New England Patriots running back Sammy Morris sounded off today, openly admitting that he hopes the now one-loss New Orleans Saints don't match the 18-1 record his Patriots achieved back in 2007.
"We are remembered as the only 18-1 team," said Morris, who joined the Patriots before their historic 2007 season. "Even with the three Super Bowls the Patriots won this decade, when the average fan thinks of this franchise, they first think of 18-1, not championships."
Morris said championships are actually probably fourth, behind 18-1, asterisks and cheating.
"The Patriots would really be a great Family Feud topic," he said.
With the New Orleans Saints now 13-1 following a loss at home to the Cowboys, some have said they are now even more of a sure bet for the Super Bowl.
"This loss can refocus them and remotivate them now that 19-0 isn't a possibility," said NFL Network analyst Steve Mariucci. "I expect them to emerge from this loss stronger than before and win the Super Bowl."
Morris doesn't think that will happen.
"Let me know when they're in my neighborhood, when they're on my street, when they're on my block," he said. "13-1 is a long way from 18-1. Trust me on this. Once you lose once, it's easy to start losing again and again, as our last two seasons have shown. Plus, the Saints' 18-1 wouldn't be the same as ours, because that would mean they won the Super Bowl. We did not, as you may remember. Even if they do get there, I think fans will still think of our 18-1 much more fondly."
1:00 p.m. ET
New England at Buffalo (+6.5)
The Patriots have gone 16-1 over the last 17 games in this series. Since Buffalo doesn't really have anything to play for, they should just let New England win the next two to go 18-1 and then point and laugh.
My pick: Buffalo
Arizona at Detroit (+14)
The Lions have two wins this year, but are they any closer to being even decent than they were during last year's 0-16 season? They still have Calvin Johnson, which is nice. But running back Kevin Smith was lousy before he got hurt. Their defense remains terrible. And Matthew Stafford, Browns game aside, has been pretty bad. So where does that leave them? Well, they're currently only in line for the fourth overall pick, so no Ndamukong Suh. And with a sure thing gone, they'll probably just take the biggest bust still on the board.
My pick: Arizona
Miami at Tennessee (-5)
If the season ended today, the Dolphins would be in the playoffs. And we can't let that happen. Please, Titans please win. We beg of you. Nothing against the Dolphins, I like their style of play. But I can't take this:
Or Jimmy Buffet.
Or Marc Anthony.
Or Jennifer Lopez.
I'd rather have Serena Williams shove a tennis ball in my ears.
My pick: Tennessee
Cleveland at Kansas City (-2)
These teams can only embarrass themselves by taking the field. What they should do is decide to just both take a tie no losers that way and then invite fans down onto the field to watch a highlights montage of their victories over the Steelers.
My pick: Cleveland (and to win)
Houston at St. Louis (+14)
West Texas A&M alum Keith Null, a Ryan Leaf protege no, really threw five interceptions in his NFL debut last week. It reminded me of the Johnny Cash classic that goes: "Out in the West Texas school near El Paso, I throw a ball like a Mexican girl."
My pick: Houston
Atlanta at New York Jets (-7)
Here's the opening paragraph to ESPN.com's preview for this game: "Three wins in a row over struggling opponents have revived the New York Jets'playoff hopes. Getting Mark Sanchezback could help." Hey! Leave some jokes for the rest of us!
My pick: Atlanta
4:05 p.m. ET
Oakland at Denver (-14)
The Raiders have signed J.P. Losman. Poor guy. He went from Tulane to the Bills to the UFL to the Raiders a downward trajectory the entire way. The only way for him to turn things around at this point might be to do some porn.
My pick: Denver
Cincinnati at San Diego (-7)
The NFL is prepared to fine Chad Ochocinco if he wears No. 15 in honor of Chris Henry. Classy, NFL! Really classy! Anyway, you have been warned, Ochocinco. If you choose to get fined, know you had it coming. Just like Chris Henry right, Jay Feely?
My pick: San Diego
4:15 p.m. ET
San Francisco at Philadelphia (-7.5)
This game was supposed to start at 1:00 p.m. but got pushed back so stadium workers would have enough time to clear snow from the field. Poor planning. Terrible planning. All they had to do to keep snow off the field was lay one of Andy Reid's windbreakers out on the field before the storm came. Why do I always have to think of everything?
My pick: San Francisco
Green Bay at Pittsburgh (-2)
Really? The Steelers are favored in a football game? Against NFL players? The Steelers the team that has lost to the Chiefs, Raiders and Browns in recent weeks? I guess it's out of respect for their accomplishments and what they're still capable of. Sports books of Vegas, Ryan Clark does NOT think you are turds!
My pick: Pittsburgh
Tampa Bay at Seattle (-6.5)
Mike Holmgren has turned down an offer to become general manager of the Seahawks. Nice. So he created the turd pile (turds!) that is the Seahawks, left for a few months, and now has decided he wants to be someplace else. He must be a great house guest.
"I'm not flushing that toilet."
"Why? You're the one who filled it."
"I want a new toilet that's not full of this mess."
"Just flush the one you have."
"I will not. Please show me to a new toilet. And give me money."
"Okay. But that one has been full of plenty of turds, too."
"Ahh, but they weren't my turds."
My pick: Seattle
Chicago at Baltimore (-11)
This game was also supposed to be played at 1:00 p.m. but got pushed back due to snow. But who cares about this game. Instead, let's look at some football-related snowman art. Here is the first one. And now, the second. What have we learned, class? Yes, blocks in the back, pass interference, unnecessary roughness snowmen are very undisciplined football players.
My pick: Baltimore
8:20 p.m. ET
Minnesota at Carolina (+8.5)
Brett Favre: "I don't think I'm falling apart in December like most people seem to think. So I feel fine. I don't feel much different than most guys in that locker room at this stage of the season." Way to throw your teammates under the tractor, Bert. So you're saying your entire team isn't playing well, huh? Same old jerk.
