Filed Under » Philadelphia Eagles

Michael Vick may have once, years ago, been a despicable and cruel human being, but those days are long gone, claim many Eagles fans who are hopeful Vick can rescue their season.

"Look, I wasn't thrilled when we signed him last year," said Rick Wahl, an Eagles season ticket holder. "But the man has paid his debt to society and from all reports I've heard, he's really turned his life around or is at least not murdering dogs anymore. And did you see that run he had against the Lions? Holy shit that was awesome!"

Eagles head coach Andy Reid named Vick the team's starter over Kevin Kolb this week, giving the convicted felon control of a team full of young talent.

"Michael is ready to take this step, he is ready to lead this team," said Reid. "A man who has a 105.5 passer rating and almost single-handedly beat the Packers in one half of play has to be living a moral and lawful life, right? I mean, the chances are pretty slim he's committing crimes again, no? Why would he want to go back to jail? It doesn't make any sense."

Vick's teammates are behind him, too.

"If Mike can help us win on the field, whatever he does off the field is not really any of my business," said Eagles receiver DeSean Jackson. "If anyone should be in jail, it should be Kevin Kolb for how bad he played in Week 1."

Wahl, the Eagles season ticket holder, also added that cross-state quarterback Ben Roethlisberger "is a piece of trash" who he "could never root for."

Our reporter spent the day at Philadelphia Eagles training camp in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. Here are his notes.

> Five players were shot this morning outside of a position meeting attended by Michael Vick. Vick claims no connection to the incident.

> The shooting overshadows the camp violence from last week when quarterback Kevin Kolb, who hunts wild boar in the offseason, felled head coach Andy Reid with a spear in a case of mistaken identity. Reid made Kolb run extra sprints after practice.

> Kolb appears to have a strong grasp of the system in what will be his first year as a starter. But coaches say he still has yet to show Donovan McNabb's strength or accuracy when projectile vomiting.

> Someone named Stewart Bradley is a middle linebacker and captain of Philadelphia's defense and not an interior designer. Huh. Weird.

> Defensive lineman Brandon Graham, drafted 13th overall out of Michigan, has been performing quite well in camp. He says he is motivated to prove doubters wrong who say a traditional swimming power like Michigan can't also produce serviceable football players.

> Fourth-round draft pick Mike Kafka is getting a lot of attention as a third-string quarterback because reporters like to work his last name into their columns in the form of bad puns. But this reporter wouldn't do that because taking such extreme measures would be rather … Kafkaesque.

> Remember when Eagles cornerback Asante Samuel was on the Patriots and he dropped that easy interception in the Super Bowl that would have clinched New England's 19-0 season, and then the Patriots went on to lose? That was awesome.

> The Eagles have had to find new strength training exercises this year at camp now that Brian Westbrook is no longer around for them to carry off the field.

Philadelphia Eagles coaches and players expressed disappointment today after head coach Andy Reid reported to training camp 174 pounds overweight.

“I love the guy,” said quarterback Kevin Kolb. “But he looks terrible. We have a long season ahead of us and he’s clearly in no shape to be able to give his best. Unless he drops 165 pounds or so in the next six weeks, I don’t see how we can keep him.”

Reid says his track record of success and years of service to the team should give him the benefit of the doubt.

“I’ve won a lot here,” he said. “And I’ve been doing this for a long time. I know what my body can handle. I’ll be ready for the season. Trust me. And I think my weight is an advantage at my position. My body can feed off of itself while I put in late nights during the season watching film and writing up game plans. I don’t need to take breaks to eat. I still do anyway. Many, many times each hour I’m there. Eating. Stuffing my face.. But I think my point stands.”

But many Eagles do not accept Reid’s explanation.

“The offseason is supposed to be our time off,” said offensive lineman King Dunlap. “But if we show up here on the first day of work overweight by a few pounds, we get in trouble. Yet he can walk around like a giant sack of sh-t, shoving hot dogs in his mouth like he’s at Coney Island on the Fourth of July and everything is okay? I thought coaches were supposed to lead by example, no? Well then put down the sticky buns for a minute, lard ass.”

Reid says he should be exempt from any team punishment or fines because he attended all of the team’s voluntary and mandatory off-season workouts.

“I was there every day,” he said. “They put out a delicious spread in the locker room. So of course I was there. Free cheese squares? With ranch dressing dip? Umm … yes. You couldn’t keep me away.”

Quarterback Michael Vick will not be able to leave Pennsylvania to attend his annual crime festival in Newport News, Virginia, due to travel restrictions placed on him as part of his probation.

The Vick Family Crime Jamboree has been hosted by Vick and his brother Marcus Vick in their hometown since 2001. The event features five days and five nights of small misdemeanors up to serious felonies. Participants compete for cash prizes, loot and skilled defense attorneys. Admission is free, but those who attend are made aware that they could be robbed or assaulted at any time.

