Former Miami Dolphins running back Mercury Morris stated today in a nationally-televised interview today that he hopes your "whore wife" leaves you so that your precious marriage fails, leaving him as the only happy person in America.
"It's nothing against him personally," Morris said about you. "But I really enjoy being happily married and this is something I want to keep for myself. A great marriage means more if you're the only person to have one. That's obvious."
Morris then went on to say that even if your marriage does last, it pales in comparison to his and the struggles he went through to make it work.
"He's ugly, for one," said Morris. "It's not hard to stay married when no one else wants to have sex with you. He's lucky he has a marriage to begin with. Same with his wife, Lard Pants or whatever her name is. She would leave him in a minute if anyone would take her. By the way, Lard Pants, if you're watching, I'll take you if it gets you away from him and ends your marriage. Or I'll give you to Jim Kiick. He was always into fatties."
Morris, a member of the undefeated 1972 Miami Dolphins, also said it's a lot easier to stay married these days than back when he was getting hitched.
"Oh, man, the seventies were something else," he said. "Just free, casual sex anywhere you wanted it. There were times when I returned a kick, came to the sidelines and fell knee-deep into poontang. I'm talking high-quality poon, too. We would use our timeouts just to push the hot, naked women off of us. And women kept themselves in shape back then. Now everyone is fat and you have the AIDS and women wanting you to use condoms no wonder this guy is staying married. And even if he does stay with his wife, he'll know deep inside that he's not really as happy as I am."
When contacted by a reporter, Morris' wife, Sheila, said their marriage is indeed built to last.
"I sleep around on him, he doesn't know, and I get to live in a nice house," she said. "No way I'm giving this up. Oh, by the way, ever year when Mercury and all the '72 Dolphins get drunk on champagne together after the last undefeated team goes down, they usually start talking about how awesome it is that no one knows they were on steroids."
Needing to stop the Panthers on a crucial 3rd-and-short play late in the fourth quarter of New England's 20-10 win on Sunday, Patriots head coach Bill Belichick suddenly heard what the team’s cheerleaders were saying behind the bench.
“I heard them say: ‘Push ‘em back, push ‘em back, way back,’” said Belichick. “I called over our defensive coordinator and said: ‘Good God, man! Do you hear what I hear? They think we should push ‘em back.’ And he said: ‘You know, it might just be crazy enough to work.’ So we did it.”
And wonder of wonders, it did work. The Panthers were pushed back, failed to pick up the first down and had to punt.
“A lot of people don’t give cheerleaders the respect they deserve,” said Belichick. “But they clearly know a lot about football. That pushing ‘em back idea was genius. Genius, I say! You see, our plan was to not push 'em back, but let ‘em forward. In retrospect, it seems insane. I mean, had we done that, we probably lose the game and fall out of the playoff chase. But thanks to our cheerleaders, we're still in good shape. Those gals have brains even bigger than their team spirit.”
Belichick says he will consult with the cheerleading squad before he makes any calls in future game-changing situations.
“I am intrigued by their idea to take it away defense, take it away,” he said. “I think that approach could be huge for our defense and allow us to get the ball back in the hands of our offense. They also say they that hey, hey, they don’t want to frown, they want another TOUCHdown. Which, let’s admit, is another pretty genius idea. I mean, why frown when you have other options? No one likes to frown.”
Despite New England's run of success this decade, Belichick says his offensive and defensive coordinators should know their jobs could be stripped.
“They’ve done well for us, but these cheerleaders are on a whole different level,” he said. “They are able to really break football down to its most simple levels, what with the pushing 'em back and the touchdowns and the smiling and the like. Plus, a nice set of tits can really boost morale in the locker room. I've seen it happen. We won three Super Bowl with Charlie Weis, remember.”
Tom Brady says Randy Moss is responsible. Hard-working. He has vouched for him in the press.
And Brady shows he means what he says by letting his star wide receiver babysit his newborn son.
1. Patriots fans Great news! Your team's hard-fought win on Sunday over the mighty Panthers at home means the Patriots have improved to 8-5 on the season. And last year they were 11-5. So if I add the two together that makes 19-10! OMG! Pull out your 19-0 t-shirts and add a "1" with with the piece of tape that used to stick your Randy Moss poster to the wall! There. Now you can finally wear that shirt with pride. Greatest 19-10 team EVER.
2. DeMarcus Ware Not only did he not get paralyzed on scary hit to the head (always a positive weekend), he flashed a "W" sign as he was getting carted off the field to show he was okay. I don't know what the "W" meant. It could have been for "Ware" or "west side" or maybe when he was unconscious he dreamt that he found Waldo. I don't know. What I do know is that he raised the bar for future players with neck injuries. No longer is it okay to just give the thumbs-up. You have to do it with style. By the way, future neck-injured, there's a free SportsPickle t-shirt waiting for the first player to go down in an opponent's stadium, receive applause while getting carted off, and then show you have movement by giving the finger to the fans. That would be awesome. In fact, screw the t-shirt. That earns you a SWEATSHIRT!
