Filed Under » NFL

AVOID: Larry Johnson, RB, Bengals — Johnson is tempting for anyone who is a fantasy football veteran. For a time in the middle of the decade he was one of the top fantasy guys in the NFL. But that was several years, battered women and homophobic slurs ago. In the last three seasons combined, Johnson has gained only 1,810 yards — after running for more than 1,700 in both 2005 and 2006.

Granted, the new Bengals running back seems to be motivated … to play his old team, at least. In fact, he posted this on his Facebook page on Monday: "Gonna gallop all over the Chiefs. Cleat prints on the chests. Mud in the face masks."

Ouch.

Cincinnati plays Kansas City on December 27th.

And don't think he won't gallop all over you, Chiefs. Larry Johnson's yards per carry these days is about the exact length of a human body. He may never get off of you.

Why shouldn't this be the ad? Most people who buy Wrangler jeans eventually make them into jorts anyway.

Cleveland Browns quarterback Brady Quinn made a bold promise today – and one many think he may not be able to keep – when he promised little William Tyler, a 6-year-old Browns fan suffering from terminal cancer, that he will throw the boy one completion in his next game.

“William asked Brady to throw him five touchdowns and Brady said, ‘I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can do that for you, little boy,’” said Tara Guzman, Tyler’s nurse. “So then William asked him for one touchdown and Brady kind of hemmed on that one, too. So they went back and forth on stuff like that for a while before Brady finally agreed to try to throw him one single completion. I think it was a fair compromise.”

The little boy says he hopes Quinn comes through on his promise.

“My daddy says that all the Browns need to win is for Brady to not completely f—k it all up and lose the game all by himself,” said William. “And, yeah, my parents say I’m allowed to say bad words like ‘f—k’ if I want to because I’m dying. So hopefully he can complete just one pass for me and the Browns will win a game. I just hope he knows I meant that he has to complete a pass to another Browns player, not the other team.”

Quinn says he is not the one to make brash predictions, but admits he is feeling pretty confident heading into the game.

“I feel like I played well in practice and, at the very least, I feel like I won't play worse than Derek Anderson," said Quinn. “So, yeah, I think I can throw a completion, and who knows – I could go off, get a few breaks and maybe even have two or three. I don’t to limit myself and put a cap on it.”

No matter what the outcome on the scoreboard is, though, little William’s father is hoping against hope that Quinn comes through for his son with the promised completion.

“Brady is William’s favorite player, so this would mean a lot to him and put a smile on his face if it happens,” said Greg Tyler, the stricken boy’s father. “Although I find it kind of depressing that Brady Quinn is his favorite player. It makes me think he hates himself for having cancer and has completely given up on life.”

WINNERS

1. Super Bowl XLIII.5 — Patriots-Colts was entertaining. But I wasn't impressed by the stuff outside of the game. The Super Bowl ads, for example. In fact, I don't think I saw a single new commercial. Guess it's the economy. But even though it's old, I do always get a good laugh at the "Unstoppable … Eli Manning is" commercial for Citizen. Hilarious. Maybe the funniest Super Bowl ad ever. In addition to the ads, the halftime show sucked, too. Olbermann & Patrick? Ugh. Such a lame group. I think they have an even older target audience than the Rolling Stones and Bruce Springsteen.

2. Bud Adams — The 86-year-old owner of the Titans decided it would be fun to give the finger to the Bills over and over after Tennessee won 41-17 on Sunday. I hope when I'm 86 I still have enough spunk to give the Bills the finger. But I fear I'll only have the energy to give good teams the finger.

3. Joey Porter — Tony Sparano made him inactive for Sunday's game. That means Porter had all Sunday to work on his abs instead of playing stupid football. Can you imagine how intimidating his abs will be this Sunday during his pre-game preening? Miami's opponent will be super intimidated. Maybe Sparano is the true coaching genius in the AFC East.

4. Jack Del Rio— The Jaguars beat the Jets on the road to stay in the wild card picture. And according to CBS announcers, Del Rio and Jets head coach Rex Ryan used to workout together when they were on the Ravens' staff. I suppose Del Rio took the role of the guy working out, and Ryan was the weight being lifted. Smart move by Del Rio. Because if you take the other role, you end up looking like an out-of-shape fatass like Rex Ryan.

5. veterans — The NFL honored veterans across the league with pre-game ceremonies. And then, to top it off, Kellen Winslow, Jr. went for 102 yards on seven catches.

