Chances are you’ll host or attend a Super Bowl party on Sunday. And chances also are approximately 97.8-percent of the people in attendance will know absolutely nothing about football.
Not a problem!
Just pass out copies of this handy Super Bowl cheat sheet, and soon all your guests will be talking football as expertly as any ex-jock (who has suffered multiple concussions).
>>> SOME CONVERSATION TIPS <<<
Don’t Question: “Why do we care what Tim Tebow thinks about a complex issue like abortion?”
Instead, Announce: “I guess it really is a shame when something dies before it ever even comes to life…like Tebow’s career as a pro quarterback!”
Don’t Wager: On the outcome of the game. You can’t win. Vegas is too good.
Instead, Bet: On the outcome of the coin flip. People will tell you it’s random chance, but heads is a lock this year.
Don’t Say: “Why is the Who playing the halftime show? Isn’t Pete Townsend a registered sex offender?”
Instead, Announce: “God, I hope this means next year’s halftime show will just be a series of short films by Roman Polanski.”
Don't Say: "The Colts' pass defense doesn't look very good."
Instead, Jeer: "A cover-two? What is this, 1997?" Don't worry about what this means. Only three or four people in the country know what a cover-two defense really is, and the chances of one of them being at your party are infinitesimally small.
Don’t Ask:“Who is winning?”
Instead, Look:At the screen and figure it out yourself. It’s somewhere on there. No, not that. That’s the game clock. And no, over there is little promo thing for a CBS show. And below that are game stats. And above that is just random scribbles on the screen done by an apparently drunk announcer with a telestrator. You know what? Just wait until the end of the game. They’ll probably announce the score then.
Don’t Say:“I just watch the game for the commercials.”
Instead, Say:Nothing! Keep your trap shut! You might talk over the commercials!
>>> KNOW THE KEY PLAYERS <<<
Peyton Manning: You know, one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time. Not ringing any bells? Number 18 on the Colts. The blue and white team. Okay, fine: the guy with the giant forehead from all of the commercials. Yep, he plays football, too!
Archie Manning: Mediocre former Saints QB who has sired two Super-Bowl-winning sons. A powerful reminder that even if you are a loser, your semen could be destined for great things.
Drew Brees: The Saints’ star quarterback who’s helped rebuild New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina. Not just metaphorically, either. He spends the entire offseason hanging sheetrock in the Lower Ninth Ward. Heckuva job, Breesy!
Reggie Bush: The Saints’ nimble pass-catching, kick-returning running back. You may know him as the boyfriend with whom Kim Kardashian hasn’t released a sex tape. Yet.
Sean Payton: The Saints’ brilliant, exhausted-looking head coach. To be fair, you’d tired, too, if you hadn’t slept in five months. At this point, the only things keeping Payton alive are Mountain Dew and voodoo.
The football: Brown, oblong. It's the thing you were sometimes pelted with in elementary school. Remember now? Yeah, all that therapy didn't completely remove it from your memory.
Jim Caldwell: The Colts’ alleged head coach, Caldwell actually just lets Manning run the team while he enjoys a soothing loop of Air Supply’s greatest hits on his headset. Look for Indy to run their vaunted “All Out of Love 37” blitz at some point during the game.
Dwight Freeney’s ankle ligament: A torn piece of connective tissue attached to a very large, very fast man who will be wearing blue and white.
Jeremy Shockey: The guy on the Saints’ sideline who looks like he should be singing in a Nickelback cover band. Occasionally plays tight end, too, while looking like a guy in a Nickelback cover band wearing a helmet.
Garrett Hartley and Matt Stover: These are the kickers on each team. Only two of four guys on the field who don’t appear to think steroids is a major food group. (The other two are the punters.) You won’t need to know their names … unless one of them misses a potentially game-winning kick at the end of the game. Then that guy will become a national punchline and you’ll want to get in on the fun.
Guacamole: Popular Mexican avocado-based dip likely to be the only interesting thing about this game after the first quarter. Try it on a tortilla chip!
>>> WHAT TO LOOK FOR <<<
When the Colts have the ball: The announcing team to talk about how great Peyton Manning is.
When the Saints have the ball: The announcing team to talk about how great Peyton Manning is.
