“A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! You should see the look on all of your faces right now,” said Bill Belichick in the Patriots post-game locker room. “Hilarious. Absolutely hilarious. ‘Oh, whoa is us. We lost. We were up 17 points in the fourth quarter to our rivals. Boo-hoo. Boo-hoo’ Ha! Losers. Outstanding. Here’s what you learned tonight: I made you. I f—king made you pathetic pieces of crap. And I can destroy you, too. And that’s exactly what I did tonight. Suck it. Suck. It.”
And with that post-game debriefing, every Patriots player learned the stunning truth: Bill Belichick had purposely sabotaged the end of the Patriots-Colts game in order to crush the spirit of his team for his own personal amusement.
“I have to get a picture of this. It’s just too sweet,” said Belichick, taking out a camera. “Come on. Everyone gather together for a team photo. Anyone who is crying get in the middle. Brady? Tommy Brady? Get in there. Someone get Brady up from in front of his locker and get him in the picture. I want that dandy to be front and center. Maybe I can sell it for the cover of a fashion magazine for losers. Oh, man. Yeah. This is great. I’m blowing this up and putting it on the wall in my office. Fourth-and-two on the 28 and we go for it! So awesome.”
After the team photo, several shocked players asked Belichick if he was just kidding. If the whole thing was an attempt, perhaps misguided, to lighten the mood in the crushed Patriots locker room.
“Kidding? Ha! Absolutely not,” he said. “No way. I made you guys lose. You were like puppets on a string out there. You really think that up by six with two minutes to go in the game I'd risk just giving the other team the ball on the 28? Only a moron would do that. Or an insane person. Or an insane moron.I mean, jeez – none of you retards got a little suspicious when I sent the play in? Really? After all this time, you really think I’m that stupid? It seemed so obvious to me. You losers are more gullible than that the ginger balls Roger Goodell.”
With those players who weren’t already crying now wailing over the betrayal by their own coach, Belichick gleefully turned the knife.
“Oh, and enjoy those three Super Bowl rings from earlier this decade while you can,” he cackled, holding his sides in laughter. “Because you won’t have them much longer. I cheated in those Super Bowls. Big time. And it’s all going to come out. Because I'm going to spill the beans on everything. That’s right – everything you have all accomplished in your careers is a sham. Everything you have worked for, sweated for, bled for … is a lie. Isn’t it hilarious?! A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh, man. I’m laughing so hard I just spit up in my mouth. I mean, Brady – did you really think you were good enough to win three Super Bowls? Really? Come on, guy. You were a sixth round draft pick, you homo. You weren't even good at Michigan. Yet all of a sudden you’re unstoppable? Nothing seemed suspicious to you? What kind of fantasy world do you live in, goat boy?”
Belichick then warned his team that none of his words were to leave the locker room.
"If anyone speaks of this, you're cut and I'll trash your name all around the league so you never get another job," he said, laughing uproariously. "Oh, man. I love my job, you stupid idiots."
Chicago at San Francisco (-3)
Oh, you think this Vernon Davis and Michael Crabtree-inspired shirt is funny, 49ers fans? Well, it's not, okay? Some people actually have VD and crabs. And you're cruel joke makes them sad. Knock it off.
My pick: San Francisco
1:00 p.m. ET
Buffalo at Tennessee (-7)
The Titans are hot! Unfortunately, they started 0-6. So they're basically like sewage treatment plant that caught fire.
My pick: Buffalo
New Orleans at St. Louis (+13.5)
Some people are warning the Saints against overlooking the Rams. I'd be more worried if they were taking the Rams seriously. That would show a major lack of confidence. Legitimate Super Bowl contenders know they can just show up and kill the Rams.
My pick: New Orleans
Tampa Bay at Miami (-10)
The Buccaneers last three games have been in London, Tampa and Miami. Which one of these is not like the other? Ohhhhhh you were thinking I was saying that Tampa is a dump compared to those other two international destinations. Huh. I hadn't thought of it that way. Good point. But, no, I was just alluding to the fact that they actually won one of the games.
My pick: Miami
Detroit at Minnesota (-16.5)
People want to talk about how the Brett Favre thing has been so hard on Aaron Rodger and the Packers. But what about the Lions? Favre was gone and then he came back. It's like being in your 40s and then having the bully who tormented you back in grade school show up and your door and give you a wedgie.
My pick: Minnesota
Jacksonville at New York Jets (-7)
With the Jets now 4-4, kicker Jay Feely seems to have switched his focus from football to more pressing issues. Yes, this week on his Twitter page, noted intellectual @jayfeely railed against the horrors of the war on Christmas. But I understand why he has already turned his thoughts to the holiday season and this country's hundreds of millions of persecuted celebrants. His head coach pretty much looks like shaved Santa. (I didn't expect that to sound so dirty. Sorry.)
My pick: Jacksonville
Cincinnati at Pittsburgh (-7)
I'm going to be at this game. So if CBS scans the crowd showing celebrities, look for me. Maybe I'll be sitting near one of them. (Ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod! That would be soooo cool! Maybe it will be someone super-famous like from NCIS!)