My pick: Minnesota
New York Giants at Washington (+3)
My pick: New York Giants
Dallas at New Orleans (-7.5)
The Cowboys are having another disastrous December. Some people like to make fun of them for this. But I am a giving sort. So I commissioned a song for the Dallas Cowboys.
Stupid British accents. When they say "There won't be playoffs in Dallas" it sounds like "There won't be snow in Africa." And "Win a game" sounds like "Feed the world." But other than that, great job, gents!
Except for you, Bono. "Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you"? Jeez. What a dick. I realize the Cowboys are easy to hate. But that was a little too cruel.
My pick: Dallas
Indianapolis at Jacksonville (+3)
Hey! Exciting news! I got an exclusive interview with Indianapolis Colts head coach Jim Caldwell for this game's preview.
SP: First of all, Coach Caldwell, thank you for your time.
SP: Okay. Moving right along. Coach, you're 13-0. Three games to go to a possible 16-0. Is that a goal for your team?
SP: I see. Well, coach, I'll get right to it and ask the question I think we all want to know are you just a new version of the Tony Dungy robot, pictured here, only without the software program that allows speech?
SP: Okay. Well, thanks for your time, coach.
My pick: Indianapolis***
December 18, 2009 Column
Tweet of the Week
Tweet of the Week
From @Ka_Mitchell55 AKA Buffalo Bills linebacker Kawika Mitchell
(Because Tweet of the Week can't always go to an Ohio State football player.)
Tebow could fly up Jesus-style and get Jaxson De Ville down.
I can imagine there was a lot of pressure starting to build up in that giant cat's head from hanging upside-down for so long. But no worries. When a mascot's head explodes, brains and blood don't fly everywhere. Blood-soaked confetti does. And that's awesome.
Former Miami Dolphins running back Mercury Morris stated today in a nationally-televised interview today that he hopes your "whore wife" leaves you so that your precious marriage fails, leaving him as the only happy person in America.
"It's nothing against him personally," Morris said about you. "But I really enjoy being happily married and this is something I want to keep for myself. A great marriage means more if you're the only person to have one. That's obvious."
Morris then went on to say that even if your marriage does last, it pales in comparison to his and the struggles he went through to make it work.
"He's ugly, for one," said Morris. "It's not hard to stay married when no one else wants to have sex with you. He's lucky he has a marriage to begin with. Same with his wife, Lard Pants or whatever her name is. She would leave him in a minute if anyone would take her. By the way, Lard Pants, if you're watching, I'll take you if it gets you away from him and ends your marriage. Or I'll give you to Jim Kiick. He was always into fatties."
Morris, a member of the undefeated 1972 Miami Dolphins, also said it's a lot easier to stay married these days than back when he was getting hitched.
"Oh, man, the seventies were something else," he said. "Just free, casual sex anywhere you wanted it. There were times when I returned a kick, came to the sidelines and fell knee-deep into poontang. I'm talking high-quality poon, too. We would use our timeouts just to push the hot, naked women off of us. And women kept themselves in shape back then. Now everyone is fat and you have the AIDS and women wanting you to use condoms no wonder this guy is staying married. And even if he does stay with his wife, he'll know deep inside that he's not really as happy as I am."
When contacted by a reporter, Morris' wife, Sheila, said their marriage is indeed built to last.
"I sleep around on him, he doesn't know, and I get to live in a nice house," she said. "No way I'm giving this up. Oh, by the way, ever year when Mercury and all the '72 Dolphins get drunk on champagne together after the last undefeated team goes down, they usually start talking about how awesome it is that no one knows they were on steroids."
Needing to stop the Panthers on a crucial 3rd-and-short play late in the fourth quarter of New England's 20-10 win on Sunday, Patriots head coach Bill Belichick suddenly heard what the team’s cheerleaders were saying behind the bench.
“I heard them say: ‘Push ‘em back, push ‘em back, way back,’” said Belichick. “I called over our defensive coordinator and said: ‘Good God, man! Do you hear what I hear? They think we should push ‘em back.’ And he said: ‘You know, it might just be crazy enough to work.’ So we did it.”
And wonder of wonders, it did work. The Panthers were pushed back, failed to pick up the first down and had to punt.
“A lot of people don’t give cheerleaders the respect they deserve,” said Belichick. “But they clearly know a lot about football. That pushing ‘em back idea was genius. Genius, I say! You see, our plan was to not push 'em back, but let ‘em forward. In retrospect, it seems insane. I mean, had we done that, we probably lose the game and fall out of the playoff chase. But thanks to our cheerleaders, we're still in good shape. Those gals have brains even bigger than their team spirit.”
Belichick says he will consult with the cheerleading squad before he makes any calls in future game-changing situations.
“I am intrigued by their idea to take it away defense, take it away,” he said. “I think that approach could be huge for our defense and allow us to get the ball back in the hands of our offense. They also say they that hey, hey, they don’t want to frown, they want another TOUCHdown. Which, let’s admit, is another pretty genius idea. I mean, why frown when you have other options? No one likes to frown.”
Despite New England's run of success this decade, Belichick says his offensive and defensive coordinators should know their jobs could be stripped.
“They’ve done well for us, but these cheerleaders are on a whole different level,” he said. “They are able to really break football down to its most simple levels, what with the pushing 'em back and the touchdowns and the smiling and the like. Plus, a nice set of tits can really boost morale in the locker room. I've seen it happen. We won three Super Bowl with Charlie Weis, remember.”
Tom Brady says Randy Moss is responsible. Hard-working. He has vouched for him in the press.
And Brady shows he means what he says by letting his star wide receiver babysit his newborn son.