Opinion 3-Step Guide on How Athletes Can Become One of the Biggest Stars in Their Sport!
News Kobe Vows to Start Week 1 of the NFL Season, Has Painkiller Dosage Lowered
"My man rg3 you do it i do it. It a bet dog," read part of Bryant's post, written just days after surgery to repair a torn Achilles. "My thrwing arm iz not hurt i just wil b more of a packet qb. never been mor motvated to win Supr bowel."
Bryant then went on to write several hundred barely lucid words about spiders that he claims are living inside his eyelids, saying eyelashes are "jus spider hands sticking out ur face. LOL. No lol: FEAR. I'd fight a bear b4 a damn spidr. Eylid spidrs!!! When u blink its them biting yor eyes."
Several minutes later, Bryant took to Twitter and tried to order a sandwich: "Hello. Turkey on rye plz .. no eyelid spiders on the side .., nEver them."
Opinion The 25 Best Sports Nicknames of All-Time
#25 — Mordecai "Three Finger" Brown
Origin: Remember how your parents told you to be careful around power tools? They weren't kidding. When future MLB pitcher Brown was a young man he accidentally put his hand in his family farm's feed chopper. The chopper's blades cut off most of his index finger, and a later fall on the same hand permanently mangled the middle finger on his pitching hand.
His maimed fingers, though, turned out to be a blessing when they enabled him to put massive amounts of spin on his pitches. Hitters couldn't get balls in the air against Brown, and he won 239 games on his way to the Hall of Fame. So, the lesson here is clear: if your Major League dreams are looking improbable, try sticking your hand in a woodchipper. Can't hurt! (Outside of the excruciating pain.) This is the look you'll want to go for:
#24 — "The Flying Housewife" Fanny Blankers-Koen
Origin: The track events at the 1948 Summer Olympic Games in London got a bit more interesting when Dutch runner Fanny Blankers-Koen tied on her spikes. She was 30 years old, a mother of two children, and ready to kick some serious tail. Blankers-Koen ended up winning four gold medals at the games, which propelled her to international fame as the wife and mother who outran everyone else.
And while the picture of Fanny below may not suggest it, she was a confirmed MILTF. (A mom I'd like to do track and field with. Duh.)
News Report: 1,692 NFL Players to Come Out as Gay on Wednesday
"We're in talks with well over a thousand players who are considering it," says Ayanbadejo. "There are 1,692 players being talked to right now and they're trying to be organized so they can come out on Wednesday together. It would make a major splash and take the pressure off one guy. It would be a monumental day if almost everyone in the NFL came out together."
The statement immediately led to debate online over who the four heterosexual NFL players might be.
While Ayanbadejo said it is "99.999-percent certain" that 1,692 players will come out as gay on Wednesday morning, he has also built up a track record of making statements he later has to back away from. But he insists this time it's different.
"The only thing some players have reservations about is if them coming out would make things too hard on the four non-gay players," he said. "We don't want them to feel as though they don't belong because they are straight."
Opinion 7 Reasons Underdogs Suck and You Should Never Root for Them
1. Everyone roots for underdogs.
Look at the wisdom of everyone. See the highest-rated shows on broadcast TV? See the albums that are at the top of the charts? See the crap everyone shovels into their mouths? Everyone is a moron. Your life's goal should be to never go along with what everyone does.
2. Underdogs are just pre-overdogs.
How does one become a hated favorite? By winning. If an underdog wins, they're no longer an underdog. The moment that clock hits double-zeroes and they're ahead on the scoreboard, you're beloved "underdog" is an overdog and you're nothing but a front-running bandwagon fan.
3. Rooting for underdogs glorifies failure.
Want to know the only way to become an underdog? Weeks, months, years or even decades of sustained sucking. Yep, the only reason to become an underdog is by having a long track record of failure. And now you're going to cheer that team on? You're going to put all of your support behind an outfit that was defined by stinking? You're going to reward failure over sustained excellence? Wow. No wonder the world's going down the crapper. You and your underdog-loving brethren are to blame.
News Chiefs Leak Photos of Them Making Out with Geno Smith
"What can I say, we really like Geno Smith," said Andy Reid. "We are seriously considering drafting him with the No. 1 overall pick. One thing just seems to be leading to another. There's definite chemistry there."
Yet most NFL general managers see the photos as just the latest effort by the franchise to trick another team into trading up for Kansas City's No. 1 pick, fearing the Chiefs will take Smith — even though they just acquired Alex Smith from the 49ers.
"There's no way they take Geno Smith No. 1 overall," said Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly. "That said, snuggling with him at a nightclub seems pretty extreme if they're not serious. Maybe they just like him so much they feel they can't pass him up at No. 1. This is tough. You know, maybe we should trade up."
Smith claims the photos are Photoshopped.
"I met with them, but I told them I wasn't interested," he said. "I realize every player dreams of being the No. 1 overall pick. But if that dream involves the Kansas City Chiefs? No. No one dreams of that."
Picture America is a Better GM Than Jerry Jones
You have to work pretty had to be dumber than America, Jerry Jones.
News Dr. James Andrews Unveils Superstar "FrankenAthlete" Made from Athlete Body Parts He's Collected Over the Years
"FrankenAthlete is the most physically perfect being ever created," said Andrews. "No single athlete could ever hope to defeat it."
Andrews has done surgeries during his career on Michael Jordan, Adrian Peterson, Jack Nicklaus, Robert Griffin III, Bo Jackson and countless other great athletes. He says he has combined parts and DNA he removed from all of them to grow FrankenAthlete.
"If any of my past patients have a problem with what I have done, I'd let them know that they agreed to this," said Andrews. "They need to read the fine print on their surgery paperwork a little better."
News 17 Year-Old Girl Turns Down Mark Sanchez's Request to Take Her to Prom
"It's just not something I wanted to do," said Grainger. "I hope there are no hard feelings, but being seen with Mark Sanchez in public in 2013 is about the most humiliating thing I can imagine. Being seen with any Jets player, I just … I would never live it down."
Sanchez had sent the 17 year-old several letters asking to take her to prom and also posted a YouTube video in which he said going with her "would be a dream come true and make him the happiest player on the New York Jets."
In place of Sanchez, Kara will go to the prom with her on-again, off-again boyfriend Kyle, a C-student waiting to see if he will get accepted to Rutgers.
"Kyle isn't exactly anyone's idea of a dream date," she said. "But at least he's not seen nationally as symbol of failure. I can't imagine the things people would say to me if I went with Sanchez. 'Hey, Kara, don't let him fumble your butt tonight.' So embarrassing."
