? If the Ravens win the Super Bowl or don't win the Super Bowl, I'm in no way involved."