News American Sports Fans to Resume Hating Boston Teams in 36 Hours
"We received word today that while the nation continues to support the people of Boston, sports fans will begin hating the Red Sox again very soon," said a Red Sox front office source. "While I wish that wasn't the case, I completely understand it. I mean, I supported New York after 9/11 and felt great compassion and heartbreak for everyone there, but I still loved it when they lost the 2001 World Series. The people of New York and what New York City represents is not the same as the Yankees baseball team. Screw the Yankees, right?"
Had the chase for the remaining suspect stretched on for several more days, Boston's teams would likely have received near-unanimous support well into next week, but Friday night's speedy resolution means that support will dissipate over the weekend.
"It's not surprising, especially with the playoffs starting," said Celtics head coach Doc Rivers. "Right or wrong, people move on. Although the one thing we might have going for us is that we're playing the Knicks. A lot of fans hate them, too. We might be the least disagreeable option. At least for a series."
Patriots owner Robert Kraft says he has learned the Patriots were never viewed in a sympathetic light.
"Unlike the other three teams, we are not in season," said Kraft. "So no one ever felt the need to stop hating us. We remain universally loathed outside of New England. It's been business as usual around here."
Opinion The 17 Worst Games on the 2013 NFL Schedule
Week 1
Chiefs at Jaguars
"Hey, what do you mean this is a bad game? We have Alex Smith and Andy Reid now!" – a poor Chiefs fan who sadly just doesn't know any better
Week 2
Jaguars at Raiders
Based on their first two opponents, it's not impossible that the Jacksonville Jaguars could start the season 2-0. It's also quite possible the Jacksonville Jaguars will finish the season 2-14. At best.
Week 3
Bills at Jets
It's the Kevin Kolb-David Garrard battle America wants. No, it's the Kevin Kolb-David Garrard battle America needs.
News FBI: "We became suspicious of Jimmy Haslam when he showed interest in owning the Cleveland Browns"
"We had no knowledge of any wrongdoing by Mr. Haslam or his company," said an FBI source. "But, obviously, when someone willingly wants to own the Cleveland Browns, that raises a lot of warning flags. Why would anyone want to do that?"
Haslam's company, the Pilot Flying J truck stop chain, was raided by the FBI and IRS this week as part of a fraud investigation. Federal agents say Haslam knew of the fraud. He took ownership of the Cleveland Browns in October.
"He wasn't on our radar at all," confirmed another FBI official. "But when you look for suspicious behavior, purposely identifying with the Cleveland Browns is as suspicious as it gets. Our investigation began that very day. We weren't at all surprised to uncover illegal activity. His Browns move clearly indicated he was prone to doing stupid things."
Opinion 3-Step Guide on How Athletes Can Become One of the Biggest Stars in Their Sport!
News Kobe Vows to Start Week 1 of the NFL Season, Has Painkiller Dosage Lowered
"My man rg3 you do it i do it. It a bet dog," read part of Bryant's post, written just days after surgery to repair a torn Achilles. "My thrwing arm iz not hurt i just wil b more of a packet qb. never been mor motvated to win Supr bowel."
Bryant then went on to write several hundred barely lucid words about spiders that he claims are living inside his eyelids, saying eyelashes are "jus spider hands sticking out ur face. LOL. No lol: FEAR. I'd fight a bear b4 a damn spidr. Eylid spidrs!!! When u blink its them biting yor eyes."
Several minutes later, Bryant took to Twitter and tried to order a sandwich: "Hello. Turkey on rye plz .. no eyelid spiders on the side .., nEver them."
Opinion The 25 Best Sports Nicknames of All-Time
#25 — Mordecai "Three Finger" Brown
Origin: Remember how your parents told you to be careful around power tools? They weren't kidding. When future MLB pitcher Brown was a young man he accidentally put his hand in his family farm's feed chopper. The chopper's blades cut off most of his index finger, and a later fall on the same hand permanently mangled the middle finger on his pitching hand.
His maimed fingers, though, turned out to be a blessing when they enabled him to put massive amounts of spin on his pitches. Hitters couldn't get balls in the air against Brown, and he won 239 games on his way to the Hall of Fame. So, the lesson here is clear: if your Major League dreams are looking improbable, try sticking your hand in a woodchipper. Can't hurt! (Outside of the excruciating pain.) This is the look you'll want to go for:
#24 — "The Flying Housewife" Fanny Blankers-Koen
Origin: The track events at the 1948 Summer Olympic Games in London got a bit more interesting when Dutch runner Fanny Blankers-Koen tied on her spikes. She was 30 years old, a mother of two children, and ready to kick some serious tail. Blankers-Koen ended up winning four gold medals at the games, which propelled her to international fame as the wife and mother who outran everyone else.
And while the picture of Fanny below may not suggest it, she was a confirmed MILTF. (A mom I'd like to do track and field with. Duh.)
News Report: 1,692 NFL Players to Come Out as Gay on Wednesday
"We're in talks with well over a thousand players who are considering it," says Ayanbadejo. "There are 1,692 players being talked to right now and they're trying to be organized so they can come out on Wednesday together. It would make a major splash and take the pressure off one guy. It would be a monumental day if almost everyone in the NFL came out together."
The statement immediately led to debate online over who the four heterosexual NFL players might be.
While Ayanbadejo said it is "99.999-percent certain" that 1,692 players will come out as gay on Wednesday morning, he has also built up a track record of making statements he later has to back away from. But he insists this time it's different.
"The only thing some players have reservations about is if them coming out would make things too hard on the four non-gay players," he said. "We don't want them to feel as though they don't belong because they are straight."
Opinion 7 Reasons Underdogs Suck and You Should Never Root for Them
1. Everyone roots for underdogs.
Look at the wisdom of everyone. See the highest-rated shows on broadcast TV? See the albums that are at the top of the charts? See the crap everyone shovels into their mouths? Everyone is a moron. Your life's goal should be to never go along with what everyone does.
2. Underdogs are just pre-overdogs.
How does one become a hated favorite? By winning. If an underdog wins, they're no longer an underdog. The moment that clock hits double-zeroes and they're ahead on the scoreboard, you're beloved "underdog" is an overdog and you're nothing but a front-running bandwagon fan.
3. Rooting for underdogs glorifies failure.
Want to know the only way to become an underdog? Weeks, months, years or even decades of sustained sucking. Yep, the only reason to become an underdog is by having a long track record of failure. And now you're going to cheer that team on? You're going to put all of your support behind an outfit that was defined by stinking? You're going to reward failure over sustained excellence? Wow. No wonder the world's going down the crapper. You and your underdog-loving brethren are to blame.
News Chiefs Leak Photos of Them Making Out with Geno Smith
"What can I say, we really like Geno Smith," said Andy Reid. "We are seriously considering drafting him with the No. 1 overall pick. One thing just seems to be leading to another. There's definite chemistry there."
Yet most NFL general managers see the photos as just the latest effort by the franchise to trick another team into trading up for Kansas City's No. 1 pick, fearing the Chiefs will take Smith — even though they just acquired Alex Smith from the 49ers.
"There's no way they take Geno Smith No. 1 overall," said Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly. "That said, snuggling with him at a nightclub seems pretty extreme if they're not serious. Maybe they just like him so much they feel they can't pass him up at No. 1. This is tough. You know, maybe we should trade up."
Smith claims the photos are Photoshopped.
"I met with them, but I told them I wasn't interested," he said. "I realize every player dreams of being the No. 1 overall pick. But if that dream involves the Kansas City Chiefs? No. No one dreams of that."