When no one has the ball: Commercials featuring Peyton Manning.
>>> HOT TOPIC OF DEBATE <<<
Peyton Manning’s frantic hand gestures before each snap. Some say he’s communicating with teammates to change the play. Others, that he’s sending sign-language messages to a deaf girlfriend in the stands. Either way, they result in touchdowns. And meet him at the airport Hilton. Room 528. He’s staying under the name “Unitas”, baby.
>>> ODDS <<<
Odds of Both Super Bowl Teams Prominently Featuring Guys Named “Pierre”: Approximately 1,000,000,000,000:1
Odds of Both Super Bowl Teams Prominently Featuring Guys Named “Reggie”: Approximately 1:1.
>>> ETIQUETTE TIP <<<
If someone refers to the Colts as “the Baltimore Colts,” don’t correct them. They’re probably very old and will croak soon, and nobody wants to put a know-it-all in their will.
>>> BY THE NUMBERS <<<
$3.01 Million: Price of a 30-second Super Bowl ad
94%: Probability that Kim Kardashian’s ass gets permanently stuck in a stadium seat
4: Number of times your dad will call to ask what a GoDaddy is
6 hours: Length of time Tony Romo will weep uncontrollably after hearing Carrie Underwood’s national anthem
45%: Likelihood that Drew Brees’ birthmark is really just a cheap ploy to draw attention away from the fact that he’s balding.
0%: Chance the game will be worth two weeks of hype.
February 5, 2010 Column
Tweet of the Week
Tweet of the Week
From @Lfitzgerald11 AKA Arizona Cardinals wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald
(Tweeted less than 25 hours before the Pro Bowl the game he pulled out of with a "knee injury".)
The media conglomerate run by NFL star Chad Ochocinco, Ocho Cinco News Network, has come under fire recently from fellow journalists claiming that OCNN deliberately shies away from key news stories.
“Not one. Not one news story critical of President Obama or his administration has aired on OCNN,” Fox News personality Glenn Beck told viewers on his show today. “Meanwhile our republic heads ever closer to destruction because OCNN and the rest of the mainstream media isn’t serving the public.”
OCNN was started in October 2009 by Ochocinco as a way to communicate directly to his fans. Since then OCNN has expanded during a time of media cutbacks, and now reports on such topics as what Ochocinco did last Saturday night, how Ray Rice felt after seeing “The Blind Side,” and what kind of sexual positions Chris Cooley and his wife use most. The network is soon expected to pass CNN and MSNBC in ratings. But other members of the press are starting to expect more.
Radio commentator Rush Limbaugh has said OCNN’s growth is due “social concern.”
“The media has been very desirous that a black wide receiver do well in its business,” Limbaugh told listeners.
But it isn’t just conservative members of the media that are publicly calling out OCNN for its journalistic failings. MSNBC correspondent Keith Olbermann spoke out Wednesday night on his show.
“Chad Ochocinco, sir – if that is even your name, sir,” railed Olbermann. “You have within your power to help bring change that this country desperately needs. Health care, sir. Gay marriage, sir. And an immigration policy that serves the many people in this country that share your Mexican background. There are two unjust wars being waged, sir. Or do you not care to have Pat Tillman’s blood on your hands?”
Ochocinco has been uncharacteristically silent on the criticism. His most recent Twitter update read, “@tammytorres roses are red violets are blue no more being lonely now I have youPOWTHAT WAS SO CORNY”.
If EA Sports is right, the Indianapolis Colts will hoist the Lombardi Trophy at the end of Super Bowl XLIV.
Using a video game simulation of Super Bowl XLIV with their football franchiseMadden NFL, the publisher predicts the Colts will defeat the New Orleans Saints 37-31 thanks to a crushing Drew Brees interception returned for a touchdown in the final minute. The turnover will be the fifth and final one by the Saints in a game that seemed destined they would lose, no matter how well they played.
"The Saints put forth a valiant effort with some flawless play-calling and outstanding execution," said EA spokesman Brian Noll. "But it seemed the computer had it in for them. You know how that is sometimes."
