We all know the score. But who really won and lost this week?
1. Tracy Porter The Saints defensive back intercepted Brett Favre at the end of the NFC Championship Game and he intercepted Peyton Manning at the end of the Super Bowl. Why is this man intent on breaking the hearts of our nation's most revered quarterbacking heroes? And when will he complete the trifecta by spilling wine on Tom Brady's favorite Dolce & Gabbana ascot?
2. CBS cameramen Vegas set the over/under on camera shots of Archie Manning during the game at 4.5. The over/under on camera shots of Kim Kardashian was 2.5. Finally tally? One shot of Mr. Manning, zero of Kim Kardashian. It's obvious the CBS crew put money on the under. They should be prosecuted for conspiracy and sent to jail. And then the person responsible for scheduling The Who should be executed.
3. Ringo Starr You are the oldest living "rocker" who has yet to perform at the Super Bowl. Now don't go dying on us before next year's Super Bowl. (Not as though that would prevent you from outperforming The Who.)
4. Google Best ad of the Super Bowl? It's at least up there.
Can't wait to see the extended version when he Googles "cures for gonorrhea", "DNA tests for babies", "How to prove you're being cheated on", and finally: "Hit men for hire in Paris".
5. college basketball Football is over. Now the casual sports fan can start paying more attention to college hoops. Hey, is defending national champion North Carolina ranked No. 1 this year again? Really? They lost by 21? To Maryland? And they've lost to NINE other schools?! Including the College of Charleston? Okay, now you're just making stuff up.
1. my friend Kevin He doesn't follow football. He came to my Super Bowl party. I came up with the idea for a drinking game that required him to take a shot every time the name "Pierre" was mentioned during the broadcast. A few Pierre Thomas runs and Pierre Garcon catches later, he was in bad shape. He did not make it to work today.
2. old people Colts kicker Matt Stover, the oldest player to ever play in a Super Bowl at age 42, missed a crucial field goal. And then there was The Who. Yikes. If this was The Who that Horton heard, he would have dropped the clover on the ground, crushed it with his elephant weight, then eaten it, digested it, defecated it back onto the ground and then crushed it again just to make sure they never made another sound.
3. Peyton Manning It's a good thing Peyton Manning has that one Super Bowl victory or he would be looked at as perhaps the biggest choker in sports history. It's also a good thing the United State has that World War II victory or we would all be speaking German right now. And just think how much meaner it would sound if we were yelling "YOU ARE A CHOKER!" at Peyton Manning in German. "SIE SIND STEHKRAGEN!"
4. San Diego Chargers Former Chargers draft pick Eli Manning has a Super Bowl title. Former Chargers quarterback Drew Brees has a Super Bowl title. The road to the Super Bowl truly goes through San Diego.
5. non-Saints fans This looks like quite a good time. SHOW US YOUR TITleS!
Sunday nights are usually a great night for television. But last night everyone watched the Super Bowl instead. Wondering what you missed around the dial? Wonder no more.
“The Biggest Loser” on NBC– The contestant who lost the most weight earned a cash prize. The contestant who stayed the fattest earned a much larger cash prize in the form of an NFL contract to play offensive line for the Saints.
“America’s Funniest Home Videos” on ABC– This week’s episode features hilarious football bloopers and interceptions caught on home video of the Manning boys growing up.
“The Simpsons” on FOX– Not sure what the episode was about. But it had to be less disappointing than the Coca-Cola ad starring Mr. Burns that ran during the Super Bowl.
“CSI: Miami” on A&E– The Super Bowl was played in Miami. Celebrities and professional athletes have been there for two weeks. No doubt there is a lot of crime to investigate.
“Dances With Wolves” on AMC– Kevin Costner delivers the worst acting job of the night (excluding that guy who tried to play the Colts’ head coach).
“Puppy Bowl VI” on Animal Planet– This game also ended when a pure bred threw a terrible interception.
“Jeff Dunham: Arguing with Myself” on Comedy Central– Featuring his best wooden dummy: Eli Manning.
