Filed Under » NFL

1:00 p.m. ET

Detroit at Chicago (-10)

Congratulations, Chicago — you didn't get the Olympics, but you are getting the Detroit Lions. Not a bad trade really.

My pick: Chicago

Oakland at Houston (-8.5)

Stop staring, JaMarcus Russell. It's rude. Also, the defensive back read your eyes and intercepted your pass a good 30 seconds ago. You have to get off the field. Come on. Play is resuming.

My pick: Houston

Tampa Bay at Washington (-7.5)

What a tough stretch of the schedule for the Redskins. No, not that they've had the Rams, Lions and Buccaneers right in a row. Of course not. That's easy. I mean that their schedule includes the Redskins every week but they are the only team in the league who never gets to play them. That's too bad. Because the Redskins suck most of all. I bet even the Redskins could give him a game. Wait. Now I'm starting to get confused.

My pick: Washington

Seattle at Indianapolis (-10.5)

Matt Hasselbeck is back for the Seahawks this week. Last Sunday he was out with acute not-wanting-to-look-like-a-buffoon-by-wearing-those-ridiculous-jerseys.

My pick: Indianapolis

New York Giants at Kansas City (+8.5)

Every report I've seen this week about the Chiefs trading Tyler Thigpen to the Dolphins says that in return they received "an undisclosed 2010 draft pick." Not true. While the specific pick isn't yet known, the player will be terrible because he will have been drafted by the Chiefs. Steal by the Dolphins.

My pick: New York Giants

Baltimore at New England (-1.5)

This will be an interesting game to gauge two teams I don't think are as good as their records. Although, if they're both not as good as their records, I'm not going to learn anything from this game will I? Oh, well. I guess I'll just watch this game for entertainment purposes and hope they both lose.

My pick: New England

Cincinnati at Cleveland (+6)

The Bengals upset the Steelers last week giving Ben Roethlisberger his first-ever loss in Ohio. Interestingly, the Browns have never won in Ohio. Too bad they're based there.

My pick: Cincinnati

Tennessee at Jacksonville (+3)

Everyone wants to know what's wrong with the Titans. Ooh! Ooh! Ooh-ooh! Pick me! Pick me! Yes, I just wanted to say that they were never all that good in the first place. Okay, thanks for calling on me. Feel free to continue with your lesson.

My pick: Jacksonville (and to win)

4:05 p.m. ET

Buffalo at Miami (+1)

Since Dan Marino retired after the 1999 season, the Dolphins starting quarterbacks have been Jay Fiedler (5 years), A.J. Feeley (1 year), Gus Frerotte (1 year), Joey Harrington (1 year), Cleo Lemon (1 year) and Chad Pennington (1 year). And now it's Chad Henne's job. What does this tell us? That five different quarterbacks have failed to fill Jay Fiedler's shoes. Wow.

My pick: Miami (and to win)

New York Jets at New Orleans (-7)

This trip to New Orleans is going to get a bit awkward when love-struck members of the New York media start asking Rex Ryan to show them his tits.

My pick: New York Jets

Dallas at Denver (+3)

Josh McDaniels has silenced his critics. Apparently his critics weren't smart enough to look at the Broncos' schedule and see that they opened with the Bengals, Browns and Raiders. Do your research, critics!

My pick: Dallas

St. Louis at San Francisco (-9.5)

Before we all jump on San Francisco's bandwagon, let's remember that their quarterback is still Shaun Hill. Plus, this is San Francisco. That's not a bandwagon. It's a Gay Pride float.

My pick: San Francisco

8:20 p.m. ET

San Diego at Pittsburgh (-6.5)

In the past week, Steelers 2008 2nd Round draft pick Limas Sweed dropped a game-winning touchdown pass and was benched. And 2008 1st Round draft pick Rashard Mendenhall was benched for not knowing any plays or his assignments. This is part of the reason why players love playing for Mike Tomlin so much. None of his crappy draft picks will ever take your job.

