According to sources close to NFL wide receiver Terrell Owens, the six-time Pro Bowler has been unable to stop laughing over reports that former Eagles teammate Donovan McNabb may soon be dealt to the Oakland Raiders.
The laughter has gone on for so long now that Owens' friends are starting to worry about his health.
"He hasn't eaten anything for 24 hours," said Owens' assistant, Tony Mivens. "He hasn't had anything to drink. It's not healthy. He's tried to drink water, but every time he takes a swig, something about McNabb going to the Raiders scrolls across the screen and he does a spit take and starts rolling around on the floor laughing again."
Those who have seen the receiver in the past day say he looks skinny and weak, but incredibly happy.
While Owens was forced to toil for the Buffalo Bills last year, the prospect of his Eagles nemesis having to close his career on the most comically inept franchise in the NFL perhaps in all of sport has brought delight to an offseason in which Owens, too, looks for a new employer.
"Terrell definitely wants to play next year," said his agent, Drew Rosenhaus. "And we have plenty of suitors. But right now he is weighing his options. He is seriously considering taking a year off so he can put his full attention into watching Donovan McNabb play for the Raiders. He has even said he may buy tickets for all of their home and away games and be a sort of failure roadie."
Rosenhaus says he hasn't had the heart to inform Owens of the one team who has shown serious interest in his services for 2010.
"It's the Raiders. I can't tell him. He's obviously very emotional right now," said Rosenhaus. "If that's our only option, that's our only option. Maybe I can sell it to him as an opportunity to sabotage McNabb one more time. He may even play for the league minimum for that chance."
Yes, Philadelphia Eagles fan Brett Tompkins penetrated a Santa Claus against its will on Sunday in the Lincoln Financial Field parking lot. But Tompkins says people need to understand there's a lot more to the story than that.
"Oh, jeez. Here we go again with people bringing that up," said a clearly perturbed Tompkins, talking between sets at a suburban Philadelphia gym this afternoon. "First the cops, now you. It was three goddam days ago, okay? Three goddam days. Get over it. Move on. This is only getting attention because an Eagles fan raped Santa Claus. It probably happened in every other stadium this week."
According to security reports from the other 16 NFL venues in use on Sunday, no other incidents of Santa rape were reported. Nor were even any incidents of Santa-related crime.
"Sure. Whatever," said Tompkins. "Look. The fking guy was asking for it. You don't walk around in the upper deck at The Linc dressed up like that and expect to not get raped. You're asking for it. It would almost be wrong to not rape him. And then when I see Santa out in the parking lot standing by some red pot and asking for money, well clearly he was some kind of prostitute or something. So I decided he should give me a freebie. I made Santa squeal like Tony Homo. E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES!" he added, his chant joinedenthusiastically by everyone at the gym.
And while Tompkins says his incident with Santa is getting unfair attention from the media, his bench partner, Tony Shett, says there should be no confusion about what went down.
"We get unfairly painted as drunks and thugs," said Shett. "But don't get it wrong, bro. We will fking drink any other fan base under the table and then kick their ass, too. We got a reputation to uphold."
Andy Reid's questionable clock management left the Eagles with zero time on the clock midway through the third quarter against the Cowboys, allowing Dallas to take the field without an opponent for the final 21:48 of the crucial divisional battle.
Thanks to the unique strategy, the Cowboys were able to overcome a three-point third quarter deficit and win the game.
"I'm not going to apologize," said Reid after the game. "You have to make those decisions in the moment. You know you can get second-guessed after the game, but that's the nature of the business."
In fact, a defensive Reid said he should be complimented if anything.
"No one mentions how I was able to use almost twice the amount of clock that Dallas was in the first half in the same amount of time," he said. "That's remarkably efficient. What other coach can do that?"
Reid used all of his timeouts and challenges during Philadelphia's first offensive series of the game, then set about having his team eat clock in hopes of preserving its four-point lead early in the second quarter.
"I'm not going to coach thinking we're going to cough up a lead," said Reid. "I have confidence in this team. So it's my job to keep that game clock moving as quickly as possible without any stoppages."
The Eagles went into halftime several minutes before Dallas, enabling a Cowboys' field goal before the scheduled half, and then set about blowing through the rest of the clock when they emerged for the second half.
