Picture Patten Butts
Save it for the locker room, boys.
Picture Fan Sign Spelling Fail
It's a shame New York lost to New Orlands.
Cleveland Browns quarterback Brady Quinn made a bold promise today – and one many think he may not be able to keep – when he promised little William Tyler, a 6-year-old Browns fan suffering from terminal cancer, that he will throw the boy one completion in his next game.
“William asked Brady to throw him five touchdowns and Brady said, ‘I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can do that for you, little boy,’” said Tara Guzman, Tyler’s nurse. “So then William asked him for one touchdown and Brady kind of hemmed on that one, too. So they went back and forth on stuff like that for a while before Brady finally agreed to try to throw him one single completion. I think it was a fair compromise.”
The little boy says he hopes Quinn comes through on his promise.
“My daddy says that all the Browns need to win is for Brady to not completely f—k it all up and lose the game all by himself,” said William. “And, yeah, my parents say I’m allowed to say bad words like ‘f—k’ if I want to because I’m dying. So hopefully he can complete just one pass for me and the Browns will win a game. I just hope he knows I meant that he has to complete a pass to another Browns player, not the other team.”
Quinn says he is not the one to make brash predictions, but admits he is feeling pretty confident heading into the game.
“I feel like I played well in practice and, at the very least, I feel like I won't play worse than Derek Anderson," said Quinn. “So, yeah, I think I can throw a completion, and who knows – I could go off, get a few breaks and maybe even have two or three. I don’t to limit myself and put a cap on it.”
No matter what the outcome on the scoreboard is, though, little William’s father is hoping against hope that Quinn comes through for his son with the promised completion.
“Brady is William’s favorite player, so this would mean a lot to him and put a smile on his face if it happens,” said Greg Tyler, the stricken boy’s father. “Although I find it kind of depressing that Brady Quinn is his favorite player. It makes me think he hates himself for having cancer and has completely given up on life.”
1. Super Bowl XLIII.5 Patriots-Colts was entertaining. But I wasn't impressed by the stuff outside of the game. The Super Bowl ads, for example. In fact, I don't think I saw a single new commercial. Guess it's the economy. But even though it's old, I do always get a good laugh at the "Unstoppable Eli Manning is" commercial for Citizen. Hilarious. Maybe the funniest Super Bowl ad ever. In addition to the ads, the halftime show sucked, too. Olbermann & Patrick? Ugh. Such a lame group. I think they have an even older target audience than the Rolling Stones and Bruce Springsteen.
2. Bud Adams The 86-year-old owner of the Titans decided it would be fun to give the finger to the Bills over and over after Tennessee won 41-17 on Sunday. I hope when I'm 86 I still have enough spunk to give the Bills the finger. But I fear I'll only have the energy to give good teams the finger.
3. Joey Porter Tony Sparano made him inactive for Sunday's game. That means Porter had all Sunday to work on his abs instead of playing stupid football. Can you imagine how intimidating his abs will be this Sunday during his pre-game preening? Miami's opponent will be super intimidated. Maybe Sparano is the true coaching genius in the AFC East.
4. Jack Del Rio The Jaguars beat the Jets on the road to stay in the wild card picture. And according to CBS announcers, Del Rio and Jets head coach Rex Ryan used to workout together when they were on the Ravens' staff. I suppose Del Rio took the role of the guy working out, and Ryan was the weight being lifted. Smart move by Del Rio. Because if you take the other role, you end up looking like an out-of-shape fatass like Rex Ryan.
5. veterans The NFL honored veterans across the league with pre-game ceremonies. And then, to top it off, Kellen Winslow, Jr. went for 102 yards on seven catches.
1. Bill Belichick I haven't seen coaching that bad since since I'm going to go with since that piece of crap the Browns had in the early '90s. You know, in the past, many have used the phrase "cheaters never win" when it comes to Belichick. But I think we now have to update that to "cheaters never win; also: morons never win."
2. this NBC cameraman
And I mean because the poor guy has to do close-ups of Andrea Kremer for a living. But also because he got shoved to the ground.
3. Bengals Nation I was at Heinz Field on Sunday for the Steelers-Bengals game. There were maybe maybe 150 people in the whole stadium wearing Bengals gear. Bengals Nation is the Luxembourg of sports fan nations. If Luxembourg had uglier colors. And was a little smaller.
4. Mrs. Roger Goodell The NFL commissioner attended yesterday Bills-Titans game in Tennessee. Why? I have no idea. Maybe he had a hankering for contraction. But during the game, Goodell or @nflcommish on Twitter tweeted that he was at the game. So a Titans fan a female Titans fan named Lisa Hayes (@lisahayes4) invited Goodell to sit with her via Twitter. He accepted. And it seems they hit it off quite well. I wonder how Goodell's wife, Jane Skinner of Fox News, feels about her husband accepting a proposition via Twitter from a woman.
Oh, Roger's stimulus plan passed, Jane. I reported it. Now you decide how to deal with it.
Maybe it's time to woo Roger back with some more dirty talk.
