It's Adrian Peterson. Running back for the Chicago Bears.
How are you all enjoying the NFL playoffs? Fun? Entertaining?
Well, f**k you all. I bet you're not enjoying them as much as I am.
And, yes, when I said "f**k you all" I meant you specifically. You. Reading this right now. F**k you. I don't mean "you" in the general. Well, I do. But also specifically you. F**k you.
Oh, please. Don't look at me like that. I'm not stupid. I know you've made those lame "he's the BAD Adrian Peterson" jokes for the last few years. Hilarious! They almost went over my head but then I figured it out I SHARE THE SAME NAME AS THE ADRIAN PETERSON ON THE VIKINGS! Clever! And he was considered an elite running back so Alacazam! I became a punchline. Wow. You are a comedic genius. Really. You should go on tour, f**kface.
Well, who's the joke now?
You're big into stats, right? You love all the gaudy rushing totals the Vikings' Adrian Peterson puts up. Well here are some stats:
My career yards per carry average: 4.1
His career average for fumbles in an NFC Championship Game: 3.0
Ask anyone in football this question: Game on the line. Late in the game. You need to run out the clock and can't turn the ball over. Which Adrian Peterson would you feel more comfortable handing the ball to?
Easy answer. It's me.
F**k you all. He's the punchline now, not me. Go f**k yourselves. Use one of the footballs that Adrian Peterson of the Vikings fumbled. There are plenty to go around.
Adrian Peterson (the "good" one)
1. Awesomeness There are things that make you feel lucky to be alive. Like I don't know. I guess some people would say witnessing the birth of a child. I'm not sure I'd agree. I doubt that compares to a season-ending Brett Favre interception. Maybe if my child was born and then thrown through the air by Brett Favre into the waiting arms of a defensive back in the waning moments of a playoff game. And I would hope that defensive back is also a nurse. Because I'm not a monster.
2. Garrett Hartley Finally. A kicker made a kick. The interesting thing about Hartley is that he missed the first four games of the season due to a suspension for using an illegal substance. He says he took Adderall to stay awake on a drive from Dallas to New Orleans. I guess we have to believe him. But I had no idea kickers slept. I thought they were like hummingbirds or those little teacup dogs. You know, their hearts beat about 1,000 times a second and they just shake until their life mercifully ends one day when their heart explodes. But apparently they're like normal people. They probably even have a feelings, too. Which is good news, because now heckling them will be that much more fun.
3. Mark Sanchez Not a bad showing in the playoffs, Mr. Sanchez. You proved a lot of people wrong including your old college coach who thought you were stupid for going pro. Shows what he knows. That guy needs to stay far, far away from the pro game, am I right? Oh? Really? The Seattle Seahawks? Yeah, still not really the NFL.
4. Sears The first commercial that ran after the Saints won was the Sears/Favre commercial in which the salesman implies he might not go to Miami and Favre says: "What's that supposed to mean?" Awesome. [It's supposed to mean you suck in the playoffs, Brett.] Couldn't have been better timing. I will now shop at Sears exclusively for schadenfreude. They earned it.
5. Adrian Peterson No, not that one. The bad one. The one on the Bears. Who is I guess now the good one? Weird.
2. Revis Island Revis Island remains the untainted paradise we've all heard about. But the problem is you have to travel through some absolute slums to get to Revis Island namely, the rest of the Jets' secondary. It reminds me of the one time I went on vacation to St. Thomas. Driving from the airport to the resort in the resort shuttle, I was surprised by all the poverty and felt bad about being there to enjoy myself. It kind of ruined the resort for me. Until I had my first rum runner. Then I was cool with it.
3. Kim Kardashian Where were you on Sunday? Did you learn nothing at media whore finishing school? Your guy is playing in the NFC Championship Game before tens of millions of people and you're nowhere to be found? You let one deranged, lovestruck stalker keep you away? It's good you're not the football player. Guys like Brett Favre have to deal with entire media rooms full of deranged, lovestruck stalkers every week.
4. America On Twitter there are things called Trending Topics. They show the 10 most talked about things on Twitter at any given moment. During Sunday's NFC Championship Game, "Farve" was a Trending Topic through almost the entire game. Even above "Brett Favre". Really. "Farve". America: You are retarded. (No, don't worry. That didn't offend anyone. As no one can read.)
5. America You know why we love those Brett Favre interceptions so much? Because they give us strength to get through the rest of the year. Here's Favre before the NFC Championship Game to FOX's Pam Oliver on retiring: "Even if I do [know], and I probably do know, I wouldn't say." Oh. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha. Ha. Ha-ha. Ha. Please fall off your tractor and into the blades.
Tim Tebow is under the watchful eye of NFL scouts at the Senior Bowl. One scout gave SportsPickle access to his notes on the former Florida star.
It's not yet known if Brett Favre will attempt to return for another season next year and we likely won't know his true intentions for some time. But Favre will first have to learn if his body can even hold up for another season after being injured like a kid out there in the NFC Championship Game against the Saints.
The childlike gunslinger is scheduled to see a leading pediatrician this week.
"I am an expert in owies and boo-boo's," said Dr. James McEwan, of Children's Hospital in New York. "I have also worked with some of the top doctors in the field of cootie infestation. I am excited to look at Brett and see how I can help him. He is a very brave boy."
Favre was repeatedly thrown to the Superdome turf against the Saints, and he will undergo a battery of tests, including a possible MRI and CT scan.
