Opinion Penn State's Telemarketing-Based Coaching Search
Phone rings.
- Me
Hello?
- Caller
Hello. May I speak to the man or woman of the house?
- Me
This is he.
- Caller
Hi. This acting Penn State athletic director David Joyner and I'd like to talk to you about a great opportunity.
- Me
I don't know. Can you call back some other time? I'm getting ready for dinner.
- Caller
I will only take a minute of your time. I promise.
- Me
Sure. Fine. Go ahead.
- Caller
I am calling to offer you the position of head football coach at Penn State.
- Me
Hmmm. No thanks.
- Caller
It's a very prestigious program.
- Me
I'm sure it is. I'm just not interested right now. I already have a job. How did you get my number?
- Caller
We're just going through the phone book and calling every number.
- Me
Shouldn't you be contacting coaches? I'm not a coach.
- Caller
We tried that. It didn't go very … well, now we're expanding the opportunity to the general public. Can I tell you more about it? Our stadium seats nearly 110,000, we routinely make bowl games and we can pay your more than $1 million!
Picture How Jerry Sandusky Likely Plans to Dress for His Court Appearance
It's his nicest Penn State outfit.
Video Michelle Bachmann Would Beat Jerry Sandusky to a Pulp
I support her beat the hell out of child molesters platform.
News Authorities Narrow List of Suspects in Mike McQueary Threatening to Everyone in the World
"Currently, we think everyone in the world had a pretty good motive to threaten Mike McQueary with bodily harm," said Dale McConnell, State College police chief. "This is a guy who witnessed a child being raped by a grown man and did almost nothing about it. So, yeah, we currently have about 7 billion suspects. Now I guess it's just about going door-to-door and making phone calls to narrow down the list."
McConnell says he is also a suspect in the case.
"As you can imagine, as a human being, this whole scandal has filled me with immense sadness and rage," said the police chief. "There was a brief period yesterday where I blacked out in a fit of rage and may have called Mike and told him I want nothing more than to pistol whip him. Although I'm pretty sure it was Jerry Sandusky I called then. I guess I'll check the phone records."
Video Found: 1 Amazingly Rational Penn State Student
He must be the valedictorian.
News Penn State Students Learn of Joe Paterno's Dismissal Following Regularly-Scheduled Wednesday Night Riot
"Whoa. Are you serious? Joe is gone?" said junior Tommy Vanover around 2:00 a.m. "I would totally be up for rioting over that, but I just got maced and I'm tired. Maybe we can riot about it tomorrow."
While most students were upset over the news of Paterno's ouster, others thought it was the right decision.
"This gives us a reason to riot now," said senior Mike McAllister. "Honestly — and don't tell my friends this because they won't respect me anymore — but sometimes our usual riots here seem somewhat pointless. I mean, just last week we torched the town because Chipotle briefly ran out of light sour cream. But this? This is something I can really sink my rioting teeth into."
Students said they would go back to their dorms and apartments, rest up for a few hours, then start drinking and meet up around lunchtime for a new Paterno-based riot.
"Hopefully the town will put some of the streetlights back up by then so we have stuff to tear down," said Katie Jones, Penn State student council president, while vomiting.
