You can't drive over a penis. That's just wrong.
The sports world has many powerful figures. Roger Goodell. David Stern. Phil Knight. Scott Boras. But the powerful can't be powerful if there aren't nearby powerless to crush.
From more than 70,000 votes, here is who you determined to be the sports world's most powerless.
25. Jason Garrett
What's most powerful about him: Not constrained by having a soul.
What's least powerful about him: Has completely tarnished the value of an Ivy League education.
24. Athletes who don't take PEDs
What's most powerful about them: Have a clear conscience.
What's least powerful about them: Lose all the time.
23. Fantasy sports columnists
What's most powerful about them: Can spell "rotisserie" without looking it up.
What's least powerful about them: Receive noogies from baseball sabermetric nerds.
22. Ozzie Canseco
What's most powerful about him: Not Jose Canseco.
What's least powerful about him: Not Jose Canseco.
No one wants to die covered in Pepsi Max.
Okay. I'll watch NASCAR if they add this to it.
Danica Patrick should file a harassment lawsuit.
The car came out of a turn awkwardly during a practice run at Phoenix International Raceway. After sitting on the track for several minutes, the car drove off gingerly but under its own power. Footage of the incident showed the front of the car bending grotesquely, and sickened several who saw it.
"Obviously, this would be a big blow to our team, and we hope for the best right now," said Patrick, the car's driver. "But if the engine is torn, we'll just have to find another car and do our best. No one will feel sorry for us because we got a torn engine."
Patrick's backup car is an old Chevelle that hasn't raced in decades. Her team is reportedly scouting the waiver wire, used car lots and AutoTrader.com for other options.
That seems like an unrealistic amount of blood.
NASCAR doesn't care about black people.
"I don't want to make this out to be just any other race," said NASCAR president Mike Helton. "This could be really big for us. I think Jimmie could bring in the male demo and grow the sport among men, making NASCAR bigger and better than ever."
Johnson said after his victory that he is more than happy to take on the pressure.
"I won't claim to speak for all men and I won't claim to represent all men," he said. "But I think I showed today that men can compete in auto racing and I hope I inspired a lot of boys out there to get into this sport. Maybe in the future we'll see men in the victory circle all the time."
Perhaps overshadowed by Johnson's victory was the fact that men finished in the first seven spots in the Daytona 500, with no women placing until Danica Patrick in eighth.
"Women have always heard how we're not big enough or strong enough to compete with men in sports and that we can't drive cars," said Patrick. "I want to be the one who proves to the world that women can drive cars."
In fact, women can drive cars in the United States and in every other country in the world, as well.
"I don't know about that," said Patrick. "If that were true, I wouldn't be so inspirational. No, I'm pretty sure car driving is not a thing most women are allowed to do."
According to studies, more women than men have drivers licenses in the United States.
"Look, if you go and stand by a road, I'm sure you'll see some cars not driven by women," said Patrick. "That's because not all women believe they can drive cars. But I'm out to prove that they can. So there."