"For a lot of kids out there, these are scary procedures to go through," says Dr. McEwan. "But that's where the art of this job comes in. You have to make them feel comfortable and safe. Sometimes it's as simple as promising them a lollipop at the end. From what I've seen of Brett, he'll be able to tough it out. He's a trooper."
Favre plans to take a toy tractor along with him to the examination for comfort. Dr. McEwan says Favre can't play with the tractor during the MRI, but that a great surprise awaits after it's all over.
"I asked Brett's mom what he would like most," said the doctor. "She told me a press conference. So we're having one at Chuck E. Cheese after his visit with me is over."
Picture Crazy Saints Fan
To be safe he had a Vikings tattoo on his other arm.
It was the ending that everyone hoped for. Brett Favre, playing at age 40, in perhaps his greatest season, with the Super Bowl on the line, just seconds left on the clock threw the ball directly into the hands of an opposing defensive back.
"Thank you, sweet Jesus!" you yelled. Or maybe it wasn't you. It's hard to remember in all the delirium. But someone yelled it. Because something incredibly awesome had just happened.
The play still seems as though it was a dream. Like something that could only happen in a movie. The perfect ending. Too wonderful to be real. But it was real. It did happen. And it's the reason hundreds of millions of people love sports.
"In these tough times, these are the things you cling to, the things that give us hope," said President Barack Obama. "We often seem so divided, but today we all have something to celebrate. Brett Favre's interception. That selfish prick. Intercepted on the last pass he threw of the season. For the third year in a row. So awesome. So so awesome."
"We all now know what heaven feels like," said Pope Benedict XVI. "For that brief moment, and the 20 to 30 minutes after when we were still giving each other high-fives, we understood the joy of what the afterlife will be. Heaven is an eternity of Brett Favre throwing stupid interceptions across the field. And streets of gold, too, probably. But definitely the interceptions."
With Favre's storybook season now at a close, one question remains: can he write another chapter? Another book?
"I still have the desire to play," said Favre. "And I think people still have the desire to see me fail. We'll see what happens. But I don't know if I can top this. This was pretty magical for everyone who's not Brett Favre."
Unstoppable. White liquid shooting at Eli Manning's face is.
Is this better or worse for the Giants than Plaxico Burress getting shot in the leg?
Shouldn't be long now until Eli is the official endorser of this.
Let's focus on the keys to the game for each team in Sunday's conference championship games.
3:05 p.m. ET
New York Jets at Indianapolis (-7.5)
>>> Colts key to the game: Limit the destructive influence of Donald
"Goddamit, Donald! What the hell are you thinking?"
"How could you not expect our left tackle to get beaten immediately by legendary Ravens linebacker umm it says here that No. 95 on Baltimore roster is Jarret Johnson. How could you not expect that?! It's Jarret Johnson! He's great! You've ruined the play, Donald. You've ruined EVERYTHING. If Marvin Harrison was still here, I'd have him shoot you right in your stupid face."
>>> Jets key to the game: Help Mark Sanchez
Yes, the Jets can't put the game in Mark Sanchez's hands. That's obvious. But he needs way more help than that. Let's start with his diet. Check out this article from the New York Post:
"10 things you didn't know about Mark Sanchez:"
"6. Eats at Taco Bell every chance he gets."
What the? Taco Bell?! Sanchez's great-grandparents moved to the United States from Mexico. He probably grew up around great, authentic Mexican food. And he likes to eat at Taco Bell???
This is not good. Not good at all.
Take a look at this Twitter post from John Calipari. Olive Garden?! Really? Olive Garden? An Italian guy digging Olive Garden.
We have a serious problem on our hands. Americans with Mexican heritage love Taco Bell. Americans with Italian heritage love Olive Garden.
Jeez. I'm more ethnic than these guys.
My pick: Indianapolis***
6:45 p.m. ET
Minnesota at New Orleans (-3.5)
>>> Saints key to the game: Get the ball to Reggie Bush
Bush finally exploded in New Orleans' divisional round win against the Cardinals. So the Vikings have had to come up with a game plan for how to stop him. So far it doesn't sound like the have much:
"We'll have a plan that doesn't involve us pooping our pants." Chris Kluwe, P, Vikings
Sooooo I guess that's a place to start. Be on guard, Bush. If the Vikings realize that they can still poop themselves, only after removing their pants, allowing the poop to fall onto the field, which will then cause you to slip and fall on their feces as you cut across the field, you are doomed. It's Football 101.
>>> Vikings key to the game: Try to be less loathsome
As though rooting for Brett Favre to fail wasn't enough, there's your stupid dome, your stupid Viking horn, your pederast coach and your douchebag defensive lineman. Then you inspired Prince to compose the worst song ever. Oh, wait. Breaking news. This just in. Prince's song somehow isn't the worst song ever. It's this one (h/t KSK):
Sweet Lord. In all of that FAIL, the worst part may be at the 1:00 mark. Oh. Wow! You hit Drew Brees after he got a pass off. That's the best clip you could pull from Madden, a game you have full control over? Yeah, this is a fan base used to failure.
One last thing. Despite all I said about the Vikings and their fans, please refrain from making personal attacks about the people in that video. They can't help the way they look. And they don't even look that bad. The lead singer doesn't even have man boobs. At least I don't think he does. Man boobs don't sit that high. I think those are collarbone tits. Very rare. Cherish them.
My pick: New Orleans
January 22, 2010 Column
Tweet of the Week
Tweet of the Week
From @OGOchoCinco AKA Bengals wide receiver Chad Ochocinco