3. Indianapolis Colts Congratulations on your NFL record 22 consecutive regular season wins! To put in perspective how many that is, that is 20 more than the other current streak you have going, the one that actually matters (and the one that anyone cares about): 2 consecutive postseason losses. Wow! Amazing!
4. Brandon Marshall Congratulations on your NFL record 21 catches in a single game! Fun fact: Marshall was targeted 28 times in the game! That's right: 28. Ridiculous. Even Tiger Woods doesn't try to get it into one person that many times in a day.
5. Cats stuck in trees in the Philadelphia metro area Andy Reid briefly left the earth's crust before crashing back down. The resulting tremors surely freed a cat or two. Or, who knows, maybe even dislodged some drugs from someone's rectum.
1. Aaron Rodgers He had a nice run the past two years, but it's all downhill from here on out. In his postgame press conference, Rodgers was wearing a tiny hat. Do you hear me?! A tiny hat! Like this one. Or this one. And once an NFL quarterback feels comfortable enough to look that ridiculous in public, they have nowhere to go but down. We saw it with Brady and Romo. Style trumped substance. Football was secondary. On the bright side, Rodgers now gets to nail pretty much any high-profile trollop he'd like in any size, from your Jessica Simpson all the way down to your Gisele. So that's nice.
2. Chicago Bears Jay Cutler threw two interceptions on Sunday, giving him 22 for the season. That's the most by a Bears quarterback since Johnnie Lujack threw 22 back in 1949. Just as the Bears predicted: Jay Cutler will rewrite the team's record book.
3. Mark Ingram Congratulations on winning the Heisman! Now that that's over, it's time to forecast how awful you'll be in the NFL. I think you'll struggle to start on a team and will eventually be used primarily as a fullback and to sell tickets. Wait, I'm sorry. That's what I wrote for Tim Tebow winning. Let me get back to you on Mark Ingram.
4. Green Bay Packers Ideally you want your star linebackers to remind you of say, Jack Lambert and Jack Ham. Or maybe Lawrence Taylor and Harry Carson. Not that A.J. Hawk and Clay Matthews aren't good players. But they remind me more of these guys:
5. Dallas Cowboys Perhaps you have heard: they don't do so well in December. But the Cowboys organization is taking steps to remedy that. On Sunday on the massive HD video boards there was a 3-D display. It did not go over well. Next week? Zero-D. Cowboys fans just stab themselves in the eyes and don't have to watch their team suck again. Zero-D should be much more popular.
Despite a play that called for him to run a hitch-and-go on Sunday, Patriots wide receiver Randy Moss instead decided before the ball was snapped to run a sigh pattern.
"Fhhhhhhhh," Moss sighed, as the play began, first walking off the line of scrimmage before almost getting up to a slow jog by the time Patriots quarteback Tom Brady threw the ball 30 yards over his head where he was supposed to be. "I just don't feel like it today. We're 7-5. What's the point?"
Moss said he almost half-heartedly raised his hand over his head as the ball flew over him, but didn't think he was up to it.
"I was running a sigh pattern. That would have been a bitch-and-go," he said, shrugging his shoulders and lifting his hands on "go."
Oh the next play Moss changed a slant route into a sleep route and then, on the next play, instead of running a post just leaned against a post near the sidelines.
"Tom said 'post,' so I leaned on a fking post," said Moss. "It's not my fault they're not more specific with their language. How was I supposed to know? These are the same problems I had with the Raiders. It's not me."
The Patriots' quarterback defended his receiver against charges of loafing.
"Whoever is saying that needs to shut their mouth," said Brady. "Randy Moss doesn't loaf. Loafing means you do what you're supposed to, just in a half-hearted manner. Randy doesn't do that. Randy doesn't quit half-hearted. He quits with everything he's got. He's a true professional."
1:00 p.m. ET
New Orleans at Atlanta (+10)
Matt Ryan is probably out again for the Falcons. They're blaming it on his toe. Riiiiiight. Toe injury. Sure. I wonder how he got that toe injury. He is a Gillette spokesman, after all. Those guys are total perverts. What were you sticking that toe in when you hurt it, Ryan, huh? What kind of sick toe transgressions get you off, you freak?
My pick: New Orleans
Green Bay at Chicago (+4.5)
There is a lot of pressure on Jay Cutler. No, I don't mean to play well or win. That ship has sailed (and was then intercepted upon leaving its port). I mean there has to be pressure on him to keep finding a Jay Cutler "Fan of the Week" every week. How big is the Cutler Family?
My pick: Green Bay
Denver at Indianapolis (-6.5)
Just another example that you don't get a lot of factual reporting from the mainstream sports media. Josh McDaniels supplanted Mike Tomlin as the NFL's youngest head coach upon getting hired last spring? Umm, no. He supplanted Peyton Manning.
