He's the next Mel Kiper, Jr.
"According to my agent, all of the teams backed away from me because they feel I am a 'total and complete moron,' to quote him," said Te'o. "He said they think I'm the dumbest person ever and they say that's even relative to other football players, which therefore and again, I'm quoting possibly makes me the 'dumbest person in the entire world.'"
Tom Condon, Te'o's agent, confirmed teams' sentiments towards the linebacker.
"Wow. Te'o remembered everything I said perfectly," said Condon. "Probably because I spoke very, very slowly and made him repeat the words back to me and also made sure there were no shiny objects in the room when I was talking to him."
The Cowboys are the best, but have the worst quarterback. Got it.
He held the Heisman Trophy above his head as he ran across the stage, exiting stage right. Seconds later, a phalanx of topless young women ran across the stage in pursuit of Manziel.
"Johnny Manziel, ladies and gentlemen," commissioner Roger Goodell said, barely skipping a beat, after the models exited the stage. "What a kid, huh?"
NFL officials had reportedly been alerted before the draft that Manziel was partying in New York City Thursday night for a paper he is working for school called "Partying in New York City on the Night of the 2013 NFL Draft" and that an incident could occur.
Opinion 2013 NFL Draft BINGO!
That was Andy Reid's reaction when informed of Kansas City's final take in a six-team trade that saw the Chiefs trade the No. 1 overall pick in the 2013 NFL Draft.
"How did this happen," asked the Chiefs head coach to the rest of the front office staff. "I thought we had two first rounders and three second rounders out of this?"
No one had an explanation. An intern named Kevin eventually piped up.
"It looks like early on in the trade we did have those picks, but then they were moved on to complete other aspects of the six-team deal as were all of our other picks in every other round," said Kevin. "And we forgot to get anything back except it looks like a 7th rounder in 2015 from the Falcons."
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They put the sticker over his face because he's crying.
According to several reports, the Kansas City Chiefs plan to trade down in the 2013 NFL Draft and give up the No. 1 overall pick.
"I don't know if this is the best thing for the team to do exactly," said head coach Andy Reid. "I mainly just want to take a big dump on all the idiots who have been doing mock drafts for months. What a bunch of losers, am I right?"
The Chiefs have yet to settle on the specific deal.
"We have a lot of teams who are interested in the trade because they obviously want to get in on making the draft prognosticators look like stupid assholes," said Reid. "We'll probably pick the deal that messes up the draft order the most. A five or six-team deal would be pretty awesome."