Fran Tarkenton is not a big Brett Favre fan. The former Vikings quarterback hates him so much he may never wear jeans or mow his lawn again. And he's proud to tell the world.
"I really have no interest in what Brett Favre does. He kind of lost me a few years ago by retiring and unretiring and here and there," Tarkenton said on "The Opening Drive" on Sirius NFL Radio."I asked a few friends here, maybe 10 or 12 people we were out with last night. I said, 'What do you think about Brett Favre going back to the Vikings?' You know who cared? Nobody. It's good news for you guys. It's good news for television and so forth but the last time I heard football was a team sport, isn't it? It's not just about the quarterback."
Next Tarkenton spoke with ESPN's Outside the Lines have responsibilities we're just not athletes that are in it all for ourself, football, is it not a team game? Isn't it all about team and here comes Brett Favre riding in on his white horse, doesn't go to training camp, doesn't come to offseason workouts and he's gonna come on his white horse and bond with all these players."
Wow. Tough words. Tarkenton clearly believes the Favre-Vikings experiment is not going to end well.
But if it would go well? Perhaps even end with a Super Bowl title? Why, that would be INCREDIBLE!
You know, for someone who apparently advocates the live-boiling of kittens, Tarkenton should probably keep his opinions to himself. Even Michael Vick wasn't that depraved.
Our reporter spent the day at Minnesota Vikings training camp in Mankato, Minn. Here are his notes.
> Brett Favre may not know all the Vikings plays yet, but he has had no problem so far adapting them to his style of play. Regardless of the call, he just drops back, runs around in a circle a few times, spots the receiver farthest down the field and then throws the ball as high and as far as he can. And the good news for the Vikings: with Favre's aging eyes and weak, old man arm, he's normally hitting a receiver only 10 to 15 yards downfield just the conservative approach this team needs! Great signing.
> Based on Brad Childress' dishonest handling and undercutting of Tarvaris Jackson, it's obvious he is a racist who hates black people. No, that's not fair. I'm kidding. I can't say that for sure. And don't forget Sage Rosenfels also was handled unfairly. So it's blacks and Jews that Brad Childress hates. That one's a definite. Pass it on.
> First round draft pick Percy Harvin is an explosive wide receiver with a troubled past. But let's cut the kid a break. Consider his life story: He was born in 1988 when Brett Favre was the starting quarterback for Southern Miss, so he has absolutely no recollection of football without Brett Favre. Poor kid. Fking tragic.
> I spotted a luxury bus parked outside the fence at Vikings practice. Beside the cruiser was a large, elderly man peering through the fence and masturbating while Favre went through his reps.
> It's hard not to look at Brett Favre in a Vikings helmet and see the horns as the horns of a demon. Or maybe Satan, Prince of Darkness, himself.
> Vikings owner Zygi Wilf wouldn't tell me what the "W" stands for, but I told him no thanks on the "ILF" part.
Less than 20 minutes after rolling off of his wife and kissing her goodnight, former Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre is seriously considering a return to her body for one more go.
“I thought I had my fill,” said Favre. “But I’m still a relatively young man. There are still some things I can do. Still some things I can accomplish. I don’t think I want to go out the way I did.”
The Favres had quite a romp in bed throughout the night, but just when things looked to be set up perfectly for his wife to achieve orgasm, Favre blew it with a disastrous premature ejaculation.
“We had a great ride, but it ended terribly,” he said. “I have always liked to push it and go right up to the edge, but sometimes I go too far. That’s why I’ve had a fair number of premature ejaculations in my career. But I have also given some amazing orgasms, too.”
In the minutes after their disappointing finish, Favre’s wife tried to gauge her husband’s interest in returning for one more try. He quickly turned her down.
“It was a long haul and I was mentally and physically drained,” said Favre. “I had shot my load. And I honestly didn’t feel like doing it all over again. I was content with how I left things. I just wanted to relax and maybe watch some TV.”
But soon Favre started to feel the desire to get back on and go.
“I love it – what can I tell you?” he said. “I love the excitement. I love the sweat. I love getting cheered on to succeed. There’s nothing I like more. I just have a strong, deep desire inside of me. And it’s usually exhibited by an erection.”
But despite Favre’s desire to give it one more try, his wife isn’t so sure.
“I had some decisions to make and I had to move on. I couldn’t lay here and wait,” she said. “I think I was pretty close to something great back there, so I decided to turn to this vibrator I got a few years ago and see if it could finish the job. It’s not Brett Favre, but I think it will do a fine job. Ohhhhhh, yes. It’s doing quite nicely. Ohhhhhh my yes. I mean, I guess Brett can come back if he wants to, but the job isn’t necessarily his anymore. Oooooooh. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yessssss!”
