Filed Under » Pittsburgh Pirates

An official, regulation Major League Baseball baseball gruesomely committed suicide last night in front of 20,000 people at Pittsburgh's PNC Park, hanging itself after being released from the hand of Cardinals pitcher Jake Westbrook.

"I didn't want or intend that to happen," said a visibly shaken Westbrook of the ball he had known for an inning. "I thought the ball had as much promise as any I've ever pitched. But clearly it had a darkness inside it that none of us knew."

Pirates catcher Ryan Doumit deposited the hanging curveball over the right-field fence for a three-run home run.

"It was the right thing to do," said Doumit. "You can't just let it hang there. I wanted to get it out of sight as quickly as possible before any kids saw it. I hope it found some peace out in the bleachers."

The curveball is just the latest MLB baseball to hang itself in what is a serious problem that has long plagued the sport. Hundreds, even thousands, of baseballs hang themselves each year.

"You look at where these baseballs come from and it's not a surprise," said a source within MLB's front office who wished to remain anonymous. "They're created in a factory to look exactly like each other. Then they're shoved in a box and sent across the world. And then suddenly, out of nowhere, they're removed from their box and hurled through the air at speeds exceeding 90mph. For every one ball that is kept and cherished for a milestone, there are 1,000 that end their own lives."

Yankees fan Donnie Francesco says he is almost to the point of avoiding "SportsCenter" and all sports news because "he's sick of hearing about the Pittsburgh Pirates all the time."

"It's like no other baseball teams exist," said Francesco. "They're almost the top story on ESPN every night for what feels like forever. It's like they have forgotten that other teams exist."

After a sports record 18 consecutive losing seasons, the low-budget Pirates are in first place in their division in late July for the first time since 1992. Their push for the playoffs has been perhaps the biggest story in baseball in 2011, but Francesco would like to remind everyone that they still suck.

"Look at the standings. They'd be 7 games behind us if they were in the A.L. East," he said. "That's like Toronto Blue Jays territory. Oooooh. Congratulations. You're as great as the Blue Jays. Go away now. You're not the Yankees and never will be."

Francesco also bragged that he's "never even heard of the National League Central" and that the Pirates haven't beaten the Yankees since the 1960 World Series "or whatever, which my Uncle Vito says was rigged anyway. He knows a guy who did it."