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Less than a day after being fired by the Orlando Magic, now-former head coach Stan Van Gundy announced that he will return to his role as Paul Bearer, manager of The Undertaker, on WWE broadcasts.

Van Gundy, who has been sporadically playing the Paul Bearer character since the early 1990s, has been limited in his WWE appearances by his obligations as a basketball coach. With Undertaker filling a less active role in the WWE in recent years, Van Gundy will also appear in storylines featuring Kane, Undertaker’s half brother.

“It just seemed like the timing was right to play Bearer again,” Van Gundy said in a press conference. “My hope is that the WWE superstars will treat me with the respect I was denied by those on my own team this season.”

Van Gundy’s spherical figure, ghostly tenor and macabre mustache are perfectly suited to play Paul Bearer, who masquerades as a deranged, pallid funeral director. Reminiscent of his real-life relationship with superstar Dwight Howard, Bearer is frequently bullied and overpowered by those he represents, and has been buried alive on multiple occasions.

Orlando Magic center Dwight Howard today expressed an intense love for the City of Orlando, Magic fans, head coach Stan Van Gundy, his teammates and the entire Magic organization.

“This is exactly the kind of commitment we have been waiting to hear from Dwight,” said Magic owner Rich DeVos. “I was ecstatic when I heard Dwight had said this, signalling he hopes to remain with the Magic for his entire career.”

But those who were present when Howard made the statement after a morning shoot-around suspect the big man many have stated his love for Orlando sarcastically.

“I know basketball. I’m not a body language expert,” said general manager Otis Smith. “But the fact that Dwight was making a wanking motion the whole time he was talking makes me wonder if he wasn’t 100-percent serious. Especially how when he said ‘I want to remain with the Magic for my entire career,’ he pretended to ejaculate into the air and then he slumped over like he was dead.”

Howard insists he was serious in his statements about staying a member of the Magic.

“Oh, yeah. Totally serious. What would make you think I was being sarcastic,” he asked, now furiously faux-wanking with both hands while rolling his eyes.