A nearby fan then vomited on her to make her stop.
Just another drunk Philadelphian. Or maybe it was Kevin Kolb.
The Philaelphia Phillies finally agreed on a deal today to acquire Astros ace Roy Oswalt, sending starter Roy Halladay and several prospects to Houston. The Phillies also have to pick up the majority of Halladay's contract, as well as all of Oswalt's.
"We got the player we were targetting," said general manager Ruben Amaro, Jr. "I'm sure all of our fans are excited about this acquisition."
But Phillies fans have immediately taken to sports radio and online message boards to rip the deal, criticizing Amaro, saying that Halladay is better than Oswalt and even that they wish the team had kept Cliff Lee over Halladay in the first place.
Amaro was interviewd on Philadelphia's WIP about the deal and asked why he couldn't have worked it so Halladay and Oswalt were in the same rotation or Halladay and Lee.
"Two good pitchers together? On the same team?" he stammered. "I I don't know. Is that even allowed? It seems weird. How do you make one the ace then? Isn't a team supposed to have an ace?"
"The Phillies were one of the teams I was willing to go to," said Oswalt. "But I didn't realize they'd deal me for Halladay. Now we won't be any better. I should have just stayed in Houston."
Sources close to the Phillies say Oswalt could be heading back to Texas. Amaro is reportedly trying to deal Oswalt and some top prospects to the Rangers for Cliff Lee.
Philadelphia Phillies general manager Ruben Amaro, Jr. says that while he wants to acquire his daughter, Daisy, age 4, from the kidnappers who took her last week, he feels their asking price remains way too high.
“I am not going to mortgage the future of this family for one child,” said Amaro. “Do I want to get her? Sure. Of course I do. But until the kidnappers drop their price, I won’t be making a deal.”
Whether Amaro is bluffing or not remains to be seen. But outside observers say that if he delays in pulling the trigger for too long, the kidnappers could decide to send his daughter elsewhere.
“I understand his position that his family has a lot of future potential as it is, so he doesn’t want to give a lot away. But Daisy is that missing piece,” said Fox’s Ken Rosenthal. “He may not get this opportunity again. If the kidnappers keep getting stonewalled, they’ll take what they can get elsewhere – be it selling her into child slavery or to carneys or whatever. Amaro is not holding all the cards here.”
While Amaro continues to work for a better deal, others within the organization are pushing for him to accept the deal currently on the table.
“We have to accept their demands. We just have to,” said a clearly distraught Cindy Amaro, Ruben's wife and Daisy’s mother. “They have what we want, not the other way around. We are not in control here. I will not lose my daughter because of my husband’s stubbornness and inexperience. We already lost out on Dan Haren. I can’t bear to see it happen again.”
Daisy Amaro says she is aware of all of the negotiations and rumors surrounding her but has tried not to let it affect her play.
“They let me play Barbies and eat candy whenever I want,” said Daisy. “The big kidnapper man is nice. Mommy and daddy are nice, too. I just like to play, play, play – play all day. I don’t care where. Playing is fun everywhere! Yay!”
You may have overheard someone say once or twice that Phillies pitcher Jamie Moyer is "old." But is he? SportsPickle takes a look.
According to senior Pentagon officials, Philadelphia sports fans have begun enriching uranium in hopes of getting it to bomb-quality levels and may be just 3-5 years away building a usable nuclear weapon.
"It could happen even quicker if any of them were sober," saidLieutenant General Ronald Burgess, director of the Defense Intelligence Agency. "I think it goes without saying, we don't want these people to have the bomb."
Available information suggestscentrifuges at three enrichment plant locations the parking lots surrounding Citizens Bank Park, Lincoln Financial Field and the Wachovia Center areproducing low-enriched uranium, but are not yet being used to make highly enriched uranium at a level needed for nuclear weapons. That is the next step, however.
Joey Mottolla, who started the program, admits Philly fans plan to go nuclear.
"You better f-cking believe it," he said, high-fiving his friends. "We're going Enola Gay on all the gay-ass fans of the Cowboys and Mets and Penguins and all of them," he added, before being madefun of by his friends for knowing about history and the Enola Gay.
The program began last November during a tailgate before an Eagles game when some sausages weren't cooking fast enough.
"We needed to speed it up," said Big Mikey, Joey's friend. "It was really cold outside and charcoal just wasn't working. So we thought maybe nuclear would be better way to go. None of us knew shit about that, but my girlfriend's sister's cousin's boyfriend was at the tailgate and it turns out he was some big smart guy who went to Penn. We held him down and farted in his mouth until he agreed to help."
A few months later, the program is progressing nicely.
"I cooked a sausage before the Flyers game the other night in three seconds," said Joey. "And I only have a couple of tumors in my mouth."
While Pentagon officials believe Philly fans are still a few years away from having a usable bomb, Joey and Big Mikey are pushing it to be ready by football season.
"If we don't get to blow up Tony Homo, there's going to be more than farts in that nerd's mouth," said Joey.
Philadelphia fans are known as the most obnoxious, violent and disgusting in all of sports. And while they wear this reputation as a badge of honor, they also oddly claim every infamous fan incident has been misconstrued and blown way out of proportion by the "Philly-hating media" and that this stuff "happens everywhere."
Here's a rundown of all the top (bottom?) Philadelphia fan moments and what really happened.