5. Bill Belichick He deserves more than one mention here. He was that bad. And you might think: "Sure. Take the easy way out. How uncreative. List the same guy twice." Maybe you're right. This isn't creative. It's not risky. You could say I even punted here. But that makes me smarter than supposed super genius Bill Belichick.
“A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! You should see the look on all of your faces right now,” said Bill Belichick in the Patriots post-game locker room. “Hilarious. Absolutely hilarious. ‘Oh, whoa is us. We lost. We were up 17 points in the fourth quarter to our rivals. Boo-hoo. Boo-hoo’ Ha! Losers. Outstanding. Here’s what you learned tonight: I made you. I f—king made you pathetic pieces of crap. And I can destroy you, too. And that’s exactly what I did tonight. Suck it. Suck. It.”
And with that post-game debriefing, every Patriots player learned the stunning truth: Bill Belichick had purposely sabotaged the end of the Patriots-Colts game in order to crush the spirit of his team for his own personal amusement.
“I have to get a picture of this. It’s just too sweet,” said Belichick, taking out a camera. “Come on. Everyone gather together for a team photo. Anyone who is crying get in the middle. Brady? Tommy Brady? Get in there. Someone get Brady up from in front of his locker and get him in the picture. I want that dandy to be front and center. Maybe I can sell it for the cover of a fashion magazine for losers. Oh, man. Yeah. This is great. I’m blowing this up and putting it on the wall in my office. Fourth-and-two on the 28 and we go for it! So awesome.”
After the team photo, several shocked players asked Belichick if he was just kidding. If the whole thing was an attempt, perhaps misguided, to lighten the mood in the crushed Patriots locker room.
“Kidding? Ha! Absolutely not,” he said. “No way. I made you guys lose. You were like puppets on a string out there. You really think that up by six with two minutes to go in the game I'd risk just giving the other team the ball on the 28? Only a moron would do that. Or an insane person. Or an insane moron.I mean, jeez – none of you retards got a little suspicious when I sent the play in? Really? After all this time, you really think I’m that stupid? It seemed so obvious to me. You losers are more gullible than that the ginger balls Roger Goodell.”
With those players who weren’t already crying now wailing over the betrayal by their own coach, Belichick gleefully turned the knife.
“Oh, and enjoy those three Super Bowl rings from earlier this decade while you can,” he cackled, holding his sides in laughter. “Because you won’t have them much longer. I cheated in those Super Bowls. Big time. And it’s all going to come out. Because I'm going to spill the beans on everything. That’s right – everything you have all accomplished in your careers is a sham. Everything you have worked for, sweated for, bled for … is a lie. Isn’t it hilarious?! A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh, man. I’m laughing so hard I just spit up in my mouth. I mean, Brady – did you really think you were good enough to win three Super Bowls? Really? Come on, guy. You were a sixth round draft pick, you homo. You weren't even good at Michigan. Yet all of a sudden you’re unstoppable? Nothing seemed suspicious to you? What kind of fantasy world do you live in, goat boy?”
Belichick then warned his team that none of his words were to leave the locker room.
"If anyone speaks of this, you're cut and I'll trash your name all around the league so you never get another job," he said, laughing uproariously. "Oh, man. I love my job, you stupid idiots."
Chicago at San Francisco (-3)
Oh, you think this Vernon Davis and Michael Crabtree-inspired shirt is funny, 49ers fans? Well, it's not, okay? Some people actually have VD and crabs. And you're cruel joke makes them sad. Knock it off.
My pick: San Francisco
1:00 p.m. ET
Buffalo at Tennessee (-7)
The Titans are hot! Unfortunately, they started 0-6. So they're basically like sewage treatment plant that caught fire.
My pick: Buffalo
New Orleans at St. Louis (+13.5)
Some people are warning the Saints against overlooking the Rams. I'd be more worried if they were taking the Rams seriously. That would show a major lack of confidence. Legitimate Super Bowl contenders know they can just show up and kill the Rams.
My pick: New Orleans
Tampa Bay at Miami (-10)
The Buccaneers last three games have been in London, Tampa and Miami. Which one of these is not like the other? Ohhhhhh you were thinking I was saying that Tampa is a dump compared to those other two international destinations. Huh. I hadn't thought of it that way. Good point. But, no, I was just alluding to the fact that they actually won one of the games.
My pick: Miami
Detroit at Minnesota (-16.5)
People want to talk about how the Brett Favre thing has been so hard on Aaron Rodger and the Packers. But what about the Lions? Favre was gone and then he came back. It's like being in your 40s and then having the bully who tormented you back in grade school show up and your door and give you a wedgie.
My pick: Minnesota
Jacksonville at New York Jets (-7)
With the Jets now 4-4, kicker Jay Feely seems to have switched his focus from football to more pressing issues. Yes, this week on his Twitter page, noted intellectual @jayfeely railed against the horrors of the war on Christmas. But I understand why he has already turned his thoughts to the holiday season and this country's hundreds of millions of persecuted celebrants. His head coach pretty much looks like shaved Santa. (I didn't expect that to sound so dirty. Sorry.)