My pick: San Diego

Monday night

Green Bay at Minnesota (-3)

We are the person in the wood chipper. Brett Favre is the tall guy. And Aaron Rodgers can be Frances McDormand.

Discuss.

My pick: Minnesota

Byes: Arizona, Philadelphia, Atlanta, Carolina

I don't know what caused this bull to try to kill Junior Seau.

Maybe he doesn't like the Patriots. Understandable.

Maybe he doesn't like players who can't stay retired. Also understandable. (Although I'd prefer Brett Favre be the target of a nice goring over Seau.)

Or maybe he just hates extremely dated hairstyles. Also understandable.

And if that's the case, Derek Jeter should be taking a horn through the torso any day now. (Don't get excited, A-Rod. A fade with frosted tips isn't exactly the most current 'do either. You've got a goring coming, too.)

From SportsPickle's wire services.

Terrell Owens, dickhead extraordinaire, feels like he's being provoked.

The washed-up Buffalo wide receiver,a day after offering mostly terse answers to probing, insightful and respectful questions posed by renowned sporting journalists following the Bills' 27-7 loss to the New Orleans Saints, told the "Two Live Stews" on Sporting News Radio that the media is trying to get him to stir things up in Buffalo, as he did in Dallas and Philadelphia.

"It really just shows you the angle that the media has taken all these years," Owens said stupidly during the interview, unable to get on a better show than something on Sporting News Radio. "OnSunday, as you saw, the media took the initiative to try to get me to kind of go down the wrong path. I know the last two teams that I've been on, I felt like I left those teams prematurely due to media interviews that I've done and things kind of taken out of context and they created sort of a media whirlwind in the locker room and things kind of went downhill from there. I'm just trying to do the best job I can do as far as answering the questions and trying to be a better teammate and not try to throw people under the bus."

Owens went on and on from there — blah, blah, blah, blah — but it was pretty boring and self-serving, which is not at all surprising coming from this ass. Plus, if he wasn't going to speak ill of his teammates, why listen to him?

During his news conference on Sunday after the Bills loss — in which his streak of 185 consecutive games with a reception was snapped (Ha-ha!) — Owens was repeatedly asked about his lack of involvement in the team's offense.

"Just going with the plays that are called," Owens unfortunately replied repeatedly to those questions. "Whether I like them or don't, I'm just going with the plays that are called."

He admitted some frustration with the lack of pass attempts downfield but he sidestepped a question about whether the Bills and quarterback Trent Edwards is looking enough to the team's top receivers, making us wonder why we are sending a bunch of reporters up to the hellhole of Buffalo if this guy isn't going to say stuff that will make headlines.

"No, I don't want to answer that," Owens said Sunday. "I don't want to answer that, because whatever I say you guys are going to turn it to however you want to say it."

What a queer.

Associated Press reporters Matthew Carlyle, Bob Tefford and Marsha Lynch contributed to this report, and all of them agree that Terrell Owens is a total pussy who isn't man enough to say what's really on his mind. Prove us wrong, Terrell. The ball is in your court. (Don't drop it like you normally do, loser! HA!)

ADD: Vernon Davis, TE, 49ers — Davis was viewed as a bit of a project when San Francisco selected him with the No. 6 overall pick in the 2006 NFL Draft. It appears that project may finally be nearing completion. Davis, now a team captain on the 49ers, had 7 catches for 96 yards and 2 TDs Sunday against the Vikings. Pick him up now before numbers like that become the norm.I have a feeling Vernon Davis is about to explode.

While before he only got two-second cameos in videos by the likes of Ron Artest. (Fast-forward to 1:25. And don't blink) …

… soon he may earn himself three or even four-second cameos in the videos of more accomplished rappers. Like, say … Shaquille O'Neal.

