According to senior Pentagon officials, Philadelphia sports fans have begun enriching uranium in hopes of getting it to bomb-quality levels and may be just 3-5 years away building a usable nuclear weapon.
"It could happen even quicker if any of them were sober," saidLieutenant General Ronald Burgess, director of the Defense Intelligence Agency. "I think it goes without saying, we don't want these people to have the bomb."
Available information suggestscentrifuges at three enrichment plant locations the parking lots surrounding Citizens Bank Park, Lincoln Financial Field and the Wachovia Center areproducing low-enriched uranium, but are not yet being used to make highly enriched uranium at a level needed for nuclear weapons. That is the next step, however.
Joey Mottolla, who started the program, admits Philly fans plan to go nuclear.
"You better f-cking believe it," he said, high-fiving his friends. "We're going Enola Gay on all the gay-ass fans of the Cowboys and Mets and Penguins and all of them," he added, before being madefun of by his friends for knowing about history and the Enola Gay.
The program began last November during a tailgate before an Eagles game when some sausages weren't cooking fast enough.
"We needed to speed it up," said Big Mikey, Joey's friend. "It was really cold outside and charcoal just wasn't working. So we thought maybe nuclear would be better way to go. None of us knew shit about that, but my girlfriend's sister's cousin's boyfriend was at the tailgate and it turns out he was some big smart guy who went to Penn. We held him down and farted in his mouth until he agreed to help."
A few months later, the program is progressing nicely.
"I cooked a sausage before the Flyers game the other night in three seconds," said Joey. "And I only have a couple of tumors in my mouth."
While Pentagon officials believe Philly fans are still a few years away from having a usable bomb, Joey and Big Mikey are pushing it to be ready by football season.
"If we don't get to blow up Tony Homo, there's going to be more than farts in that nerd's mouth," said Joey.
Quebec native Simon Gagne returned to his car after practice yesterday morning to find that the tires were slashed and windows were broken. On the driver's door was spray-painted: "GO HOME FRENCH F##GOT!"
"I walked out to my car and couldn't believe what happened," said Gagne. "I asked a guy standing there if he saw who did it and he said: 'Yeah! Me, man! I saw a Quebec license plate and I did what needed to be done!' And then he tried to give me a high-five."
Gagne, the Sainte-Foy, Quebec native who has scored six goals during Philadelphia's six-game playoff win streak, then used his cell phone to call team security to deal with the fan.
"I want to win the Stanley Cup," said Gagne. "We all do. But it's really hard playing for these people sometimes. I think Scott Hartnell is the only one who likes them. Probably because he's even dumber than they are."
But Gagne stressed that not all Philadelphia fans behave in a boorish, violent or criminal way.
"I don't want to paint with a broad brush," he said. "Only 80, 85-percent are like that. There is a small percentage of nice ones."
The fan who vandalized Gagne's car said he was disappointed to hear the star center is from Quebec.
"That's fking gay, man," said Tommy Jenks. "I thought he was from Philly. I don't know how much I can cheer for him anymore. At least we got people like Danny Briere. That's a good Philly name. I know a bunch of people named Danny."
Philadelphia fans are known as the most obnoxious, violent and disgusting in all of sports. And while they wear this reputation as a badge of honor, they also oddly claim every infamous fan incident has been misconstrued and blown way out of proportion by the "Philly-hating media" and that this stuff "happens everywhere."
Here's a rundown of all the top (bottom?) Philadelphia fan moments and what really happened.