My pick: Denver
Buffalo at Kansas City (+2)
Because this game sucks, enjoy this.
My pick: Kansas City (and to win)
Cincinnati at Minnesota (-6)
CIN at MIN. CIN at MIN! Hey! That sounds like CINNAMON! I'm just writing game previews like a kid out here! (See, Brett Favre? See how annoying it is?)
My pick: Minnesota
Carolina at New England (-13)
Bill Belichick sent some of his players home this week because they showed up late for practice due to snow and traffic. I'm with Belichick on this. There are ways to know in advance what the weather will be and prepare for it. It's kind of like illegal videotaping your opponent's offensive signals to know what's coming. Only it's not illegal to do this to the weather. You just turn on your local weather report on TV. The best part? It won't earn your trip to practice an asterisk that will never, ever, ever be removed.
My pick: New England***
New York Jets at Tampa Bay (+3.5)
Mark Sanchez is pissed PISSED! that the Jets aren't letting him play this week. On top of that, they didn't even let him take the trip to Tampa. This rookie dreamboat is plenty angry. SportsPickle has secured exclusive video of Sanchez after he learned the news from Rex Ryan:
My pick: New York Jets
Miami at Jacksonville (-2)
It's the Battle of Florida. And if Jacksonville wins, perhaps they'll convince a few more Floridians that a team called the "Jaguars" actually exists. Unlikely, but it's a nice bit of motivation for the players.
My pick: Miami (and to win)***
Detroit at Baltimore (-14)
I feel bad for Ravens fans. I really do. They actually thought Joe Flacco was a great quarterback. They had been subjected to such horrific play at quarterback since getting a team, when they got something slightly better they thought he was a star. But he's not. He's a Ravens quarterback just as much as Jay Cutler is a Bears quarterback. Ravens fans seem to me like that guy in high school who never had any success with girls. Then, the first time someone pays him any attention, he falls madly in love. But then, eventually, he comes to his senses and realizes he's been hooking up with a total ugger. A girl who looks like Joe Flacco. A girl with an unsightly unitaint.
My pick: Baltimore
Seattle at Houston (-7)
Steve Slaton is out for the season with a neck injury. Too bad this happened for the opening week of the fantasy playoffs. Not that anyone who had Steve Slaton this year made their fantasy playoffs. YOU PRICK!
My pick: Houston
St. Louis at Tennessee (-13)
Kyle Boller's current skank, Carrie Prejean, has a book called "Still Standing: My Untold Story About Gossip, Hate, and Political Attacks." It has inspired Boller to write: "Still Starting: My Well-Known Story About Sucking, Turnovers, and Getting More Chances."
My pick: Tennessee
Washington at Oakland (+1)
Washington's non-division schedule this season has included the Rams, Lions, Buccaneers, Panthers, Chiefs, and Raiders. Since they don't really deserve to be in the NFL anymore, maybe the SEC or Big Ten will take them.
My pick: Washington
4:15 p.m. ET
San Diego at Dallas (-3)
The Cowboys' December/January schedule looks like this: Giants, Chargers, Saints, Redskins, Eagles. Oh, and Tony Romo is their holder again. That's all I've got. (I don't always have the jokes. Sometimes I just set it up so the team can deliver the punchline. Cowboys? Don't let me down.)
My pick: San Diego (and to win)
8:20 p.m. ET
Philadelphia at New York Giants (+1)
Andy Reid just signed a three-year contract extension. Eli Manning Eli Manning! is the highest paid player in football. I guess in a way it's comforting to know that the NFL is just like any other job, in that often times the least competent people have the most job security.
My pick: Philadelphia***
Arizona at San Francisco (+3.5)
I don't know if people have grown tired of the Madden "curse" storyline or what. But Troy Polamalu's downfall this season has flown under the radar. He hurt his knee Week 1. The Steelers opened 1-2. He returned and played well, the Steelers improved to 6-2. Then he hurt his knee again a month ago in a home game against the Bengals. A win would have moved Pittsburgh into first place. They lost, he hasn't returned, and they have continued losing. Five in a row, in fact, and they'll miss the playoffs. And if that's not bad enough, Larry Fitzgerald's future is Matt Leinart. The poor bastard.
My pick: Arizona
Pittsburgh at Cleveland (+9.5)
In Pittsburgh's six losses this season, they have led in the fourth quarter in all but one of them. In fact, ever since James Harrison returned Kurt Warner's last pass before the half in Super Bowl XLIII for 100 yards and a touchdown, the Steelers have gone from one of the best defenses of all-time to one of the least reliable in all of football.
Hmm. What could have happened since halftime at the Super Bowl that could have caused this?
That's right. The curse of Bruce Springsteen's old man balls. No doubt the Steelers witnessed this at halftime and decided they never again wanted to make such an impact with the ballcarrier. And you can't really blame them.
My pick: Pittsburgh***