Our reporter spent the day at Oakland Raiders training camp in Napa Valley, Calif. Here are his notes.
> Quarterback JaMarcus Russell, the No. 1 overall pick in the 2007 draft, appears to be turning the corner. (There is a Krispy Kreme around the corner from Oakland's training facility.)
> With unemployment near 10-percent nationally, the Raiders fanbase is expected to be more rabid than ever.
> The autumn wind may be a Raider, but the summer wind is definitely a Raider: weak, tepid, somewhat pointless.
> Raiders head coach Tom Cable said that, despite reports, he did not punch assistant coach Randy "Donny" Hanson. However, the two obviously had a strained relationship for quite some time.
> Owner Al Davis said he does not have a problem with his coaches getting in heated arguments. However, he has stated that immediate dismissal will result for anyone who punches a team employee with lady glasses.
> The Raiders were criticized for reaching on first round draft pick Darrius Heyward-Bey, and even more so for their second round pick of Michael Mitchell out of Ohio. And then they were criticized again for Heyward-Bey's massive contract. But Raiders management is adamant that you don't just win more than five games a season by making smart personnel moves, you have to gamble.
AVOID: Knowshon Moreno, RB, Broncos Many fantasy owners expect big things this year out of the former Georgia star. But just because Mike Shanahan and his running back-by-committee are gone in Denver does not mean the Broncos starting back is now going to rack up big numbers. Why? Because this year Denver is using a running-back-beside-Kyle-Orton approach, meaning opposing defenses have no reason not to put eight, no 11 men in the box. Knowshon, know last.
Our reporter spent the day at Philadelphia Eagles training camp in Bethlehem, Penn. Here are his notes.
> Michael Vick had a solid first day of practice with some mixed results. On one broken play, he scrambled and picked up 25 yards. On another, he hit rookie Jeremy Maclin in the hands with a pass, Maclin dropped it and Vick shanked him in the back.
> Donovan McNabb told me that the Vick signing does not make him feel that he is being undercut. Or at least I think that's what he was saying. As he was finishing his sentence, Andy Reid ran over and took him out at the knees.
> The Eagles are shocked by the number of injuries they have suffered and their lack of depth threatens to sabotage their season. How could they know people could get hurt playing football?!
> Head coach Andy Reid is signed through the 2010 season with a team option to fire him whenever they want and replace him with Tony Dungy.
> Seventh round pick Moise Fokou was cut after this exchange with linebackers coach Bill Shuey "Hey, Fow-kow, come here." "It's Fokou, sir." "What did you say to me, rookie?" "Fokou." "No, FK YOU! You're cut!"
> Rookie receiver Jeremy Maclin has impressed coaches with his speed. I'm not sure if it will be of any use with the five and 10-yard patterns the Eagles run in their offense. But, if they didn't run a stupid offense, he'd be a big weapon.
Eagles head coach Andy Reid and owner Jeffrey Lurie say they are terrified that their controversial new player signed his contract with the team in dog's blood.
"It was a dark red ink," said Reid.
"And a really strange consistency," added Lurie.
"Also, he dipped his quill pen into a an ink container labeled DOG'S BLOOD and then signed the contract with it," continued Reid.
"Yeah, that part raised some flags with me, as well," said Lurie.
Team management says they still support Vick, even though they are growing more and more certain that his new two-year contract may now contain DNA evidence of a crime.
"Michael says he has changed, Tony Dungy and Roger Goodell vouched for him and he served his time," said Reid. "That's good enough for me. Still, though I'm positive that was dog blood. There has to be some sort of explanation for this."
"Michael Vick is a changed man," said the owner. "He looked me in the eye and said he has changed. My guess for the explanation and this may sound far-fetched is that he used to use dog blood ink back when he was doing things he shouldn't have been doing. And he probably had some leftover ink and thought it would be a symbolic way to turn the page and show that he has blood on his hands. Right? That's the only explanation, no? It was old ink."
"The fk it was," he said. "That wasn't old dog blood. That sh!t was fresh. Do you have any idea how quickly dog blood ink dries up and is unusable? Like, two days. Three max. I killed a dog on the way in here to get me that ink. Right outside the stadium."
"Ohmigod!" exclaimed Lurie. "Where's my Ginger?! Has anyone seen Ginger?"