“Keeping Up with the Kardashians” on E!– Kim Kardashian was at the Super Bowl, but this was the show to watch if you wanted conversations even more vapid than the stuff football announcers say to each other.
poker on ESPN2– Probably with this scrolling at the bottom of the screen: “… WTF is wrong with you? … Seriously …The Super Bowl is on …”
“Big Love” on HBO– Bill holds a Super Bowl party and invites only family. More than 300 people show up, it’s raided by the Feds, a dead body is found in the punch and Margene gets pregnant. Pretty tame for a "Big Love" episode. You missed nothing.
“To Catch a Predator” on MSNBC– Umm, he’s right there. Just turn the channel to the Super Bowl. There’s Pete Townshend. Grab him.
“I Love Lucy” on Hallmark– This was scheduled for the dozen or so living viewers so old they can’t even enjoy The Who.
“Law & Order” on TNT– Of course it was.
“Titanic” on TBS– If only they had put a Colts logo on the ship, it would have been quite a metaphor.
A scientific survey conducted after Tim Tebow's anti-abortion ad aired during the Super Bowl showed that the spot was remarkably convincing to male viewers. In fact, 99-percent of males said it convinced them to never have an abortion.
"No way. That's a human life. A human life that could grow into a star quarterback," said one survey respondent. "I don't care what a doctor said or how inconvenient it might be, I would give birth to my baby. And then I would find a great woman to raise it."
Prior to the ad airing, most male viewers said they were mixed on the issue of abortion, with a majority saying "it wasn't really up to them." But by the time the 30-second spot ended, those viewpoints had drastically changed.
"I don't know. They made some good points," said a survey participant. "And since we don't really know exactly when life begins, shouldn't we err on the side of preventing abortions. Also, who wouldn't want to have a baby with Tim Tebow's mom? She was pretty hot for an older lady."
Only one male viewer who was surveyed said the ad made them support abortion.
"I'm a dude. If I had a baby in me, I would want to cut it out ASAP," he said. "That's freaky. Why would I keep it? Gross, man. I'd get rid of it before the government started doing all kinds of weird tests on me."
The survey also found that the Tebow commercial had zero impact on female viewers.
For the first time since Super Bowl XII the Super Bowl MVP will be shared. In 1978 Randy White and Harvey Martin of the Dallas Cowboys shared the award, and now the left and right nuts of New Orleans Saints' head coach Sean Payton have earned the honor.
"They stepped up huge for us," said Saints quarterback Drew Brees, who threw for 288 yards and two touchdowns in the win. "They don't get a lot of attention because they're hidden inside his pants, but we couldn't have won without them."
Despite being smaller than every player on the field at just 140 pounds apiece, Payton's testicles proved the difference in the game by calling for an onside kick to open the second half. This after going for it on 4th-and-goal and failing late in the second half. The Saints recovered the kick and scored their first touchdown of the game, taking the lead in the game.
"I don't know which one of them called for it, or if they made the decision together," said Saints tight end Jeremy Shockey. "But I wanted to hug his entire scrotum after we got the kick."
Indianapolis head coach Jim Caldwell said he could only tip his cap to Payton's nuts.
"We prepared for Drew Brees, we prepared for their running backs and receivers," he said. "But we couldn't contain his balls. They overwhelmed us."
With their newfound notoriety, Payton's testicles are expected to have numerous endorsement and adult film opportunities. But they are first headed to Disney World.
"My wife and I are taking a much needed vacation," said Payton. "My testicles still have some work to do."
SAINTS vs. COLTS (-5)
There's nothing that can be added to any analysis of these teams or this game at this point after two weeks of hype. Instead, let's take a look at some of the prop bets you should bet on.
Peyton Manning total passing yards will be an
Odd number (-115) / Even number (-115) Have you seen Peyton Manning? Dude is odd. Very odd. Any time you have a chance to put money on his oddness, do it.
Total pass attempts by Peyton Manning
Over 36.5 (-135) / Under 36.5 (+105) A Super Bowl is everything Peyton Manning has worked for his entire life. Do you honestly think he won't check to a passing play at every opportunity? That he won't much rather put the game in his hands over those of Joseph Addai or Goddammit Donald? This is an easy one.
