Filed Under » Nick Saban

In what associates are calling "the ultimate Saban dick move," Alabama head football coach Nick Saban phoned Big East commissioner Mike Aresco this morning to express "serious interest in joining the Big East."

"You should have seen the shit-eating grin on Nick's face while he was making the call," said an Alabama staffer who witnessed the conversation. "The whole time he was rolling his eyes and making wanking motions with his free hand. I thought it was really rude to a conference that is going through a hard time, but I didn't want to say anything or I'd lose my job or worse."

Aresco was reportedly ecstatic to receive the call from the Alabama coach.

"Oh, wow. Are you serious, Mr. Saban? You really want to join the Big East? That would be outstanding!" Aresco said.

"Hell, yeah. I'm serious," Saban replied, faking sincerity and enthusiasm. "I really like the nationwide conference you guys are building there. You stretch from UConn down to South Florida over to Tulane up to Boise State and all the way out to San Diego State. No other conference has that kind of footprint."

"Exactly! That's what I've been telling everyone!" Aresco almost yelled. "Oh, man, Nick. It's so good to hear someone like you say that. I have to tell you, we've had some really terrible days and months here. It's been ugly. People are worried the conference is going to die, that they're going to lose their jobs. But getting you? Getting Alabama? We're going to be just fine. More than fine, in fact. Oh, praise Jesus."

Alabama head coach Nick Saban scheduled a 6:00 a.m. celebration today for his team so they could enjoy their BCS championship before offseason workouts were to begin promptly at 6:08 a.m.

"Attendance is mandatory," Saban informed his team at a 10:30 meeting last night to inform them of the celebration. "As is having fun and making merriment. There will be no exceptions. If you don't celebrate, if I don't see a goddam smile on your face, you will run."

Saban, who has vowed to enjoy his second BCS championship at Alabama, even went as far as to allow decorations for the locker room party. A white roll of athletic tape was hung from the ceiling beside a red roll of tape and below on the floor sat a folding chair with a small bag of pretzels Saban personally purchased from the vending machine down the hall.

"Line up, men. Now, there aren't enough pretzels for everyone," Saban told his assembled team this morning. "So just break off a tiny piece for yourself. Then you may speak to the teammate to your immediate left at your leisure. But no laughing. I hate laughing. We're not throwing all the rules out the window just because we won two goddam titles. Don't push me. I won't break, but I will break you."