Filed Under » NFL

Former Heisman Trophy winner Eric Crouch is slated to appear in a high-profile commercial during the Pro Bowl, but the spot is generating significant controversy.

"No one wants to see Eric Crouch in a commercial," said Jack Linard, chairman of the advertising watchdog group Ad America. "I'd rather see twenty Miller Lite commercials with that annoying girlfriend and her dog than Eric Crouch. When did he win the Heisman? '89? '90? Why is he in an ad?"

The commercial, featuring the 2001 Heisman Trophy winner and former Nebraska quarterback, will earn ESPN $1,200 — the highest price being paid for 30 seconds of Pro Bowl time — and could be seen by as many as 10,000 viewers.

Crouch, who most recently suited up for Team Texas of the now-defunct All-American Football League and will appear in the commercial with his mom, sees the spot as an opportunity to get out a message he believes in very deeply.

"I am hoping to use whatever celebrity I have to share this with America," said Crouch. "I hope it can open minds and save lives."

That message? No one really knows.

"I was given a copy of the commercial to review," said Linard. "But when I saw Eric Crouch was in it, I turned it off right away. Who knows what it's about. And, God willing, I'll never know."

These are the people who will be cheering on the Colts in Super Bowl XLIV:

"Honey, I think we had a bye this week."

Unbeknownst to their father, the boys were far more interested in figure skating.

When games get stressful, Blue the Mascot can always relax with some manual stimulation.

indianapolis.metromix.com/content_image/full/871911/560/370">At center is the hottest woman in the state of Indiana.

Hours later, the little girl shot her brother to death.

New Jersey's only Colts bar.

Celebrating after another night of getting plowed by the Colts' offensive line.

This is one of only 75,000 like it in the state of Indiana.

Even cocker spaniels love the Colts.

He got this for being the team's only black fan.

A Colts fan poses with backup quarterback Jim Sorgi.

"Perfect, son. Now Marvin Harrison won't be able to see you to shoot you."

Colts fans are adorable when their dreams are crushed.

There is a lot more than the Lombardi Trophy on the line next Sunday. There are also some 12,000 homeless people up for grabs, too.

A friendly Super Bowl wager between the mayors of New Orleans and Indianpolis means more than 10,000 homeless will find a new "home" based on the outcome of Super Bowl XLIV. New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin and Indianapolis Mayor Greg Ballard placed the bet on Thursday, and the losing city will be sent the winner’s entire homeless population.

“We wanted to make a meaningful bet,” said Nagin. “None of this: ‘We’ll give you New Orleans gumbo if we lose and you give us … whatever Indianapolis has if we win' crap. That’s been done a thousand times before and it’s all meaningless. We wanted to make a bet with some consequence.”

While Ballard originally had the idea of swapping wives, he says he thinks Nagin's idea has more political upside.

“Can this city support or afford to take on the influx of 12,000 homeless people bussed up here from New Orleans?” posed Ballard. “Of course not. That would decimate our resources and our streets would be choked with the urine-soaked rift raft. But we’re four-point favorites. That's almost a lock. I’ve already started loading up our homeless into garbage trucks to ship them down there. I’m going to become governor off of this bet. Maybe even senator.”

Nagin acknowledges his Saints are underdogs, but feels the risk is worth taking.

"With the economy the way it is, the homeless population is only going to keep rising," he said. "So this is my shot to get a clean start. If the Saints lose and we get all the Indianapolis homeless? Hey, no harm no foul. They can all huddle together for warmth.”

Muskrat Mike, a vagabond who has roamed the streets of New Orleans for 20 years, says he would welcome a change of scenery and hopes the Saints win so he can be shipped off to Indianapolis.

“The world is a big place. There are so many more park benches to sleep on, so many more stairs to cower under during a rain storm,” said Muskrat Mike. “I want to get out of New Orleans. But I don’t know if I can leave because of the microchip the government put in my brain. In my brain! The government is trying to kill us all! Conspiracy! Conspiracy! Conspiracy!” he added, reaching into his pants to fling a log of feces at a passerby.

Florida quarterback and 2007 Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow wowed scouts at the Senior Bowl in Mobile today when he showed off a picture of an aborted, third trimesterfetus.

Before engaging in seven-on-seven passing drills, Tebow took a moment to address scouts personally.

“I know that a lot of people have derided my footwork, and my throwing mechanics,” said Tebow, who holds every major SEC passing record, yet cannot throw a football without both his feet leaving the ground.“But, before you judge me as a football player, I’d like to show you this.”Tebow then unveiled a color photograph of a bloodyfetushe named “Julia”.

“Look at her,” said Tebow.“She has fingernails, fingers, toes.She can even cough, just like you and I.Now you look at this picture and tell me I can’t help a team in the NFL.”

