Picture Joe Paterno is STILL ALIVE!
Joe Paternoski is a terrible cover name.
Mark Wahlberg could have stopped the sanctions.
Maybe it was all a conspiracy so they could leave that rural hellscape.
2. No matter how bad we might get, playing Indiana and Northwestern every year means we'll still win some games!
3. Come here and you get to watch Penn State's occasionally NIT Tournament-qualifying basketball team!
4. NCAA sanctions somehow made USC even better. Maybe that will happen here, too!
5. Beating up on all the walk-ons in practice will be a ton of fun!
6. Playing for Penn State means you get to suit up in classic uniforms. Also, we can't afford uniforms with player names or logos on them now anyway!
7. We have empty statue space here. Come to Penn State and maybe we'll put up a statue of you!
8. Players get hurt in bowl games, like, every year. Consider your health!
9. Remember when Appalachian State beat Michigan? Now we're like Appalachian State. We can do it! Be inspired!
10. If you don't come here, you'll make Franco Harris really sad!
"Obviously, my current situation has become the worst football job in the country at any level," said O'Brien. "I'm hoping that if I just show up at the first Patriots practice, they'll forget I ever left. I mean, technically, I haven't missed anything."
O'Brien's Penn State program was leveled with NCAA sanctions Monday, six months after taking the job in wake of Joe Paterno's firing.
"I think I kind of naively listened to Penn State's leadership when I took the job, believing that nothing much had happened," said O'Brien. "I never expected anything like this. I'm only 42 years old. I'm a young coach. I don't want to throw my whole career away because I stupidly accepted this job."
O'Brien made his statements wearing a Patriots logo t-shirt and shorts he pulled out of the bottom of his drawer.
"We said all along that we were simply interested in a hearing of the facts," said Jay Paterno at a morning press conference. "And the facts are in. My father, Joe, knowingly allowed a man suspected to be a child rapist to continue to operate in the open, and didn't even stop Jerry Sandusky from using the Penn State football program as a means to lure in his victims. I never wanted this to be true, but again facts are facts."
Jay Paterno said it was important for his family to conduct a legitimate investigation.
"Our family's good name has suffered enough he already," he said. "Running a sham quote-unquote 'investigation' that was merely a cover to have our high-priced attorneys craft some sort of bullshit, delusional spin about my father's role in all of this wouldn't have done any good. No, getting the full truth out for the victims was always our intent. And beyond that, we as a family want to regain our credibility."
Picture There Was News About Penn State
They could be more specific.
It's like that plane doesn't even care about football.
News Penn State Revelations Spurring Other College Programs to Reevaluate Their Secret-Keeping Procedures
"The lesson here is clear: Penn State did not have institutional control when it came to concealing horrific truths about their program," said a member of the Alabama board of trustees. "If they did have institutional control, these secrets never would have been exposed. At Alabama we must do better."
Other top-level programs have already begun taking steps to avoid Penn State's fate.
"I have ordered that all e-mails between school executives and representatives of the athletic department dating back to the early 1990s when we got e-mail at the school be destroyed," said USC president C. L. Max Nikias. "I don't even want to pretend to think about what is in them. They probably read like a horror script."
USC is just one of several dozen universities that have destroyed all e-mails since the Freeh Report was released. Ohio State has destroyed all e-mail and set fire to all the computers throughout its administration and athletic offices.