News Manti Te'o: "My agent says I fell out of the 1st Round because I'm a moron"
"According to my agent, all of the teams backed away from me because they feel I am a 'total and complete moron,' to quote him," said Te'o. "He said they think I'm the dumbest person ever and they say that's even relative to other football players, which therefore — and again, I'm quoting — possibly makes me the 'dumbest person in the entire world.'"
Tom Condon, Te'o's agent, confirmed teams' sentiments towards the linebacker.
"Wow. Te'o remembered everything I said perfectly," said Condon. "Probably because I spoke very, very slowly and made him repeat the words back to me and also made sure there were no shiny objects in the room when I was talking to him."
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Video Manti Te'o's Katie Couric Interview: Auto-Tuned
Not nearly as terrible as that sounds.
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No imaginary friend limit either? That's a great rate.
News Manti Te'o Says He is a Chronic Bedwetter in Attempt to Create Less Embarrassing Narrative About Himself
Couric met Te'o's statement with suspicion.
"Really?" she said with a raised eyebrow. "Well … that's maybe a conversation for another time. But let's get back to the issue at hand. Your hours and hours of phone calls with a fake girlfriend who it turns out was a male acquaintance of yours using a fake girl's voice. What about that?"
"Well, Katie," Te'o responded. "What I'd like to really talk about today is not only by incontinence, but also my incredibly small penis. It has a medical name, in fact: micropenis."
Still Couric forged ahead: "I want to stick to the story everyone is talking about, if you will. I know the fake girlfriend is probably more embarrassing for you than your supposed micropenis and how you defecate in your pants, but this is what America wants to hear about."
"I eat my boogers," said Te'o. "It's my primary source of nutrition."
"Manti. Please. Stay on topic," said Couric.
"I'm a furry. I dress up in an animal costumes and have sex with other people dressed as animals," Te'o said. "I enjoy eating gum I found stuck to surfaces in public places. I clean my family's dog with my tongue. I enjoy the music of Nickelback. Anything? Please?"