My pick: Jacksonville
Cincinnati at Pittsburgh (-7)
I'm going to be at this game. So if CBS scans the crowd showing celebrities, look for me. Maybe I'll be sitting near one of them. (Ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod! That would be soooo cool! Maybe it will be someone super-famous like from NCIS!)
My pick: Pittsburgh
Denver at Washington (+3.5)
Have Josh McDaniels and Kyle Orton been exposed? Does the emperor have no neck-beard?
My pick: Washington
Atlanta at Carolina (+1.5)
In the last two weeks, the Delhomme Virus has infected both Kurt Warner and Drew Brees, who played poorly against the Panthers. This week Matt Ryan comes into Delhomme's infected space. I fear for him. The Delhomme Virus is especially hard on the young.
My pick: Atlanta
4:05 p.m. ET
Kansas City at Oakland (-2)
Poor Matt Cassel and JaMarcus Russell. Now that Jay Cutler is out of the AFC West, they're the worst quarterbacks in the division.
My pick: Oakland
4:15 p.m. ET
Dallas at Green Bay (+3)
The Packers were 6-10 last year. But then they had a 3-1 preseason and seemed to score at ease. So tons of experts picked them to be awesome this year. I mean, not as awesome as the 4-0 Detroit Lions of 2008. But awesome nonetheless. Well done, as always, experts.
My pick: Dallas
Seattle at Arizona (-8.5)
It's time to blow up the Seahawks. They're old and they're bad. My only concern is that in blowing them up, some radiation could be leaked into the atmosphere due to their uniforms.
My pick: Arizona
Philadelphia at San Diego (-1)
Andy Reid vs. Norv Turner. Wow. A chess game. Only Reid will forget to hit the timer between each of his moves and Turner will think he's playing checkers.
My pick: Philadelphia (and to win)
8:20 p.m. ET
New England at Indianapolis (-3)
Can Tom Brady ever beat Peyton Manning again? The Colts really have his number.
My pick: New England (and to win)
Baltimore at Cleveland (+10.5)
I keep seeing reports that Brady Quinn is starting at quarterback this week for the Browns. I'm pretty sure that's wrong. I've watched Browns games. I don't think they have a position that could be described as quarterback.
My pick: Baltimore***
A key running play in the Houston Texans’ loss to the Indianapolis Colts last Sunday died in the team’s running back committee, sources say. The long-awaited debut of “20 Stretch Right,” a proposed run by tailback Steve Slaton, never came to fruition due to fierce subcommittee debate.
Despite eleventh-hour attempts at a compromise to get a play in front of quarterback Matt Schaub before the play clock wound down, the team’s Committee on Running Backs could not reach an agreement. Given this inter-committee bickering, Schaub had no choice but to audible the once-promising running play into a pass, which fell incomplete when the QB overthrew wideout Andre Johnson.
The original play, which called for second-year running back Steve Slaton to run a stretch, forced the team’s running back committee to divide along partisan lines. Slaton and veteran tailback Chris Brown supported the call, while the rest of the RB committee called it “a wasteful use of our constituents’ hard-earned plays.”
The strongest opposition to the play came from recently promoted starter Ryan Moats, who explained, “I felt that I owed it to myself, my constituency, and my fantasy owners not to simply allow that play to transpire in the hands of a fumble-prone back. I got this job by promising a sure-handed change from the fumbling status quo around here, so I couldn’t let things go back to business as usual.”
Cynics noted, though, that for all his high-minded rhetoric, Moats crushed a later Texans drive with a goal-line fumble in his first game as a starter.
“Typical sleazy running back. Lures you in with promises of reform, but he’s just as bad as the rest of them,” disenchanted defensive tackle Amobi Okoye lamented.
Despite these political struggles, for a brief moment it looked as if fullback Vonta Leach might save the play when he proposed a flea-flicker amendment, but the rest of the committee shouted down the suggestion as mere “pork to endear himself to Schaub.”
Although Leach pushed hard for the amendment, no committee member would second Leach’s motion to vote, so the flea-flicker proposal fizzled. Leach accepted that any further pressing for a vote on his part might lead to a point of order being raised.
“Look, I want to get a first down as much as anyone on this team,” Leach said, “But if our committee has to break with proper parliamentary procedure to get one, I’m not sure it’s worth it.”
Other proposed amendments might have helped the play get out of committee but surely would have prompted QB Schaub to exercise his veto power.
“Frankly, I love Slaton’s ability as a football player, but there’s no way I would have approved a halfback pass on third-and-two from our own 30-yard line,” Schaub later confirmed.
Pundits suggested that a few members of the committee were actually personally in favor of running 20 Stretch Right but had been corrupted by lobbying from the team’s receiving corps.
“I don’t want to make any accusations,” an oboe-playing guard who asked to remain anonymous explained. “I’m pretty sure I saw (wide receiver Kevin) Walter put a sack of money in Moats’ locker on Sunday morning, though.”
When asked to comment on the Texans’ difficulty in choosing a running play, opposing quarterback Peyton Manning confidently responded, “See? Our efficient QB-led dictatorship doesn’t look so bad now, does it?”