"I learned my lesson at the end of Super Bowl XXXIX against the Patriots," said the Reid. "I'd rather be out of time completely than have to rely on some sort of two-minute drill. What team can possibly hope to do anything in two minutes? It's absurd."
Reid says he will not change his approach going forward.
"Unless they let me use timeouts and challenges I have in future games and I have petitioned the league about this numerous times," said Reid. "I see no reason to change. The league says it's to protect me from myself, but the suits in the league office clearly don't understand the intricacies of clock management."
Watch this (hat tip:Hot Clicks):
I can only think of a few things that would be as awkward.
- wearing a Donte Stallworth jersey while riding the go-carts
- wearing a Plaxico Burress jersey while playing a shooting game at the arcade
- working at the park's dining hall as a turkey carver while wearing a Ray Lewis jersey
- wearing an Eagles coaches jacket to the park while your kid tries to smuggle drugs in his rectum past park security
- wearing a Philadelphia Eagles jersey anywhere in public
I guess it's all just another day at Six Flags Over Bad Newz Kennels.
Our reporter spent the day at Philadelphia Eagles training camp in Bethlehem, Penn. Here are his notes.
> Michael Vick had a solid first day of practice with some mixed results. On one broken play, he scrambled and picked up 25 yards. On another, he hit rookie Jeremy Maclin in the hands with a pass, Maclin dropped it and Vick shanked him in the back.
> Donovan McNabb told me that the Vick signing does not make him feel that he is being undercut. Or at least I think that's what he was saying. As he was finishing his sentence, Andy Reid ran over and took him out at the knees.
> The Eagles are shocked by the number of injuries they have suffered and their lack of depth threatens to sabotage their season. How could they know people could get hurt playing football?!
> Head coach Andy Reid is signed through the 2010 season with a team option to fire him whenever they want and replace him with Tony Dungy.
> Seventh round pick Moise Fokou was cut after this exchange with linebackers coach Bill Shuey "Hey, Fow-kow, come here." "It's Fokou, sir." "What did you say to me, rookie?" "Fokou." "No, FK YOU! You're cut!"
> Rookie receiver Jeremy Maclin has impressed coaches with his speed. I'm not sure if it will be of any use with the five and 10-yard patterns the Eagles run in their offense. But, if they didn't run a stupid offense, he'd be a big weapon.
Eagles head coach Andy Reid and owner Jeffrey Lurie say they are terrified that their controversial new player signed his contract with the team in dog's blood.
"It was a dark red ink," said Reid.
"And a really strange consistency," added Lurie.
"Also, he dipped his quill pen into a an ink container labeled DOG'S BLOOD and then signed the contract with it," continued Reid.
"Yeah, that part raised some flags with me, as well," said Lurie.
Team management says they still support Vick, even though they are growing more and more certain that his new two-year contract may now contain DNA evidence of a crime.
"Michael says he has changed, Tony Dungy and Roger Goodell vouched for him and he served his time," said Reid. "That's good enough for me. Still, though I'm positive that was dog blood. There has to be some sort of explanation for this."
"Michael Vick is a changed man," said the owner. "He looked me in the eye and said he has changed. My guess for the explanation and this may sound far-fetched is that he used to use dog blood ink back when he was doing things he shouldn't have been doing. And he probably had some leftover ink and thought it would be a symbolic way to turn the page and show that he has blood on his hands. Right? That's the only explanation, no? It was old ink."
"The fk it was," he said. "That wasn't old dog blood. That sh!t was fresh. Do you have any idea how quickly dog blood ink dries up and is unusable? Like, two days. Three max. I killed a dog on the way in here to get me that ink. Right outside the stadium."
"Ohmigod!" exclaimed Lurie. "Where's my Ginger?! Has anyone seen Ginger?"
AVOID: Brian Westbrook, RB, Eagles While an elite fantasy running back when healthy, Westbrook has battled injuries throughout his career. Now at age 30, he suffered a high-ankle sprain at mini-camp and is coming off of arthroscopic knee surgery. Plus, the Eagles drafted Westbrook's eventual replacement: LeSean McCoy. So put a huge question mark beside Westbrook for this season. Because, obviously: his fantasy potential is questionable. But, also and you may not realize this the question mark (?) was created to look like it does to visually represent Brian Westbrook's broken legs.