LOSERS

1. Bill Belichick — I haven't seen coaching that bad since … since … I'm going to go with since that piece of crap the Browns had in the early '90s. You know, in the past, many have used the phrase "cheaters never win" when it comes to Belichick. But I think we now have to update that to "cheaters never win; also: morons never win."

2. this NBC cameraman

And I mean because the poor guy has to do close-ups of Andrea Kremer for a living. But also because he got shoved to the ground.

3. Bengals Nation — I was at Heinz Field on Sunday for the Steelers-Bengals game. There were maybe — maybe — 150 people in the whole stadium wearing Bengals gear. Bengals Nation is the Luxembourg of sports fan nations. If Luxembourg had uglier colors. And was a little smaller.

4. Mrs. Roger Goodell — The NFL commissioner attended yesterday Bills-Titans game in Tennessee. Why? I have no idea. Maybe he had a hankering for contraction. But during the game, Goodell — or @nflcommish on Twitter — tweeted that he was at the game. So a Titans fan — a female Titans fan named Lisa Hayes (@lisahayes4) — invited Goodell to sit with her via Twitter. He accepted. And it seems they hit it off quite well. I wonder how Goodell's wife, Jane Skinner of Fox News, feels about her husband accepting a proposition via Twitter from a woman.

Oh, Roger's stimulus plan passed, Jane. I reported it. Now you decide how to deal with it.

Maybe it's time to woo Roger back with some more dirty talk.

5. Bill Belichick — He deserves more than one mention here. He was that bad. And you might think: "Sure. Take the easy way out. How uncreative. List the same guy twice." Maybe you're right. This isn't creative. It's not risky. You could say I even punted here. But that makes me smarter than supposed super genius Bill Belichick.

“A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! You should see the look on all of your faces right now,” said Bill Belichick in the Patriots post-game locker room. “Hilarious. Absolutely hilarious. ‘Oh, whoa is us. We lost. We were up 17 points in the fourth quarter to our rivals. Boo-hoo. Boo-hoo’ Ha! Losers. Outstanding. Here’s what you learned tonight: I made you. I f—king made you pathetic pieces of crap. And I can destroy you, too. And that’s exactly what I did tonight. Suck it. Suck. It.”

And with that post-game debriefing, every Patriots player learned the stunning truth: Bill Belichick had purposely sabotaged the end of the Patriots-Colts game in order to crush the spirit of his team for his own personal amusement.

“I have to get a picture of this. It’s just too sweet,” said Belichick, taking out a camera. “Come on. Everyone gather together for a team photo. Anyone who is crying get in the middle. Brady? Tommy Brady? Get in there. Someone get Brady up from in front of his locker and get him in the picture. I want that dandy to be front and center. Maybe I can sell it for the cover of a fashion magazine for losers. Oh, man. Yeah. This is great. I’m blowing this up and putting it on the wall in my office. Fourth-and-two on the 28 and we go for it! So awesome.”

After the team photo, several shocked players asked Belichick if he was just kidding. If the whole thing was an attempt, perhaps misguided, to lighten the mood in the crushed Patriots locker room.

“Kidding? Ha! Absolutely not,” he said. “No way. I made you guys lose. You were like puppets on a string out there. You really think that up by six with two minutes to go in the game I'd risk just giving the other team the ball on the 28? Only a moron would do that. Or an insane person. Or an insane moron.I mean, jeez – none of you retards got a little suspicious when I sent the play in? Really? After all this time, you really think I’m that stupid? It seemed so obvious to me. You losers are more gullible than that the ginger balls Roger Goodell.”

With those players who weren’t already crying now wailing over the betrayal by their own coach, Belichick gleefully turned the knife.

“Oh, and enjoy those three Super Bowl rings from earlier this decade while you can,” he cackled, holding his sides in laughter. “Because you won’t have them much longer. I cheated in those Super Bowls. Big time. And it’s all going to come out. Because I'm going to spill the beans on everything. That’s right – everything you have all accomplished in your careers is a sham. Everything you have worked for, sweated for, bled for … is a lie. Isn’t it hilarious?! A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh, man. I’m laughing so hard I just spit up in my mouth. I mean, Brady – did you really think you were good enough to win three Super Bowls? Really? Come on, guy. You were a sixth round draft pick, you homo. You weren't even good at Michigan. Yet all of a sudden you’re unstoppable? Nothing seemed suspicious to you? What kind of fantasy world do you live in, goat boy?”

Belichick then warned his team that none of his words were to leave the locker room.

"If anyone speaks of this, you're cut and I'll trash your name all around the league so you never get another job," he said, laughing uproariously. "Oh, man. I love my job, you stupid idiots."