Filed Under » Pittsburgh Pirates

Financial documents from five major league teams were leaked on Sunday and Monday, revealing that many teams' operating revenue expenditures are outgaining their expected debt disclosures or something. Who really cares.

"I think we can take one clear message from this," said Mark Hunt, an accountant who reviewed the Pittsburgh Pirates' financials. "And that's that the team's ticket revenues have, month-to-month, capped deferred payment residuals … ", he continued, blabbing on about some of the most boring shit ever.

Fans of the five teams whose financial documents were relased — the Pirates, Marlins, Rays, Mariners and Angels — have become outraged over the reports. Thousands of fans at last night's Pirates game gathered outside the stadium before the game started to chant "Who The F—k Cares!" and "We're So Bored By This We Could Die!" While Angels fans chanted "Financials Suck! Financials Suck!" and held signs depicting themselves napping or drooling.

Major Legue Baseball is attempting to find the source of the leaked documents, which are not intended to be made public.

"This is a serious matter," said a league office source. "We are constantly fighting the perception that baseball is boring. Now to have financial documents thrown into it … well, this could obviously be much worse for the sport than all of the steroids scandals combined. It's just hard to get motivated to go find who did it. I feel so drousy since the reports came out."

While the financial reports seemed to suggest that the Florida Marlins have made significant profits if you were somehow able to read that far into the reports without wanting to kill yourself, team president David Samson insisted the fans will see the benefits of those profits.

"We are committed to never having these sort of documents made public again," he said. "That is a promise to our fans. We will use those profits to beef up security so fans never have to be as bored as they are today."

Pittsburgh Pirates phenom Pedro Alvarez was crushed by a massive anvil that fell from the sky today while walking to PNC Park. He died immediately.

After getting off to a slow start upon being called up from the minors last month, the No. 2 overall pick in the 2008 MLB Draft had hit .339 with 7 home runs and 15 RBI so far in July. His power bat has jumpstarted a young, talented Pirates lineup and given hope to a fanbase that hasn't seen a winning season since 1992. No one knows where the huge, two-story, almost comically-sized anvil came from.

"He was walking over to the stadium from downtown and right when he got over the Clemente Bridge, I waved to him," said Pirates utility infielder Andy LaRoche. "And then … BOOM! The huge anvil from the sky. He was gone."

"It's a tragedy," said standout Pirates centerfielder Andrew McCutchen. "One I always sort of expected would happen to me."

Pirates fans gathered at the site to mourn Alvarez. No one knows how to move the anvil, estimated to weigh more than 75,000 tons.

"I knew I shouldn't get my hopes up about this team," said Pirates fan Sheila Wozniak. "I was so stupid. But, you know, in a way this is almost better. Now he'll never sign with the Yankees as soon as he becomes a free agent. He'll be a Pirate forever. Forever under that enormous sky anvil, which I seriously doubt anyone will ever be able to move."

More than 38,000 fans sat through an abysmal 12-4 baseball game in Pittsburgh on Saturday night — watching 25 hits, two errors, four pitching changes over three hours — for one reason.

"Fireworks! Woooooo! I can't wait!" said Pirate fan Scott Stoltz after the Phillies took a 7-1 lead in the top of third inning. "Only six and a half more innings!"

Despite the Phillies stretching their lead to 12-2 by the top of the seventh, every fan in the stadium remained in their seats in anticipation of the post-game fireworks. The Pirates pushed across runs in both the eighth and ninth innings, delaying

"Come on! Get out!" yelled one fan from his upper deck seat. "We want fireworks!"

"This would be so like the Pirates," said another. "Make some huge, dramatic comeback to push the game into extra innings and ruin fireworks night for everyone."

Eventually the Pirates were mercifully retired in the bottom of the ninth inning and the fireworks show began soon after the players cleared the field.

"That was totally worth it," said a fan after the show. "Great fireworks display. I think the only way it could have been better is if they had it before the game."

Pittsburgh Pirates pitcher Kukulcan Tlacolotl, the only current Mayan player in Major League Baseball, touched off a panic throughout the game and across the globe today when he rejected a multi-year contract extension that would pay him through the 2012 season and into 2013.

"I just don't see the point," said Kukulcan.

The young Mayan has become a fan favorite in Pittsburgh since joining the team, due to his production on the mound, big smile and proclivity to sacrifice a steer on the field after a win.

"We are trying to build this team around our young, successful players," said Pirates general manager Neil Huntington. "We had hoped Kukulcan would be part of that group moving forward. Also, we had hoped the world wouldn't end on December 21, 2012. Looks like we're screwed on both accounts."

Kukulcan's decision has led to a flurry of trade activity, as teams that believe they are contenders look to add talent and win before the world ends after the 2012 season, as predicted by the Mayan calendar.

But the pitcher's Mayan agent, Gucumatz Cu, said his client's rejection of Pittsburgh's contract extension has nothing to do with the end of the world.

"A lot of GMs think we are backwards and not modern just because we're from an ancient civilization," he said. "But nothing could be farther from the truth. We rejected their contract offer simply because it was below market value. And if we are disrespected in this way again, I will cut off Neil Huntington's head and throw it into a volcano."

Pirates pitcher Chris Jakubauskas was felled by a line drive to the head off the bat of Astros slugger Lance Berkman on Saturday in the first inning. The incident came on his 12th pitch of the game, or 11 pitches after he hoped it would.

"That's obviously not how I hoped my day would go," said Jakubauskas, who was making his first start of the season for Pittsburgh. "Ideally you never put a Pittsburgh Pirates uniform on, because it is incredibly humiliating. But if you have to, you just hope you are knocked out as soon as possible — hopefully before anyone you know sees you playing for the Pirates."

Jakubauskas did not lose consciousness after being hit, but was woozy and moaning in pain.

"We were really worried about him," said Pirates manager John Russell. "Our trainer asked him if he knew where he was, and he said: 'Pitching for the Yankees at Yankee Stadium.' We couldn't bear to tell him the truth."

It wasn't until hours later at the hospital, surrounded by friends and family, that Jakabauskas was told the reality of the situation: he was a Pittsburgh Pirate.

"I'm not going to lie — it wasn't easy at first," he said. "But then it all started coming back to me and there was solace knowing that I was only on the mound for two-thirds of an inning. And, best of all, I'm going to be out for a few weeks so I won't have to put a Pirates jersey on again any time soon, if ever again."

Jakubauskas says he purposely threw the Astros fastballs right down the middle of the plate, and then jutted his face out towards the batter. On his 12th pitch, the strategy paid off. Pirates starter Zach Duke says he respects his teammate's approach.

"That was a great idea," he said. "All this time I've been trying to pitch well, hoping my contract would get too big and they'd trade me. But getting hit in the face with a line drive? Yeah, that's a much faster ticket out of here. I'm trying that in my next start."

Pirates third baseman Andy LaRoche said he said a prayer for his teammate as he lay writhing on the mound.

"Watching something like that really puts everything into perspective," he said. "It makes you count your blessings. Like, thank God I don't play for the Orioles. I can't even imagine how hopeless that is."