Filed Under » NHL

Quebec native Simon Gagne returned to his car after practice yesterday morning to find that the tires were slashed and windows were broken. On the driver's door was spray-painted: "GO HOME FRENCH F##GOT!"

"I walked out to my car and couldn't believe what happened," said Gagne. "I asked a guy standing there if he saw who did it and he said: 'Yeah! Me, man! I saw a Quebec license plate and I did what needed to be done!' And then he tried to give me a high-five."

Gagne, the Sainte-Foy, Quebec native who has scored six goals during Philadelphia's six-game playoff win streak, then used his cell phone to call team security to deal with the fan.

"I want to win the Stanley Cup," said Gagne. "We all do. But it's really hard playing for these people sometimes. I think Scott Hartnell is the only one who likes them. Probably because he's even dumber than they are."

But Gagne stressed that not all Philadelphia fans behave in a boorish, violent or criminal way.

"I don't want to paint with a broad brush," he said. "Only 80, 85-percent are like that. There is a small percentage of nice ones."

The fan who vandalized Gagne's car said he was disappointed to hear the star center is from Quebec.

"That's f—king gay, man," said Tommy Jenks. "I thought he was from Philly. I don't know how much I can cheer for him anymore. At least we got people like Danny Briere. That's a good Philly name. I know a bunch of people named Danny."

A big, fat queer who wandered into the locker room today said he (she?) didn’t care for the crass language and rude, politically incorrect jokes.

“Fellas, would you mind cutting that stuff out for a few minutes?” said the homo. “I would really appreciate it. I’m here with my daughter and I prefer she didn’t hear these things. She’s only eight.”

The taintlicker’s request was thoughtfully considered by the players in the locker room.

“Oh, we sure are sorry, you butt pirate,” said one player. “But, yeah, your daughter doesn’t have to hear this kind of stuff. But she’s going to see it – wooooooo!” he added, dropping his towel to swing his penis around and around in a circle, an act that earned him high-fives from several of his teammates.

With his flat-chested daughter now crying like a bitch, the fudge packer demanded again that the “immature” behavior stop, now raising his voice.

“Are you guys out of your mind? This is a little girl!” he said. “You should be ashamed of yourselves.”

“Are you guys blah blah blah blah!” quickly replied another player. “Blah blah blah blah blah. I’m a queerbate! I like boys! Blah blah blah blah,” he added, forcing out a fart for good measure.

Added a teammate: “Don’t tell us how to behave in our locker room, dick jockey. If you don’t want your daughter to hear this stuff, don’t bring her in here. We don’t go to her school and ask her to talk different, so don’t bring her here. And, yes, before you say anything, you stupid mongofagaloid, I know I don’t go to her school because the court requires me to stay at least 500 yards away from all schools. But,” he added via belch-talking: “I think my point still holds up. Heh … up. Like my dong right now.”

Frustrated and angry, the limp dick grabbed his daughter’s hand and stormed out of the locker room.

“Wooh! I like watching that girl of yours go,” yelled a player. “Does she like lollipops? I’ve got something she can suck on! Woooooo! Yeah!”

With the queernozzle and his daughter finally out of earshot, the players went back to admiring one another’s naked bodies while lobbing gay jokes back and forth.

A hush went over the Bell Centre crowd last night when Montreal Canadiens goalie Jaroslav Halak's mask was removed, revealing the goaltender's face for the first time in his life.

During a stoppage in play late in the third period with the Canadiens leading Pittsburgh, 4-2, Penguins star Sidney Crosby skated up behind Halak and suddenly and dramatically tore the mask from Halak's face, revealing it to the fans in the arena and millions more watching on TV.

"He has developed such a legendary reputation in these playoffs," said Crosby. "I thought showing everyone his true identity would remove some of that mystique or at least let us know what sort of being we are working against."

Stories have circulated about Halak since he led the No. 8 seeded Canadiens to a first-round upset of Alexander Ovechkin and the Washington Capitals.

"I heard he wears that mask because he got a severe burn as a child," said Penguins center Jordan Staal. "And so he hid his horrid face behind a mask and spent 20 hours a day practicing goalie."

