"I don't have another job lined up. I don't know what I'm going to do, to tell you the truth," said Restovich, a married father of five. "But I obviously couldn't stay here where my expertise would not be used or appreciated."
The nutritionist's resignation comes less than 24 hours after the Tigers signed Prince Fielder, adding him to a portly roster that includes Miguel Cabrera, Jose Valverde and Gerald Laird.
"A nutritionist for the Tigers in 2012 is no different than being a Conestoga wagon salesman in 2012," said Restovich. "In fact, it's probably worse. The Tigers could actually use Conestoga wagons to haul all of their fat-ass players onto the field each inning."
One day Type 2 Diabetes will be renamed Prince Fielder Disease.
"In late October, when the season is over and it starts getting cold, Prince heads into his cave to hibernate," said Boras. "There he sleeps and lives off of all the stored up fat in his body. Before he crawled in there this year, I promised him he'd have a huge contract waiting for him when he emerged."
Boras says he is starting to get nervous because Fielder could come out of his winter slumber within a week or two and will have a huge appetite requiring money for food.
"Due to when baseball season ends and when spring training starts, his hibernation schedule is a little ahead of most other bears," said Boras. "He's usually out of his cave by mid-January. And he's very cranky when he emerges. I need to get a contract soon or I could easily be mauled."
"Prince is 27 and just entering his prime, so we feel we have locked up a powerful bat at the shortstop position for many years into the future," said Boston general manager Ben Cherington. "There isn't another shortstop in the league who can match Prince's production."
Fielder has averaged 38 home runs and 107 RBI in his six full seasons in the majors and has a career .282 batting average and .930 OPS. Cherington also pointed to Fielder's defense as a bonus.
"No offense to Marco Scutaro, who has been a professional for us at shortstop the last two seasons, but he made 33 errors combined in 2010 and 2011," the new Red Sox GM said. "Prince only made 19. So any perceptions out there that this is a huge downgrade in team defense couldn't be more absurd."
"The boys are just a little shaken up," said Sgt. Nick Patouhas of the Wisconsin State Park Police. "Thankfully, no one got injured. He wasn't after the campers, he just wanted their food."
According to police, Fielder wandered into the campsite around dawn on Thursday, apparently attracted by the scent of the campers' container full of snacks.
"The boys did the right thing," said Patouhas, speaking of their use of a "Fielder Hang," the well-known camping technique of storing food in a sealed container elevated 10-feet off the ground, out of reach for most animals. "Unfortunately, it seems like he's caught on to how it works, as it seems he was able to knock it down with some sort of bat and get to the food inside."
"People don't talk about the Derby like they do the NBA Slam Dunk Contest," said Fielder. "But all that is about to change."
In recent days, Fielder has taken early batting practice before games and has been launching balls over a bullpen golf cart, intent on at least duplicating Blake Griffin's dunk over a Kia.
"For the contest, I'm going to try to hit one over a car," says Fielder. "And not just any car. I think I'll have enough adrenaline going to clear a mid-sized sedan. Who knows. I might even try a van."
Despite being a 7-year veteran, Fielder is just 27 years-old and his youthful, marketable approach to the HR Derby is just the shot in the arm that the often staid sport of baseball needs to appeal to a younger audience.
Commissioner Bud Selig supports Fielder's car home run attempt, but insists baseball has been ahead of the promotional curve for years.
"NBA players use all these props now to dunk," said Selig. "Well, baseball has done that for years. I clearly remember Tom Brunansky using batting gloves at the first Derby in 1985."
"We would obviously like Prince to raise his on-base percentage, but more than that we really just feel he could use the cardiovascular exercise," said Melvin. "I mean look at him. Christ. He's a young man."
Fielder led the majors in home runs in 2007 with 50, but has struggled with his weight since getting called up to the big leagues at age 21. He's presently listed at 5'10", 270 pounds, but is assumed to weigh considerably more. With the Brewers expected to contend in the NL Central, they need a big season from the two-time All-Star.
"With the way our offense relies on Prince, we need him to work the count and get on base," said Melvin. "He's at a really elevated risk for heart attack or stroke otherwise. I imagine he's already diabetic."