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Kansas Jayhawks head football coach Charlie Weis promised his 1-10 football team they are just a few years away from being able to compete for a national championship.

"I know things may look bleak right now," Weis said while addressing his team from a Rascal Scooter, a half-eaten cheesesteak perched atop his bosom. "We're going to lose our last 11 games in a row and our only win came against an FCS team. But trust me, you guys are close if you keep working, stay confident and — now this is the most crucial element — the administration fires me and gets someone in here who knows what the hell he's doing. Believe."

Weis speaks from experience. Just three years after being canned by Notre Dame for seemingly driving the program into a ditch, the Fighting Irish are undefeated and have secured a spot in the BCS title game.

"I look at that team and have a sense of pride. I built that team," said Weis. "I recruited Manti Te'o and Cierre Wood and Theo Riddick and Tyler Eifert. That was me. Then someone else came in and taught them how to play football because, granted, I don't know a god damn thing about coaching up college players. But where Notre Dame is now? That's what Kansas has the opportunity to do."

Notre Dame will be recognized as the No. 1 college football team in the country by the AP poll this week, the first time the program has seen No. 1 since mid-November of the 1993 season.

"I'm not sure what took so long, but we're happy to welcome the rest of the country back into the flock of believers," said Notre Dame president Father John Jenkins said. "We've known all along that we were the best. For whatever reason, probably jealousy, the polls have claimed we were not. But our greatness is too great to ignore anymore."

The Irish lost their No. 1 ranking in 1993 one week after earning it with a 41-39 loss at home to Boston College. The next year the team went 6-5-1 and the program hasn't had a season with fewer than three losses since that '93 campaign.

"Look, everyone around South Bend and Notre Dame fans across the country have known we have always been the best team," said head coach Brian Kelly. "I wouldn't have taken the job if that wasn't true. For whatever reason the media and casual, uninformed college football fans have latched onto the SEC lately, but the SEC has nothing on the history and undeniable greatness of Notre Dame. At the very best, the championship teams of the past 25 years have been a sort of fraudulent placeholder."

NCAA president Mark Emmert today used the new, wide-ranging executive powers he established with his Penn State punishment and gutted Notre Dame's athletic department, citing "institutional arrogance."

"If you want to talk about someone thinking they're above reproach, you think Notre Dame," said Emmert. "I mean, these people still demand to have a say in how the BCS is run. And for what? The last time they were relevant I had brown hair. It's laughable. Institutional arrogance defines the entire Notre Dame athletic department. Screw them."

Emmert brought the hammer down on Notre Dame, fining them a record $150 million that will go towards funding anti-Notre Dame advertising, stripping the football team of 20 scholarships per year, banning them from the postseason until 2025 and vacating all of their wins since 1995.

"So what's that — like, 15 total wins? They suck. Big deal," said Emmert. "Also, they shouldn't lose any sleep over being kept out of bowls. They lose when they make them anyway."