Or, who knows, maybe Ron Artest will devote an entire song to him, a la his ode to Michael Jackson:

Vernon, Vernon, Vernon you my fantasy tight end

They running you on a fly

Vernon I know that you'll catch it, know that you'll score it

I try to win. I try to win, I try to win, I try to win.

Every center in football has one job: snap the ball cleanly to his quarterback and then pick up his blocking assignment. But Carolina Panthers center Ryan Kalil says he has decided he has a more important role on the team.

"I am the only one who can keep the ball out of Jake Delhomme's hands," says Kalil. "And if we can keep the ball out of Jake Delhomme's hands, this team can be successful."

Delhomme had six turnovers in Carolina's home playoff loss last January to the Arizona Cardinals. He then turned the ball over five more times in Carolina's opener this season — and has had three more interceptions in two additional losses as Carolina has fallen to 0-3.

"Maybe they're not all Jake's fault," said Kalil. "But all I know is that I snap the ball to him, block for a second or two, look up and the other team has the ball. I mean, there's a pretty consistent element to all of these turnovers: me giving the ball to Jake Delhomme."

And it's a fact that has been tearing Kalil apart inside.

"I know people who have struggled with addiction," he says. "More often than not, they got to where they are because someone along the way enabled them. I am enabling Jake by snapping him the ball. If I stop doing that, he can get better. And we can win again. I am glad I have finally come to this realization. The power is in my hands."

While it will be on Kalil to follow through on his pledge to keep the ball away from his quarterback, he says he has a full network of support to fall back on.

"Other guys on the teams have been encouraging me to do this for weeks," he says. "Years even, when it comes to Steve Smith."

Head coach John Fox is also on-board with the plan, and thinks it will have positive results.

"Sure, we are going to get constant delay of game penalties," he said. "And that's not ideal. But I'll take being backed way up on my own side of the field over throwing interceptions that are returned for six points. I'll choose that every day. It's not even a hard decision."

Hi, this is Brady Quinn, quarterback for the Cleveland Browns. But you may know me better from Notre Dame, or from my Subway or EAS commercials.

Either way, you know me … and that means you know my muscles, too. They're huge. And you don't get muscles this big without working out. Hard.

Today's workout? The bench.

Follow these tips and soon enough you'll be as good on the bench as I am.

5 BENCH TIPS — by Brady Quinn

Step 1 — Stretch!

Stretching is an important part of any workout. I like to play two quarters of a football game to stretch. Sometimes I play more, but usually I am pulled after two quarters and sent to the bench.

Step 2 — Work those biceps and triceps!

The Cleveland Browns are not much of a team. Most of us hate each other. We fight all the time. Constant losing does that to a team, you know? So when I get sent to the bench, my teammates usually mock me with stuff like: "Hey, Brady, which way to the bench?" My response? "The bench is thattaway!" When delivering the line, start with a strong bicep curl and then extend the arm to point to the bench, working your triceps.

Step 3 — Blast your quads!

Now it's time to sit on the bench. Spread your legs about shoulder-width apart and sit back and down onto the bench. Recline slowly to really burn your quads, as this will be only one repetition — you'll be here on the bench the rest of the day, unfortunately.

Step 4 — Focus on your core!

Strong core muscles are the key to any fit body. Once you are sitting on the bench, you'll want to lean forward and and put your head in your hands to show your disappointment about sucking. Make sure to contract your abs when doing this. Then, after a few minutes, sit back up straight. Contract your lower back muscles to do this move. Next, just wait a minute or two for your teammates to do something embarrassing on the field and contract those abs again down to shamed head-holding. You will do this move an indefinite amount of times each game. You'll have a six-pack by midseason!

Step 5 — Don't forget cardio!

Too many bodybuilders forget about cardio. Not only is cardio good for your health and your heart, it's imperative to getting really cut. I do my cardio at the end of my bench workout. You should do the same. If the game is over, it's time to get up off the bench and run into the locker room. Need extra motivation to hit top speed? Listen to the crowd.