"I hear he's an alien," said Penguins defenseman Sergei Gonchar.

"I hear he's nothing but smoke," said Penguins center Evgeni Malkin. "Smoke sent from the underworld."

But it turns out none of the rumors were true. After the Bell Centre crowd and the players on the ice covered their eyes with the initial shock of seeing Halak unmasked, they slowly took a good look at him.

"It turns out he's just a regular guy," said Crosby. "Kind of Eastern European-looking. But very pale and weak-looking and mousey. In a way it makes our inability to score on him even more humiliating. I wish I hadn't unmasked him."

According to sources close to Hall of Famer Ray Bourque, the legendary defenseman would like to sign with his former team, the Boston Bruins, in hopes of finally winning a Stanley Cup in Boston.

"Winning with the Avalanche back in 2001 was great for Ray," said his longtime agent, Sid Grant. "But we all know that was never his career goal. He played 21 seasons in Boston and this is one of the best chances he has."

The Bruins currently hold a 3-0 lead over the Philadelphia Flyers in the Eastern Conference semifinals, with only the No. 4 or No. 8 seed waiting for them in the Eastern finals. It's as close as Boston has been to a Stanley Cup in years. But as much as the team wants to remain associated with the longtime face of the franchise, they're not sure how much they want him on the ice.

"We're playing our best hockey of the season right now," said Claude Julien. "I'm not sure how much I want to mess with our roster. Plus, isn't Ray, like, even older than Chris Chelios now?"

Bourque, who turned 49 in December, is 13 months older than Chelios, who played seven games this season for the Atlanta Thrashers.

"Chris has stayed in game shape through his 40s, while Ray has been retired for nine years," said Julien. "Plus, let's not pretend playing for the Thrashers is like playing in the playoffs. In fact, it's actually impossible to play for the Thrashers and play in the playoffs."

But opening up a spot for Bourque is very popular around town.

"With the us winning and the Red Sox losing, the bandwagon is filing up pretty fast," said left wing Milan Lucic. "When I tell people I play for the Bruins, they say: 'Oh, do you know Ray Bourque?' I then have to explain to them that he hasn't been on the team for a decade. But I'm sure if we got him back, people would get excited about the rest of the team, too."

The Bruins admit that, if forced, they would much rather play 50-year-old Ray than his 24-year-old son, Chris, a Washington Capitals minor leaguer.

Philadelphia fans are known as the most obnoxious, violent and disgusting in all of sports. And while they wear this reputation as a badge of honor, they also — oddly — claim every infamous fan incident has been misconstrued and blown way out of proportion by the "Philly-hating media" and that this stuff "happens everywhere."

Here's a rundown of all the top (bottom?) Philadelphia fan moments and what really happened.

Time had only just expired on the Washington Capitals' stunning first-round playoff exit at the hands of the 8th-seeded Montreal Canadiens and already team officials were outlining changes that must be made for the team to be more competitive next season.

"We need to build this team more for playoff hockey," said general manager George McPhee. "We need to find a No. 1 goalie. And, most of all, we need to admit what is now obvious: Alexander Ovechkin has a problem stepping up in big games. That track record is undeniable. But we think there is hope."

McPhee says he has already placed a call to representatives of actress Kate Hudson, who last fall miraculously transformed Alex Rodriguez from sport's biggest choker into a postseason star.

"That woman's vagina has magical, healing powers," said McPhee. "We want Ovie to be cleansed and renewed in its waters."

Hudson is currently on-location filming the movie "Something Borrowed" with Colin Farrell, John Krasinski and Ginnifer Goodwin, but her agent says she is considering the offer.

"It's going to be tough for Kate to date right now," said Patrick Whitesell of William Morris Endeavor. "She's filming a movie and has two other projects coming up. Also, we have a date request from Sergio Garcia. And he's more of her type. But if Mr. Ovechkin's people can throw season tickets for Kurt Russell into the deal, it will help his chances."

Ovechkin says he supports management's plan.

"Kate Hudson. I like her very much," said Ovechkin. "'You, Me and Dupree' is great movie. Very funny. Now I can have the sex with the Me character, yes? Her voojonny bring me many championship?"