Filed Under » NFL

NFL rosters have been cut down to 53 players. Some bigger names didn't make it. I spoke to my sources to find out why.

Jeff Garcia, QB, Raiders — Coaches says Garcia did everything asked of him and provided just the veteran leadership they wanted. He just wasn't a good fit with the team because it turns out many of Oakland's plays have S's in them and Garcia's lisp confused play calls at the line of scrimmage.

Ian Johnson, RB, Vikings — It was a numbers issue with the former Boise State star in Minnesota. There were just too many quality backs already on the roster. But Johnson may have earned himself a spot on the practice squad with a dramatic proposal to head coach Brad Childress.

Carey Davis, FB, Steelers — Davis has been a solid contributor for the Steelers and had a good camp. But Pittsburgh wants to limit distractions this year while trying to repeat. And some coaches worried his first name was a subtle request for more carries.

David Tyree, WR, Giants — Tyree struggled catching the ball in camp and coaches were not open to his idea of wearing helmets on each of his hands.

Alex Smith, TE, Patriots — Alex Smith was hurt again by sharing the same name as that piece of crap 49ers quarterback. He struggles to break through those expectations no matter how well he plays.

Andrew Walter, QB, Patriots — Bill Belichick got a hankering to cut someone and Walter just happened to be nearby at the time.

John David Booty, QB, Vikings — Booty lost his job because some old turdbag simply can't move on with his life.

DRAFT: Matthew Stafford, QB, Lions — The No. 1 overall pick in this year's rookie draft has been named the starting quarterback for the Lions. With no expectations on him this season — and weapons around him like Calvin Johnson and Kevin Smith — Stafford could post solid numbers. Consider him for your backup quarterback position. Consider him even more if you play in a keeper league. If Stafford is available in the mid to late rounds, take him. Remember: fantasy football isn't all about winning; it's about fun, too. And by the mid to late rounds, fantasy drafts begin to wane a bit. If you pick Stafford, not only do you get a potential future quarterback, you get a Detroit Lion. And that's a good 10 to 15 minutes of joke fodder. Funnest. Draft. Ever? Maybe. And it's all thanks to you.

Jagodzinski [jag-o-zin-ski, dum-ass, mor-on]

verb

1. to lose a stable job while carelessly and publicly seeking another job, only to eventually lose the job you moved to, leaving you without any job at all.

Jobless, his life in shambles and with no way to pay his bills, Jeff chided himself for engaging in such careless jagodzinski.

noun

2. any person who engages in jagodzinski.

That guy can't keep a job. He's a total jagodzinski.

Picture: Your typical jagodzinski looks a lot like this guy, complete with that stupid grin and haircut and expanding chin area.

AVOID: Carson Palmer, QB, Bengals— Like a hot dog, Carson Palmer may seem appetizing, but he is tainted by toxic ingredients you should avoid if you are smart.

Consider the similarity between what fills a hot dog and what surrounds Carson Palmer.

Hot dog: leftover scrap meats /Bengals: Cedric Benson

Hot dog: saturated fats /Bengals: Andre Smith

Hot dog: filler /Bengals: Chad Ochocinco

Hot dog: floor scrapings / Bengals: Laveranues Coles

Hot dog: mechanically separated poultry / Bengals: Chris Henry

Hot dog: preservatives / Bengals: Marvin Lewis

Hot dog: unidentifiable /Bengals: Ben Utecht

And even if Carson Palmer wasgood … and even if he wasn't injury prone … and even if he played on a good team … really. That picture. You can't draft him. You just can't. You must question his judgment. If there's one pass on the line with my fantasy season in the balance, I don't want the guy who thought it was a savvy marketing move to fellate a weiner making the decision on where to put the ball.

Despite reports that he sustained a shoulder injury when Albert Haynesworth fell on him, Patriots quarterback Tom Brady insisted today that he has absolutely no pain in his throwing arm.

"Look at my arm. It looks perfect, doesn't it? Almost without flaw," said Brady, pointing to what looked awfully similar to a prosthetic arm connected to his right shoulder. "I have no pain at all. I don't even have nerves. I'm good to go for Week 1."

But Brady refused to say whether he had been outfitted with a prosthetic limb.

"Oh, come on. You know that's not how we work," said the quarterback, laughing. "All those kinds of questions have to go through coach. I'm sure he'll list something on the injury report."

Bill Belichick also denied his star player suffered such a severe injury that his arm had to be amputated.

"He got a little banged up. It's football," said Belichick. "These things happen. I don't know what everyone is freaking out about."

He then chafed at suggestions Brady would take the field with a prosthesis.

"Even if he did, are you saying that would make him somehow less than ideal? Less than perfect?" he said. "I'd like to hear you share that opinion with some of our wounded military men and women."

Even with the insistence that Brady is 100-percent, the Patriots have reportedly been looking to improve their backup options behind him, reaching out to Jeff George and working with MIT scientists to create a football-throwing robot.

And Brady's health is further complicated after he accidentally let his right arm sit on the grill at the team's dining facility today, melting the right hand off.

"What? I meant to do that," he said. "I like the smell of burning flesh when I eat. Burning human flesh. Even though mine sort of smells like plastic."

AVOID: Matt Schaub, QB, Texans— Matt Schaub is surrounded by a ton of weapons in Houston. Andre Johnson, Steve Slaton, Kevin Walter, Owen Daniels. Here's the only problem: Matt Schaub is not very good. Picture Johnson, Slaton, Walter, and Daniels as actual weapons. Awesome weapons. In fact, consider them the Batman suit. Pretty cool, right? Unlimited potential. But all those weapons are useless if you don't have someone who can control them. Now imagine Stephen Hawking as being inside the Batman suit. Useless. Matt Schaub is Stephen Hawking. He'll be able to spin around. He'll probably get off a few shots. He might even get lucky to hit some people with them. But it won't be nearly as good as you'd hope.

DRAFT: Kevin Walter, WR, Texans— While Andre Johnson will draw double teams on the opposite side, and with Steve Slaton drawing attention out of the backfield, Walter will get plenty of opportunities to put up big numbers in Houston's high-octane attack and should easily improve on last season's totals of 60 receptions, 899 yards and and 8 TDs. We're talking numbers akin to the best years of … I don't know — Ed McCaffrey? No. How about Ricky Proehl? No, still not a good comparison. Brandon Stokley maybe? No. Not even close. You know, Walter may force me to break the cardinal rule of sportswriting this year and compare a white receiver to a black guy. Whoa.