"You suck, Brady!"

"I hate you, Browns! I hate you with all my heart!"

"You look like a horse, Quinn!"

Run! Run! Run away from these mean people!

We all know the scores. But who really won and lost this week?

Winners

1. Joe Namath - Mark Sanchez keeps getting compared to you. Here's the only thing: Mark Sanchez appears to be good, whereas you pretty much sucked except for that one year you got drunk and guaranteed a Super Bowl victory. Look at your career win-loss record: 62-63-4. Career completion percentage: 50.1. Career touchdowns to interceptions: 173 to 220. If Mark Sanchez truly is the "next Joe Namath," as everyone is saying, the Jets should just go ahead and cut him now. Or, Joe Namath, you could keep encouraging this comparison, because you're the one benefitting from it. No crap quarterback has had his legacy edited so greatly since Olivia Manning squeezed out a couple of misproportioned Super Bowl-winning quarterbacks.

2. Tampa Bay Buccaneers- After scoring on a six-yard run in the first quarter against the Buccaneers, Giants RB Brandon Jacobs pointed at the Tampa Bay sideline and then simulated having sex with the ball. I don't know if any of the Tampa Bay players are gay, but it's still probably flattering to know that Brandon Jacobs wants to do it with them.

3. Terrell Owens — No catches for the first time in 185 games. Who cares. When you respond to Rodney Harrison criticizing you on NBC by calling him out for being a 'roid head, you are a winner.

4. Jim Zorn - He lost to the Lions. So what? He's going to get fired. So what? Jim Zorn has become immortal. ZORN is the new ZING, at least when it comes to football. Want to deliver a one-liner about your friend's favorite team? Emphasize it with a ZORN! "Hey, Jeff, Cedric Benson barreled through there like a runaway boat. ZORN!" Vince Lombardi won't live on like this. ZORN makes people laugh. You yell out LOMBARDI and people are going to think you want them to run laps. Advantage: Jim Zorn.

5. Detroit Lions fans — Look who was kind enough to sign autographs before the game! Why, it's Mr. Tom Cruise! A real celebrity! In Detroit! Not like one of those fake non-celebrities like Kid Rock. Pretty cool. Here he is writing to the kid in the Lions jersey: "Kid, I don't believe in mental illnesses. So what's with willfully wearing a Lions jersey? Not that Morgan Freeman over here in the Redskins jersey is any better. You need to cleanse your phaeton. — Weirdly, Tom Cruise."

Losers

1. Poor people — Ha-ha, poor people, you still are — and remain — LOSERS! Especially those of you in poverty in Detroit. Your football team won its first game since 2007 and did you see it? NO! YOU DIDN'T! Why? Because the game was blacked-out on television in Detroit because you didn't sell out the game. Why are you, the unemployed people of Detroit, not buying $100 tickets to watch an NFL team with a 19-game losing streak??? What is wrong with you people? Do you not know that Roger Goodell is trying to motivate you to stop being so poor! Pull yourselves up by your bootstraps! Or sell your bootstraps to get money for a ticket! What is wrong with you people???? I'll tell you what's wrong with you: you're POOR. And that makes you a LOSER!

2. Cleveland Browns — Only one offensive touchdown in the past nine games. That is almost impossible to comprehend. And thanks to his benching yesterday, the Brady Quinn Era appears to be over in Cleveland. Please pop your collars at half mast in memoriam.

3. Buffalo Bills — Congrats, thanks to a 25-yard touchdown pass in the second quarter that knotted the game with the Saints at 7-7, it appears you have finally found your quarterback of the future. Unfortunately, it was your punter who threw the pass. Still, though: best option.

4. Brett Favre — Good pass. Too bad everyone still hates you.

5. Seattle Seahawks — Nice costumes. No wonder the Northwest is full of so many crackpots. I'd want to join a militia and shoot the people responsible for this, too.