"Of all the events that I have had to miss due to the travel restrictions currently place on me, I am most disappointed to have to miss this one," said the quarterback. "Anyone who knows me knows how much I want to get back home and do some crime."

With Michael Vick unable to attend, the hosting duties fall solely onto his brother Marcus.

"I'm upset Michael won't be here," he said. "But this is my chance to prove I'm just as bad as he is. I'm tired of being in his shadow. Except when the times that literally being in his shadow has enabled me to avoid being detected by police."

Although the Eagles backup said he definitely will not attend, there are rumors that he will show up for the day's final show.

"We usually have a fireworks display that's part of blowing up a bank vault," said a source close to the Vick family. "But we are considering getting Mike out of Pennsylvania and down here. We've never had a parole violation AND a manhunt at the jamboree. I think the attendees would really enjoy it."

According to senior Pentagon officials, Philadelphia sports fans have begun enriching uranium in hopes of getting it to bomb-quality levels and may be just 3-5 years away building a usable nuclear weapon.

"It could happen even quicker if any of them were sober," saidLieutenant General Ronald Burgess, director of the Defense Intelligence Agency. "I think it goes without saying, we don't want these people to have the bomb."

Available information suggestscentrifuges at three enrichment plant locations — the parking lots surrounding Citizens Bank Park, Lincoln Financial Field and the Wachovia Center — areproducing low-enriched uranium, but are not yet being used to make highly enriched uranium at a level needed for nuclear weapons. That is the next step, however.

Joey Mottolla, who started the program, admits Philly fans plan to go nuclear.

"You better f-cking believe it," he said, high-fiving his friends. "We're going Enola Gay on all the gay-ass fans of the Cowboys and Mets and Penguins and all of them," he added, before being madefun of by his friends for knowing about history and the Enola Gay.

The program began last November during a tailgate before an Eagles game when some sausages weren't cooking fast enough.

"We needed to speed it up," said Big Mikey, Joey's friend. "It was really cold outside and charcoal just wasn't working. So we thought maybe nuclear would be better way to go. None of us knew shit about that, but my girlfriend's sister's cousin's boyfriend was at the tailgate and it turns out he was some big smart guy who went to Penn. We held him down and farted in his mouth until he agreed to help."

A few months later, the program is progressing nicely.

"I cooked a sausage before the Flyers game the other night in three seconds," said Joey. "And I only have a couple of tumors in my mouth."

While Pentagon officials believe Philly fans are still a few years away from having a usable bomb, Joey and Big Mikey are pushing it to be ready by football season.

"If we don't get to blow up Tony Homo, there's going to be more than farts in that nerd's mouth," said Joey.

Philadelphia fans are known as the most obnoxious, violent and disgusting in all of sports. And while they wear this reputation as a badge of honor, they also — oddly — claim every infamous fan incident has been misconstrued and blown way out of proportion by the "Philly-hating media" and that this stuff "happens everywhere."

Here's a rundown of all the top (bottom?) Philadelphia fan moments and what really happened.

After 11 seasons, five NFC title game appearances and one Super Bowl appearance, the Donovan McNabb era is over in Philadelphia. And for many Eagles fans, the end couldn't have come soon enough.

"I hate to say 'I told you so,' but I told you so," said Donny Nichols, a caller into Philadelphia sports talk station WIP this morning. "This trade is management finally admitting that Donovan wasn't a good fit with the Eagles. As I booed at the '99 draft, Ricky Williams was the better pick. I just wish it didn't take them this long to come to their senses."

Eagles fans wanted Williams, the star Texas running back, and not McNabb in the first round in 1999. Fast-forward to today and McNabb is traded off in the division for a mid-second round draft pick, while Williams is coming off a season in which he scored 13 touchdowns and averaged 4.7 yards per carry for the Miami Dolphins. Williams is also a year younger than McNabb and has a significantly lower salary.

"Game, set and match," WIP caller Ron "Big Ron" Mackey told show host Howard Eskin. "I've been saying on these airwaves for years that I could run this team better, and now it's proved. McNabb is gone. Even Brian Westbrook is gone. And look: we need a running back. Could it be any more obvious now that we should've drafted Ricky back in '99 like I said. Sometimes I wish I rooted for a team run by people who were smarter than me."

Big Ron also advised during his call that the Eagles create some competition for Kevin Kolb at the quarterback spot by drafting Sam Bradford and offering running back LeSean McCoy and a draft pick to the Patriots in exchange for Tom Brady.

"That's a move I think the Patriots make," said Big Ron.

Meanwhile, sources within the Eagles front office give no indication that the team plans to acquire Williams.

"Show your displeasure at the draft," Eskin advised his listeners. "Whoever they pick, boo him. Remind Andy Reid that you know better."