Brees' first interception of the game came on New Orleans' opening drive when the Saints went 64 yards to the Colts' 18-yard line in four plays. On the very next play, Brees spotted Marques Colston breaking open on a post pattern near the end zone and let the ball go. But, seemingly out of nowhere, Colts linebacker Gary Brackett leaped high into the air and caught the ball one-handed even though it was being thrown 12 yards downfield past him.
"A very impressive play. Almost inconceivable," said EA's Noll. "But guys step up in the Super Bowl."
The Colts responded three plays later. After being shut down for a total of two yards on their first two plays, Pierre Garcon caught the ball on a slant pattern and bowled over five Saints defenders on the way to an 86-yard touchdown.
The Saints then fumbled the ensuing kickoff, setting the Colts up for a 14-0 lead on a Peyton Manning touchdown pass that was lasered in to Reggie Wayne between three Saints' defenders in blanket coverage. Manning also appeared to have been hit a good second before he released the ball, but the blow did not affect the ball's perfect flight. New Orleans stormed back after that thanks to some determined play and eventually tied the score 31-31 but it was not meant to be.
"They had to know the computer wasn't going to let them win," said Noll. "It was that kind of game."
Brees' final interception came as New Orleans was driving into field goal range for a game-winning kick. At Indianapolis' 33-yard-line, Brees rolled out to his left and hit a wide open Reggie Bush on a screen pass. But the pass unexpectedly caromed off Bush high into the air, where it landed in the arms of Indianapolis' Jerraud Powers, who ran it back 70 yards for the game's decisive score as time expired.
"Even for a classic Madden computer screw job, it was hard to watch," said Noll.
Every non-sports fan knows the Super Bowl is about the commercials. And everyone knows that the measure of a good commercial is how memorable it is.
Here are ten Super Bowl commercials from the past that achieved the goal of being memorable. Terribly memorable.
#10 – CareerBuilder.com (2008)
Ohmigod! Is that what women keep in there?! Gross! Now we’re glad we’ve never gotten that far with a girl.
#9: Outpost.com (1998)
Fun Fact: After this commercial aired, 20-percent of the audience bought a Mc D.L.T, 25-percent continued watching the game, and 55-percent had sex with a head of lettuce.
#7 Dirt Devil (1997)
Using Fred Astaire footage to sell a vacuum. Classy! Still, though, it could have been worse. We’re probably not too far away from Ginger Rogers starring in a GoDaddy commercial.
#6 – GM (2007)
Ha-ha! Suicide RULZ! Hopefully this ad didn’t give ideas to anyone who owns GM stock.
#5 – Noxzema (1973)
Too subtle. Way too subtle. “Cream your face.” What’s that supposed to mean? Are we talking about shaving cream or a sex act with an attractive woman? Good advertising needs to be clear, not milky.
#4 – E-Trade (2000)
TMZ is reporting that Colts quarterback Peyton Manning and several members of his entourage were arrested early this morning after one of them opened fire inside a Miami gentleman’s club. The incident occurred at 3:25 AM at King of Diamonds, a club located near South Beach.
According to witnesses, the incident started when members of Manning’s posse exchanged words with another group of men, reportedly over a woman. Within minutes, the words escalated to pushing and shoving and shots were fired resulting in a “mini-riot” as patrons rushed to the exit.
Several witnesses reported that a member of Manning’s posse did the shooting at the urging of Manning himself.
“There was all this pushing and shoving and Manning was standing off to the side screaming things like ‘Kick his ass’ and ‘Fk him up!’” said a bartender who works at the club. “Then somebody threw a bottle off his head so he grabbed one of his boys and was like ‘Take ‘em out!’ and that’s when the guy started shooting.”
After the initial shot was fired, patrons began rushing for the exits, creating a chaotic and frightening scene. The conflict continued outside with more pushing and shoving and several shots fired.
“It was a nightmare. Everybody was trying to get out at the same time,” said one witness. “Then, you get out to the parking lot and it’s still going on. And it’s all Manning. He’s orchestrating the whole thing. He’s like ‘Yo, take out that motherfker! Put him down!’ Then he was kicking and punching guys who were on the ground. I mean, I never took him for a real violent guy, but I guess this is what happens when you can’t handle your liquor.”