Scouts were blown away by Tebow’s display.Said one anonymous scout for an AFC team, “I thought he threw the ball like a man with Bell’s Palsy, but then I realized what a good person he is.It really opened my eyes.We should totally draft him now.”

Other scouts agreed.“I had originally clocked Tebow at 5.1 in the 40.But then he talked about how his own mother refused to abort him, even though doctors warned her she might die from complications.What a fine example this young man sets for us all.I’m totally changing his 40 time to 4.6 now.That’s definite first round material, right there.”

Scouts also noticed that their opinions of Tebow’s footwork, which is sloppier than a Manwich, wildly improved the more Tebow discussed introducing death row inmates to the power of evangelical Christianty.“Usually, I watch Tebow play and all I can think, ‘Oh, God.He’s like Rick Mirer, only slower,’” said one NFC scout.“But this guy has such courage in his convictions.How can you not draft a guy like that?”

Scouts also watched as Tebow bench pressed 225 pounds six times.“Normally, for QB’s, that fairly average,” said the scout.“But when you think about all those starving kids in Malaysia he’s helped introduce to the power of his Lord and savior Jesus Christ, my goodness he certainly FELT stronger than all the other QBs out there.”

“I may not agree with his views,” said the scout, “But I respect the hell out of him.You talk about a leader.That’s why I’m going to totally shave an extra tenth of a second off his lousy shuttle run time.For Julia.”

According to a Cardinals source, backup quarterback Matt Leinart will announce on Friday that he plans to enter rehab. The announcement will come a few minutes after starting quarterback Kurt Warner announces his retirement.

"Oh, what? Seriously, bro? The old man's quitting?" said a noticeably groggy Leinart on the phone today, picking up after fifteen rings. "Do you know if they want me to play? Sh!t. I was not expecting this. I have no idea where my football is."

If Warner does retire, as expected, the starting job would likely fall to Leinart — the team's first round pick in 2006. But that's only if he can quickly change his lifestyle around and focus on football.

"We need to get him into rehab immediately," said the source, not specifying what kind of rehab. "A little bit of everything. Booze, weed, sex, having stupid friends. You name it. He basically needs to go to a de-douchebagification camp for a while. And then when he comes back, we'll see if there's a quarterback left there."

Leinart says he is motivated to do whatever needs to be done.

"I don't like being a punchline. I want to have success in the NFL," he said. "And starters get way hotter girls. I just need to have one good game to prove everyone wrong and then I can go back to living it up Matty Leinart style. You think coach will let my boy Nick Lachey play receiver? We have sweet chemistry."

The Indianapolis Colts are in the Super Bowl. Chances are they have a head coach. Who is this guy? Here are some facts about … about … it says here "Jim Caldwell."

Jim Caldwell was born January 16, 1955 in Beloit, Wisconsin. The Caldwell was one of the most advanced robots created by the U.S. military during the Cold War.

Caldwell was a four-year starter at defensive back at Iowa from 1973 to 1976. Few other details are known, but we can probably assume it was very much like Tony Dungy's collegiate career at Minnesota. But more boring.

After taking a job as a graduate assistant at Iowa in 1977, Caldwell went to Southern Illinois, Northwestern, Colorado, Louisville and then settled at Penn State from 1986 to 1992 as quarterbacks coach. His greatest accomplishment at Penn State was building Kerry Collins into a pro quarterback and teaching him "Beer before liquor, never sicker. Liquor before beer, in the clear."

Caldwell was head coach at Wake Forest from 1993 to 2000, compiling a 26-63 record, one winning season and never finishing better than 3-5 in the ACC. Despite the lack of success, Caldwell has said his Wake Forest teams remind him a lot of the Indianapolis Colts, only without Peyton Manning.

While his tenure at Wake Forest was a disaster, the Demon Deacons were ranked among the nation's Top 25 teams in passing offense on four different occasions in eight years, including 10th in the NCAA in 1995 when quarterback Rusty LaRue established seven NCAA passing records. Today Rusty LaRue serves as … I don't know. Probably the name for some kind of disgusting sex act. I'd Google it, but I just ate lunch.

Caldwell joined the Tampa Bay Buccaneers staff in 2001 as quarterbacks coach and followed Tony Dungy to Indianapolis in 2002. He was named associate head coach of the Colts on January 21, 2008. As associate head coach, he served as Tony Dungy's right hand man. But not in a gay way.

Caldwell and his wife have four children: Jim 2.0, Jim 3.0, Jim 4.0 and Natalie.

Hey, everybody.

It's Adrian Peterson. Running back for the Chicago Bears.

How are you all enjoying the NFL playoffs? Fun? Entertaining?

Well, f**k you all. I bet you're not enjoying them as much as I am.