Will Reggie Wayne score a TD in the game?
Yes (+110) / No (-140) He's Indianapolis' top receiver, they run a pass-happy offense and New Orleans' defense isn't all that great. Yes seems like a fairly safe pick. I just wish some sports book was offering odds on a Marvin Harrison Super Bowl TD. I could see him showing up and demanding one at gunpoint.
Total pass receiving yards by Jeremy Shockey
Over 28.5 (-135) / Under 28.5 (+105) This game could go either way. But there is one thing we know: Jeremey Shockey is a massive douchebag. He will do everything in his power to finish the game with 69 yards.
Team to make the most successful field goals in the game
Saints (+110) / Colts (-140) Garrett Hartley is a rookie. Matt Stover has been around longer and is the better kicker. So I'm taking him. Of course, saying a team will make the most successful field goals in a game doesn't say much for their chances of winning and is sort of a backhanded compliment. Like saying someone is a good kicker.
Will there be a safety in the game?
Yes (+800) / No (-1200) BOOM! Easy pick. I'm putting a fortune on this one. Have to be specific, Vegas, or seasoned gamblers like me will bankrupt you! Just because the safeties in this game will likely have receivers running right past them time and time again, does not mean they aren't safeties.
The coin toss will be
Heads (-115) / Tails (-115) Peyton Manning, Drew Brees. In a game featuring massive foreheads, it's likely the game will open Heads, too.
How many times will CBS show Kim Kardashian during the game?
Over 2.5 (-135) / Under 2.5 (+105) I'm going over, assuming this includes shots of the top of her head or her from behind.
How many times will CBS show Archie Manning during the game?
Over 4.5 (-210) / Under 4.5 (+170) I'm going over, assuming this includes shots of the top of his head or him from behind. (Hey, a guy who was that bad in the NFL has to earn his constant praise from the media somehow.)
Oh, right. And the game itself
My pick: Saints (and to win)
If you have seen any coverage leading up to Super Bowl XLIV between the Colts and the Saints, you may have noticed that former Saints quarterback Archie Manning father of Colts' star Peyton has apparently become an NFL legend. One of the greats.
It doesn't matter what you watch, you'll hear that Archie is the former "star quarterback of the New Orleans Saints." Interesting. Because he was terrible in the NFL. A complete disaster. Yet 25 years after his NFL career ended HE'S SUDDENLY A LEGEND!
How did this happen? Take heart, fellow lousy NFLers! You, too, can one day re-write history and become a star. Just follow Archie's Five Steps to Becoming an NFL Legend!
STEP 1: Have a great college career
Having a great college career lays the groundwork. Your supporters will say that because you were great in college, you are, therefore, great wherever you go after that. You may ask: How is this possible? I am past this stage. I am already in the NFL! Exactly. You wouldn’t have made it to the NFL without having a great collegiate career. Congratulations! You already completed step one. Everyone in the NFL is Archie Manning.
STEP 2: Suck, but for a bad team
The hardest part of being seen as a great NFL player is being great in the NFL. It’s quite difficult. It’s much easier to blow. Really, really blow. Like Archie Manning-in-the-NFL blow. The kind of blowing that produces, in 14 seasons, 125 touchdowns, 173 interceptions, a 55.2 completion percentage and a career quarterback rating of 67.1.
Due to playing like this, your team will suck. But let everyone think that you are incapable of succeeding ONLY because you are surrounded by such poor talent. See the subtle difference there? Yes, Archie Manning led 12 years worth of terrible Saints teams. But it’s only because he never had any good players in all those years. He was the victim! His obvious greatness was thwarted by those around him!Makes sense, right?! But wouldn't a truly great player at some point have led his inferior teammates to better things? Ridiculous! You're ruining the narrative.
STEP 3: Have your wife squeeze out a few quarterbacks
They will be your legacy. Use the time other players –- good players spend in the playoffs to lay some pipe.
STEP 4: Become part of the media
Everyone knows the media will never criticize one of their own. They just think it’s cool to hang out with someone who actually played football. To them, you’re one of the greatest NFL players who ever lived because you know their name!