My pick: Pittsburgh
Denver at Washington (+3.5)
Have Josh McDaniels and Kyle Orton been exposed? Does the emperor have no neck-beard?
My pick: Washington
Atlanta at Carolina (+1.5)
In the last two weeks, the Delhomme Virus has infected both Kurt Warner and Drew Brees, who played poorly against the Panthers. This week Matt Ryan comes into Delhomme's infected space. I fear for him. The Delhomme Virus is especially hard on the young.
My pick: Atlanta
4:05 p.m. ET
Kansas City at Oakland (-2)
Poor Matt Cassel and JaMarcus Russell. Now that Jay Cutler is out of the AFC West, they're the worst quarterbacks in the division.
My pick: Oakland
4:15 p.m. ET
Dallas at Green Bay (+3)
The Packers were 6-10 last year. But then they had a 3-1 preseason and seemed to score at ease. So tons of experts picked them to be awesome this year. I mean, not as awesome as the 4-0 Detroit Lions of 2008. But awesome nonetheless. Well done, as always, experts.
My pick: Dallas
Seattle at Arizona (-8.5)
It's time to blow up the Seahawks. They're old and they're bad. My only concern is that in blowing them up, some radiation could be leaked into the atmosphere due to their uniforms.
My pick: Arizona
Philadelphia at San Diego (-1)
Andy Reid vs. Norv Turner. Wow. A chess game. Only Reid will forget to hit the timer between each of his moves and Turner will think he's playing checkers.
My pick: Philadelphia (and to win)
8:20 p.m. ET
New England at Indianapolis (-3)
Can Tom Brady ever beat Peyton Manning again? The Colts really have his number.
My pick: New England (and to win)
Baltimore at Cleveland (+10.5)
I keep seeing reports that Brady Quinn is starting at quarterback this week for the Browns. I'm pretty sure that's wrong. I've watched Browns games. I don't think they have a position that could be described as quarterback.
My pick: Baltimore***
A key running play in the Houston Texans’ loss to the Indianapolis Colts last Sunday died in the team’s running back committee, sources say. The long-awaited debut of “20 Stretch Right,” a proposed run by tailback Steve Slaton, never came to fruition due to fierce subcommittee debate.
Despite eleventh-hour attempts at a compromise to get a play in front of quarterback Matt Schaub before the play clock wound down, the team’s Committee on Running Backs could not reach an agreement. Given this inter-committee bickering, Schaub had no choice but to audible the once-promising running play into a pass, which fell incomplete when the QB overthrew wideout Andre Johnson.
The original play, which called for second-year running back Steve Slaton to run a stretch, forced the team’s running back committee to divide along partisan lines. Slaton and veteran tailback Chris Brown supported the call, while the rest of the RB committee called it “a wasteful use of our constituents’ hard-earned plays.”
The strongest opposition to the play came from recently promoted starter Ryan Moats, who explained, “I felt that I owed it to myself, my constituency, and my fantasy owners not to simply allow that play to transpire in the hands of a fumble-prone back. I got this job by promising a sure-handed change from the fumbling status quo around here, so I couldn’t let things go back to business as usual.”
Cynics noted, though, that for all his high-minded rhetoric, Moats crushed a later Texans drive with a goal-line fumble in his first game as a starter.
“Typical sleazy running back. Lures you in with promises of reform, but he’s just as bad as the rest of them,” disenchanted defensive tackle Amobi Okoye lamented.
Despite these political struggles, for a brief moment it looked as if fullback Vonta Leach might save the play when he proposed a flea-flicker amendment, but the rest of the committee shouted down the suggestion as mere “pork to endear himself to Schaub.”
Although Leach pushed hard for the amendment, no committee member would second Leach’s motion to vote, so the flea-flicker proposal fizzled. Leach accepted that any further pressing for a vote on his part might lead to a point of order being raised.
“Look, I want to get a first down as much as anyone on this team,” Leach said, “But if our committee has to break with proper parliamentary procedure to get one, I’m not sure it’s worth it.”
Other proposed amendments might have helped the play get out of committee but surely would have prompted QB Schaub to exercise his veto power.
“Frankly, I love Slaton’s ability as a football player, but there’s no way I would have approved a halfback pass on third-and-two from our own 30-yard line,” Schaub later confirmed.
Pundits suggested that a few members of the committee were actually personally in favor of running 20 Stretch Right but had been corrupted by lobbying from the team’s receiving corps.
“I don’t want to make any accusations,” an oboe-playing guard who asked to remain anonymous explained. “I’m pretty sure I saw (wide receiver Kevin) Walter put a sack of money in Moats’ locker on Sunday morning, though.”
When asked to comment on the Texans’ difficulty in choosing a running play, opposing quarterback Peyton Manning confidently responded, “See? Our efficient QB-led dictatorship doesn’t look so bad now, does it?”
