Picture White Kid On the All-Black Team
"We're down 2. Get the kicker ready."
DRAFT: Greg Olsen, TE, Bears In Olsen's rookie year he had 39 receptions. Last year in his sophomore season he grabbed 54 balls. In 2007 he totaled 391 receiving yards; in 2008: 574. Olsen's touchdowns also rose from two to five from his first to second season. So expect Olsen's fantasy stats to continue to improve especially now that the Bears will throw more with Jay Cutler in the fold. Just be sure to honor Olsen's 7th Floor Crew roots when you announce your pick: "(Who's your pick?) / G-Reg / (What's he do?) / Plays tight end / (Why'd you do it?) / I feel he's going to have a breakout season and help me win the league with career highs in all major statistical categories." (The rap kind of breaks down at the end there. So if you prefer, feel free to sub in something about busting a nut on a pair of breasts or sticking your dick in someone's ear.)
Despite complaints that having his owner's suite right in the middle of the field will disrupt play, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones says he has no plans to move his luxury suite.
"I built this stadium. So I want the best seat in the house," said Jones. "The players can play around me."
While Jones admitted there would be some issues with any new facility even one with a price tag of $1.2 billion he insisted his sprawling owner's suite across the center of the field is not one of them.
"Leather seating. Marble countertops. Two deluxe bathrooms. Six flat-screen TVs and full-service wait staff?" said Jones. "I fail to see the problem."
Yet there seemed to be some definite issues in the opening game at the new stadium, as players repeatedly crashed into the glass-enclosed structure, injuring themselves. Both teams had difficulty moving the ball past midfield and Jones' personal waitress was killed when she stepped out to get his crab cakes and was run over by Titans linebacker Keith Bulluck as he pursued a ball-carrier up the sidelines.
Tennessee head coach Jeff Fisher says Jones' suite presents some challenges.
"This luxury box is 150-feet wide, so that only leaves five feet of open field on each side along the sidelines," said Fisher. "And their outside linebackers just wait there. So the only other way downfield is to throw over his box, but it's hard to see the receivers because he's got 50 guests in there and TVs and a bar and stuff."
Jones feels teams will adjust.
"How much of a game is played at midfield anyway?" he said. "From what I have watched of football, all of the scoring is done in the end zones. The middle of the field is almost a waste of space. I feel like I am the first owner to utilize that space to its potential."
Our reporter spent the day at Pittsburgh Steelers training camp in Latrobe, Penn. Here are his notes.
> The Steelers are still in search of a short yardage and goal line back. They feel finding one of those will be easier than finding five offensive linemen who can block.
> Steelers special teams coach Bob Ligashesky was a day late for training camp because his airline lost his douche bag. Kicker Jeff Reed was thankfully found several hours later on a flight to Las Vegas.
> Beefy nose tackle Casey Hampton shed 15 pounds during camp while head coach Mike Tomlin dropped 95 pounds thanks to wearing his puffy coat day after day in 90-degree heat. He is expected to be off of life support in the next few days.
> The Steelers say they still see the Ravens as the team to beat in the AFC North. Probably because they beat the Ravens three times last season and the other teams in their division only twice.
> On the day NFL officials stopped by camp to explain the rule changes for this season, the Steelers peppered them with questions. The officials did not have answer for receiver Santonio Holmes question about whether he would be ruled in possession of the ball if he got one foot and his penis down before going out of bounds.
> Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger injured his Achilles on the final day of camp. (To clarify: I mean his literal Achilles; not his figurative Achilles: girls who look like horses.)
With one decrepit farmhand already on the roster, the Vikings moved to double-down today and signed former Texas State quarterback Paul Blake to backup Brett Favre.
“It’s not big secret that we were not happy with Sage Rosenfels, Tarvaris Jackson and John David Booty,” said head coach Brad Childress. “So even with Brett in the fold, we still thought we could improve the position even more and Paul Blake gives us pretty much a carbon copy of Brett. He’s experienced. And very old. And perhaps, coincidentally, he also knows his way around a tractor.”
Blake, now in his early fifties, helped turn around the Texas State Fightin’ Armadillos in 1991 when they were trying to rebuild from a slew of NCAA sanctions. He hadn’t played for years then – and he hasn’t played since. But Childress feels he is a perfect fit in Minnesota.
“If we wanted someone who is young and mobile and still has the arm strength to make the strong, accurate throws required to be successful in the NFL, we wouldn’t have signed Brett,” said Childress. “We think this team needed something different. And if Brett would get hurt, Paul Blake brings those same things.”
Childress says Blake has yet to report to camp.
“I don’t have the heart to break it to coach that Paul Blake isn’t a real person. He’s from a movie,” said running back Adrian Peterson. “Paul Blake is fictional. He is no more real than coach’s idea that Brett Favre is still a great quarterback and a great leader.”