STEP 5: Get your kids to the NFL
Mentor, mentor, mentor. Try to coach out of them all the many natural failings you passed on through your genes. Only one of them needs to have real success. The other one can be a mediocre dim-wit who luckily stuck a football to a guy's helmet while he was running away from a tackler in terror. By having a kid or two in the NFL, your dumbest and laziest of media members and fans will just assume the patriarch of such a family MUST have been awesome himself!
Congratulations! You’ve done it! By completing these five steps, you have miraculously transformed your failed NFL career into that of a legend! At least in the mind of the sports media and general public.
Someone forward this on to JaMarcus Russell. You can DO this, big fella!
Chances are you’ll host or attend a Super Bowl party on Sunday. And chances also are approximately 97.8-percent of the people in attendance will know absolutely nothing about football.
Not a problem!
Just pass out copies of this handy Super Bowl cheat sheet, and soon all your guests will be talking football as expertly as any ex-jock (who has suffered multiple concussions).
>>> SOME CONVERSATION TIPS <<<
Don’t Question: “Why do we care what Tim Tebow thinks about a complex issue like abortion?”
Instead, Announce: “I guess it really is a shame when something dies before it ever even comes to life…like Tebow’s career as a pro quarterback!”
Don’t Wager: On the outcome of the game. You can’t win. Vegas is too good.
Instead, Bet: On the outcome of the coin flip. People will tell you it’s random chance, but heads is a lock this year.
Don’t Say: “Why is the Who playing the halftime show? Isn’t Pete Townsend a registered sex offender?”
Instead, Announce: “God, I hope this means next year’s halftime show will just be a series of short films by Roman Polanski.”
Don't Say: "The Colts' pass defense doesn't look very good."
Instead, Jeer: "A cover-two? What is this, 1997?" Don't worry about what this means. Only three or four people in the country know what a cover-two defense really is, and the chances of one of them being at your party are infinitesimally small.
Don’t Ask:“Who is winning?”
Instead, Look:At the screen and figure it out yourself. It’s somewhere on there. No, not that. That’s the game clock. And no, over there is little promo thing for a CBS show. And below that are game stats. And above that is just random scribbles on the screen done by an apparently drunk announcer with a telestrator. You know what? Just wait until the end of the game. They’ll probably announce the score then.
Don’t Say:“I just watch the game for the commercials.”
Instead, Say:Nothing! Keep your trap shut! You might talk over the commercials!
>>> KNOW THE KEY PLAYERS <<<
Peyton Manning: You know, one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time. Not ringing any bells? Number 18 on the Colts. The blue and white team. Okay, fine: the guy with the giant forehead from all of the commercials. Yep, he plays football, too!
Archie Manning: Mediocre former Saints QB who has sired two Super-Bowl-winning sons. A powerful reminder that even if you are a loser, your semen could be destined for great things.
Drew Brees: The Saints’ star quarterback who’s helped rebuild New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina. Not just metaphorically, either. He spends the entire offseason hanging sheetrock in the Lower Ninth Ward. Heckuva job, Breesy!
Reggie Bush: The Saints’ nimble pass-catching, kick-returning running back. You may know him as the boyfriend with whom Kim Kardashian hasn’t released a sex tape. Yet.
Sean Payton: The Saints’ brilliant, exhausted-looking head coach. To be fair, you’d tired, too, if you hadn’t slept in five months. At this point, the only things keeping Payton alive are Mountain Dew and voodoo.
The football: Brown, oblong. It's the thing you were sometimes pelted with in elementary school. Remember now? Yeah, all that therapy didn't completely remove it from your memory.
Jim Caldwell: The Colts’ alleged head coach, Caldwell actually just lets Manning run the team while he enjoys a soothing loop of Air Supply’s greatest hits on his headset. Look for Indy to run their vaunted “All Out of Love 37” blitz at some point during the game.
Dwight Freeney’s ankle ligament: A torn piece of connective tissue attached to a very large, very fast man who will be wearing blue and white.
Jeremy Shockey: The guy on the Saints’ sideline who looks like he should be singing in a Nickelback cover band. Occasionally plays tight end, too, while looking like a guy in a Nickelback cover band wearing a helmet.