And, yes, when I said "f**k you all" I meant you specifically. You. Reading this right now. F**k you. I don't mean "you" in the general. Well, I do. But also specifically you. F**k you.

Oh, please. Don't look at me like that. I'm not stupid. I know you've made those lame "he's the BAD Adrian Peterson" jokes for the last few years. Hilarious! They almost went over my head but then I figured it out — I SHARE THE SAME NAME AS THE ADRIAN PETERSON ON THE VIKINGS! Clever! And he was considered an elite running back so — Alacazam! — I became a punchline. Wow. You are a comedic genius. Really. You should go on tour, f**kface.

Well, who's the joke now?

You're big into stats, right? You love all the gaudy rushing totals the Vikings' Adrian Peterson puts up. Well here are some stats:

My career yards per carry average: 4.1

His career average for fumbles in an NFC Championship Game: 3.0

F**k. You.

Ask anyone in football this question: Game on the line. Late in the game. You need to run out the clock and can't turn the ball over. Which Adrian Peterson would you feel more comfortable handing the ball to?

Easy answer. It's me.

F**k you all. He's the punchline now, not me. Go f**k yourselves. Use one of the footballs that Adrian Peterson of the Vikings fumbled. There are plenty to go around.

Sincerely,

Adrian Peterson (the "good" one)

WINNERS

1. Awesomeness — There are things that make you feel lucky to be alive. Like … I don't know. I guess some people would say witnessing the birth of a child. I'm not sure I'd agree. I doubt that compares to a season-ending Brett Favre interception. Maybe if my child was born and then thrown through the air by Brett Favre into the waiting arms of a defensive back in the waning moments of a playoff game. And I would hope that defensive back is also a nurse. Because I'm not a monster.

2. Garrett Hartley — Finally. A kicker made a kick. The interesting thing about Hartley is that he missed the first four games of the season due to a suspension for using an illegal substance. He says he took Adderall to stay awake on a drive from Dallas to New Orleans. I guess we have to believe him. But I had no idea kickers slept. I thought they were like hummingbirds or those little teacup dogs. You know, their hearts beat about 1,000 times a second and they just shake until their life mercifully ends one day when their heart explodes. But apparently they're like normal people. They probably even have a feelings, too. Which is good news, because now heckling them will be that much more fun.

3. Mark Sanchez — Not a bad showing in the playoffs, Mr. Sanchez. You proved a lot of people wrong — including your old college coach who thought you were stupid for going pro. Shows what he knows. That guy needs to stay far, far away from the pro game, am I right? Oh? Really? The Seattle Seahawks? Yeah, still not really the NFL.

4. Sears — The first commercial that ran after the Saints won was the Sears/Favre commercial in which the salesman implies he might not go to Miami and Favre says: "What's that supposed to mean?" Awesome. [It's supposed to mean you suck in the playoffs, Brett.] Couldn't have been better timing. I will now shop at Sears exclusively for schadenfreude. They earned it.

5. Adrian Peterson — No, not that one. The bad one. The one on the Bears. Who is … I guess … now the good one? Weird.

LOSERS

1. Jay Feely — Jay Feely seemed to have his career turned around. But you can't be an a—hole without karma inevitably sticking it to you.

2. Revis Island — Revis Island remains the untainted paradise we've all heard about. But the problem is you have to travel through some absolute slums to get to Revis Island — namely, the rest of the Jets' secondary. It reminds me of the one time I went on vacation to St. Thomas. Driving from the airport to the resort in the resort shuttle, I was surprised by all the poverty and felt bad about being there to enjoy myself. It kind of ruined the resort for me. Until I had my first rum runner. Then I was cool with it.

3. Kim Kardashian — Where were you on Sunday? Did you learn nothing at media whore finishing school? Your guy is playing in the NFC Championship Game before tens of millions of people and you're nowhere to be found? You let one deranged, lovestruck stalker keep you away? It's good you're not the football player. Guys like Brett Favre have to deal with entire media rooms full of deranged, lovestruck stalkers every week.

4. America — On Twitter there are things called Trending Topics. They show the 10 most talked about things on Twitter at any given moment. During Sunday's NFC Championship Game, "Farve" was a Trending Topic through almost the entire game. Even above "Brett Favre". Really. "Farve". America: You are retarded. (No, don't worry. That didn't offend anyone. As no one can read.)

5. America — You know why we love those Brett Favre interceptions so much? Because they give us strength to get through the rest of the year. Here's Favre before the NFC Championship Game to FOX's Pam Oliver on retiring: "Even if I do [know], and I probably do know, I wouldn't say." Oh. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha. Ha. Ha-ha. Ha. Please fall off your tractor and into the blades.

Tim Tebow is under the watchful eye of NFL scouts at the Senior Bowl. One scout gave SportsPickle access to his notes on the former Florida star.