AVOID: Brett Favre, QB, VikingsOkay, so this one may seem fairly obvious. But there is always someone in every fantasy league who doesn't know what they're doing. At all. And maybe that person is you. Every year that person drafts someone who is dead, suspended or out for the season with an injury. Technically, Brett Favre is not any of those three things. He just happens to play like it.
Detroit Lions draft pick Roger Jordan reported for training camp today after a 22-year and 3-month holdout. The Lions first round pick in the 1987 draft said he felt it was time to get on the field.
“Woooh, boy! I’m sore,” said Jordan after his first practice. “I’ll admit – I tried to workout while I was waiting for my contract to be resolved, but I think I’m a little bit out of shape. This 22-year holdout was longer than it felt.”
Jordan felt he had to report to camp after contract negotiations had broken down.
“I had received an offer from them in, oh … I don’t know – I remember ‘The Cosby Show’ was still on at the time,” he said. “So it’s been a couple years, I guess. I also hadn’t heard from my agent in a while about where things stood. Turns out he passed away in 1995.”
Lions general manager Martin Mayhew said he was unaware the team had a holdout from the 1987 draft class, but welcomed Jordan’s arrival.
“We can use all the help we can get,” said Mayhew. “This guy has been out of football for a couple of decades. His hunger must be stronger than ever. Sure, he’s 44 now and a bit flabby and arthritic, but I think he can start for us at several positions right now.”
Jordan said he will gladly accept the team’s most recent offer: 3 years, $240,000. “That’s a lot of money and I can use it,” he said. “I thought I was going to be signed long ago and I’ve been borrowing for years, promising everyone I was good for it because I’d have a big NFL contract soon. And now that day has arrived. Woooo! I’m rich $80,000 a year!”
Fran Tarkenton is not a big Brett Favre fan. The former Vikings quarterback hates him so much he may never wear jeans or mow his lawn again. And he's proud to tell the world.
"I really have no interest in what Brett Favre does. He kind of lost me a few years ago by retiring and unretiring and here and there," Tarkenton said on "The Opening Drive" on Sirius NFL Radio."I asked a few friends here, maybe 10 or 12 people we were out with last night. I said, 'What do you think about Brett Favre going back to the Vikings?' You know who cared? Nobody. It's good news for you guys. It's good news for television and so forth but the last time I heard football was a team sport, isn't it? It's not just about the quarterback."
Next Tarkenton spoke with ESPN's Outside the Lines have responsibilities we're just not athletes that are in it all for ourself, football, is it not a team game? Isn't it all about team and here comes Brett Favre riding in on his white horse, doesn't go to training camp, doesn't come to offseason workouts and he's gonna come on his white horse and bond with all these players."
Wow. Tough words. Tarkenton clearly believes the Favre-Vikings experiment is not going to end well.
But if it would go well? Perhaps even end with a Super Bowl title? Why, that would be INCREDIBLE!
You know, for someone who apparently advocates the live-boiling of kittens, Tarkenton should probably keep his opinions to himself. Even Michael Vick wasn't that depraved.
Our reporter spent the day at Minnesota Vikings training camp in Mankato, Minn. Here are his notes.
> Brett Favre may not know all the Vikings plays yet, but he has had no problem so far adapting them to his style of play. Regardless of the call, he just drops back, runs around in a circle a few times, spots the receiver farthest down the field and then throws the ball as high and as far as he can. And the good news for the Vikings: with Favre's aging eyes and weak, old man arm, he's normally hitting a receiver only 10 to 15 yards downfield just the conservative approach this team needs! Great signing.
> Based on Brad Childress' dishonest handling and undercutting of Tarvaris Jackson, it's obvious he is a racist who hates black people. No, that's not fair. I'm kidding. I can't say that for sure. And don't forget Sage Rosenfels also was handled unfairly. So it's blacks and Jews that Brad Childress hates. That one's a definite. Pass it on.
> First round draft pick Percy Harvin is an explosive wide receiver with a troubled past. But let's cut the kid a break. Consider his life story: He was born in 1988 when Brett Favre was the starting quarterback for Southern Miss, so he has absolutely no recollection of football without Brett Favre. Poor kid. Fking tragic.
> I spotted a luxury bus parked outside the fence at Vikings practice. Beside the cruiser was a large, elderly man peering through the fence and masturbating while Favre went through his reps.
> It's hard not to look at Brett Favre in a Vikings helmet and see the horns as the horns of a demon. Or maybe Satan, Prince of Darkness, himself.
> Vikings owner Zygi Wilf wouldn't tell me what the "W" stands for, but I told him no thanks on the "ILF" part.