Men and women of the military, thank you for your service to all of us. Sincerely.
Even to those of us who are morons. Also sincerely. Or not. Yeah, probably not.
Lt. Winslow, U.S. Douche Corps.
AVOID: Chris Chambers, WR, Chiefs Last monday Chris Chambers was released by the Chargers. Tuesday he was claimed by the Chiefs. And then on Sunday he caught two touchdown passes in Kansas City's loss to the Jaguars. Quite a week.
Can we expect more of this from Chris Chambers? Despite his sub-par numbers over a now 9-year NFL career, Chambers has long tempted fantasy football owners. Consider his Fantasy Files commercial:
Whoops. I'm sorry. Wrong video. That was footage from the future showing how many catches Chambers will have the rest of this season.
Back in October we all learned about the Lebron James corn maze at Little Darby Creek Farm in Milford Center, Ohio. By mowing "Ohio Loves Lebron" and "#23 MVP" into their acreage, the owners of the farm tried to send a message to the Cavaliers star.
Hoping to find that there were more creative, sports-loving farmers across this great land, SportsPickle.com put out the call for images of similar corn mazes.
This is what we got back.
Well done, America. Well done.
1. Jim Caldwell By starting 8-0 in his coaching career, Caldwell moved up in some pretty select company for most wins to start a career.
1. Wally Lemm: 10-0
2. Potsy Clark: 8-0
2. Jim Caldwell: 8-0
4. Barney Clark: 7-0
Of course, this also makes Caldwell kind of a loser. I mean, look at the other guys on that list Wally, Potsy, Barney. All great hobo names. And Caldwell is just named "Jim." Pathetic. He doesn't deserve to be on that list until he also gets a hobo name. Or at least gives his current name a hobo flourish. Like maybe Chowder Jim Caldwell. Why Chowder? No reason. There doesn't have to be. You think those other guys had a great reason to be coaching in the hobo leagues of the 1920s and '30s? They just did what they had to do.
2. Steve Slaton No fumbles this week. And it's all thanks to him trying the Tiki Barber method. That's where you create three pressure points on the ball. Slaton should know he can also use this holding method beyond football. For example, thanks to his approach, Tiki Barber himself somehow manages to hold onto his dignity every morning while interviewing chefs about shrimp stir-fry on the Today show. JOURNALISM!
3. San Diego Chargers Philip Rivers is now 2-0 lifetime against Eli Manning, the quarterback he was traded for after Elisha and his father whined their way out of San Diego. And Shawne Merriman, one of the three players the Chargers drafted with the picks they got along with Rivers in exchange for Manning, sacked Eli on the final play of the game. I think that's called irony. Or is it? I'm not sure. Sometimes I honestly forget exactly what irony is. If irony = hilarious, then that's what I mean here.
4. Bucco Bruce Great to see him again. Especially because the America of 2009 is a different place than the America of the '70s and '80s. Did you see Bucco Bruce and his partner have adopted a little Filipino boy? He's adorable. His name is Bucco Bitao.
5. Matt Leinart One pass, one interception, and pulled from the game. Well done, Matt. Well done. That should teach Ken Whisenhunt. YO, DICKWEED! DON'T INTERRUPT ME TO GO IN THE GAME WHEN I'M HITTING ON CHEERLEADERS, BRAH!
1. Jake Delhomme Yes, I know. Putting Jake Delhomme in the losers spot is getting tiresome. But this time it's not about his football skills, or lack thereof. No, there is something much more embarrassing about Jake Delhomme. I'll let Brian Billick explain with this audio from Sunday's game. My God. Jake Delhomme's testicles have yet to descend. Perhaps they were intercepted on their way down.
2. Andy Reid You fat turd. As though Philadelphia fans don't suffer enough at the end of games already. Why not just have Brad Lidge play quarterback in the final minutes?
3. other fat turds Andy Reid? Lost. Mike McCarthy? Lost. Charlie Weis? Lost. Mark Mangino? Lost. Ralph Friedgen? Lost. Not a good week for our heftiest coaches. I trust/hope that there is more than just one hot seat. And that they are reinforced. And, if not, for their safety, let's please replace the hot seat with a hot barge or hot cargo ship.
4. Steven Hauschka Baltimore's young kicker is making a habit of missing late-game kicks. He missed a kick that would have tied the game at the end of regulation in Minnesota, and then missed another on Sunday against the Bengals that would have kept Baltimore in the game. On the Ravens, that will get you cut. Literally.
5. New England Patriots Miami Dolphins linebacker Joey Porter said last week that there is "no question" that Tom Brady is getting favorable calls. After the game, Brady said those words motivated the Patriots all week. "It's really motivating," Brady said on WEEI Radio. "I think the guys take it to heart and the coaches take it to heart." Wait really? So let me get this straight the Patriots are motivated by the stating of fact? Huh. Well, suck on this Patriots: "The sun rises in the east." Oooooooh. Motivation. Now the Colts have no chance against them on Sunday.