Garrett Hartley and Matt Stover: These are the kickers on each team. Only two of four guys on the field who don’t appear to think steroids is a major food group. (The other two are the punters.) You won’t need to know their names … unless one of them misses a potentially game-winning kick at the end of the game. Then that guy will become a national punchline and you’ll want to get in on the fun.
Guacamole: Popular Mexican avocado-based dip likely to be the only interesting thing about this game after the first quarter. Try it on a tortilla chip!
>>> WHAT TO LOOK FOR <<<
When the Colts have the ball: The announcing team to talk about how great Peyton Manning is.
When the Saints have the ball: The announcing team to talk about how great Peyton Manning is.
When no one has the ball: Commercials featuring Peyton Manning.
>>> HOT TOPIC OF DEBATE <<<
Peyton Manning’s frantic hand gestures before each snap. Some say he’s communicating with teammates to change the play. Others, that he’s sending sign-language messages to a deaf girlfriend in the stands. Either way, they result in touchdowns. And meet him at the airport Hilton. Room 528. He’s staying under the name “Unitas”, baby.
>>> ODDS <<<
Odds of Both Super Bowl Teams Prominently Featuring Guys Named “Pierre”: Approximately 1,000,000,000,000:1
Odds of Both Super Bowl Teams Prominently Featuring Guys Named “Reggie”: Approximately 1:1.
>>> ETIQUETTE TIP <<<
If someone refers to the Colts as “the Baltimore Colts,” don’t correct them. They’re probably very old and will croak soon, and nobody wants to put a know-it-all in their will.
>>> BY THE NUMBERS <<<
$3.01 Million: Price of a 30-second Super Bowl ad
94%: Probability that Kim Kardashian’s ass gets permanently stuck in a stadium seat
4: Number of times your dad will call to ask what a GoDaddy is
6 hours: Length of time Tony Romo will weep uncontrollably after hearing Carrie Underwood’s national anthem
45%: Likelihood that Drew Brees’ birthmark is really just a cheap ploy to draw attention away from the fact that he’s balding.
0%: Chance the game will be worth two weeks of hype.
February 5, 2010 Column
Tweet of the Week
Tweet of the Week
From @Lfitzgerald11 AKA Arizona Cardinals wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald
(Tweeted less than 25 hours before the Pro Bowl the game he pulled out of with a "knee injury".)
The media conglomerate run by NFL star Chad Ochocinco, Ocho Cinco News Network, has come under fire recently from fellow journalists claiming that OCNN deliberately shies away from key news stories.
“Not one. Not one news story critical of President Obama or his administration has aired on OCNN,” Fox News personality Glenn Beck told viewers on his show today. “Meanwhile our republic heads ever closer to destruction because OCNN and the rest of the mainstream media isn’t serving the public.”
OCNN was started in October 2009 by Ochocinco as a way to communicate directly to his fans. Since then OCNN has expanded during a time of media cutbacks, and now reports on such topics as what Ochocinco did last Saturday night, how Ray Rice felt after seeing “The Blind Side,” and what kind of sexual positions Chris Cooley and his wife use most. The network is soon expected to pass CNN and MSNBC in ratings. But other members of the press are starting to expect more.
Radio commentator Rush Limbaugh has said OCNN’s growth is due “social concern.”
“The media has been very desirous that a black wide receiver do well in its business,” Limbaugh told listeners.
But it isn’t just conservative members of the media that are publicly calling out OCNN for its journalistic failings. MSNBC correspondent Keith Olbermann spoke out Wednesday night on his show.
“Chad Ochocinco, sir – if that is even your name, sir,” railed Olbermann. “You have within your power to help bring change that this country desperately needs. Health care, sir. Gay marriage, sir. And an immigration policy that serves the many people in this country that share your Mexican background. There are two unjust wars being waged, sir. Or do you not care to have Pat Tillman’s blood on your hands?”
Ochocinco has been uncharacteristically silent on the criticism. His most recent Twitter update read, “@tammytorres roses are red violets are blue no more being lonely now I have youPOWTHAT WAS SO CORNY”.