As cruisers and EMT’s arrived on the scene, Manning strutted around the parking lot, gesturing to the crowd and urging them to cheer him on.
“It was like the WWE,” said one witness. “He was walking around with his hand to his ear saying ‘Let me here it! Let me here it, motherfkers!’ And, of course, everybody was cheering him on, even though he’s a thug. It was a real pathetic scene. Thankfully, I captured the whole thing on my cell phone. You can see it on TMZ.com today.Myvideo! And my mother never thought I’d amount to anything.”
Cops arrested Manning and several members of his entourage. He was released on bail this morning and issued a statement through his agent:
“I am sorry for the embarrassment I have brought to the organization. I hope I have not caused too much of a distraction for my teammates. While I am innocent of any wrongdoing, I do take responsibility for putting myself in that situation in the first place and vow to be more careful about who I associate with in the future. And just to clarify, I can handle my liquor. I think someone just slipped something into my drink. If they are still alive, I hope they are prosecuted.”
Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning had a special treat for his team today before practice, letting a man who has worked behind the scenes for the team for many years address the players.
"Fellas, before we go out to practice today," said Manning. "I want us all to remember that many people helped get us here to the Super Bowl. And I don't think we should forget them. So I'd like to have one of those people speak to you today."
Manning then called a man forward and put his arm around him.
"Many of you probably recognize the man here beside me," said the quarterback. "He's not just the kindly black man we pass in the halls or see in the locker room. He does an important job for the Colts. What's your job, Jim? It is Jim, right?"
"Yes, it's Jim. And I'm the head coach," said Caldwell.
"Ha! Good one!" Manning said, slapping Caldwell's back. "Who else here knew that this guy was so funny? Well, Jim, the floor is yours. You have the players' attention."
Caldwell stepped forward, cleared his throat and quietly and nervously spoke.
"This is very exciting for me," he said. "I've thought about this opportunity for a long time."
He then launched into a list of areas he wanted the team to work on in practice and even started writing a play idea on the locker room whiteboard.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Manning eventually interrupted, cutting the man off. "Let's stay in our lane, buddy. Back to the mail room or wherever it is you work."
After Caldwell left, Manning apologized to his team.
"Sorry that got a little awkward," he said. "But I just wanted to remind you that we're playing for all of the employees in this organization. Even the ones with seemingly pointless, menial jobs. And I think that guy showed how important we are to him. Drawing up a play. Hilarious!"
Several Colts players say that if they are fortunate enough to take a big lead in the Super Bowl, they may even run the man's play.
"How often has a team run a play drawn up by a janitor in the Super Bowl?" said center Jeff Saturday. "It would be a cool story."
These are the people who will be cheering on the New Orleans Saints in Super Bowl XXIV:
New Orleans Saints backup quarterback Mark Brunell had his teammates doubled over with laughter when he did his famous Peyton Manning impression at practice today.
"Oh, man! Mark! Mark! Do that one again where you throw an incompletion, wrinkle your face all up and then yell to the coaches something about the receiver running the wrong route," requested Saints safety Darren Sharper.
Brunell immediately complied, throwing a pass behind a scout team receiver, slumping his shoulders and storming off the field, angrily gesturing towards the intended receiver.
"Aaaaahhhhh! So funny, man. So funny!" yelled Sharper. "Stop. I'm going to pull something laughing. Just stop!"
Brunell next ran a series in which he audibled out of every play he was told to run by head coach Sean Payton.
"Run the plays I give you!" yelled Payton. "We need to prepare our defense for what Indianapolis runs."
But Brunell insisted he was checking to better plays and used a folksy drawl for added effect. Payton didn't laugh, however, and only became more enraged when Brunell stopped him to take a fake phone call from his "little brother".
"No, Eli. Mommy is not being mean to you," said Brunell. "It's not good to eat glue."
As more Saints broke into laughter around him, Payton said he understands that Brunell is doing Manning and that he appreciates the skill to pull it off.
"I'm just not that big into people who do impressions. It's not all that funny to me," said Payton. "Like, Frank Caliendo. Eh. Doesn't do it for me. You know what I would like? If Brunell could actually throw like Peyton Manning. Then we wouldn't be screwed if Drew Brees ever gets hurt."