The NFL combine has begun. While scouts will break down every little thing about each player how fast he runs, how high he jumps, how he conducts himself in an interview they should not forget to mine the valuable football information that comes from photos.
Today SportsPickle presents the photo scouting report on Tim Tebow, QB, Florida.
Andrew Martin today placed the franchise tag on his girlfriend, Stephanie, after it became apparent the no-good slut was probably going to leave him for one of the other guys she was banging.
“The franchise tag is not the ideal situation,” said Martin. “I would have liked to have worked out a longer term agreement. But at least this way I have her locked up for the next year. She cheats, but she is amazing in bed. Probably because she has had a lot of practice, the whore.”
Due to receiving the franchise tag, Stephanie will receive all the attention and gifts afforded to the average girlfriend of her age (24), measurements (34-26-34), hair color (brown) and income ($47,500).
Stephanie Jacobs says she is okay with being franchised.
“I don’t know that I was going to leave him,” says Jacobs. “And I’m not a slut. I resent that accusation. I don’t cheat. I just flirt and keep my options open. I mean, I’m still young. And I don’t see a ring on this finger. But I’ll be a team player for the next year and see where that takes us.”
Another guy could still lure Stephanie away from Martin, but would have to surrender two sisters.
“She’s mine for the year,” says Martin. “I’m excited. But let me set the record straight – Stephanie is a no-good tramp. She calls what she does flirting? Is there usually penetration in flirting? No? Yeah, that’s what I’ve been trying to tell the skank.”
Andrew and Stephanie will try to resolve that difference and others in the coming franchise year.
“If I didn’t want her long-term, I wouldn’t have franchised her,” said Martin. “But over the next year, I’ll try to add some depth in case things don’t work out. There’s a cute barista at the coffee shop I think I could get. And there’s the new intern at work who is super hot. Maybe I bring them into the fold and let Stephanie hit the market after this year, who knows.”
No matter what happens in the future, Stephanie says she has made her mark with her boyfriend.
“I gave him herpes and genital warts,” she said.
Jimmy Johnson is in a new ad for ExtenZe. The commercial is full of subtext because penis pills are a delicate subject matter especially when the maker of the product being advertised has been nabbed for false advertising and unfair business practices, and the product is not FDA approved.
I mean, you can't just come out and say: "This doesn't work! But we would still like your money!" Hence: subtlety.
Let's examine the ad.
The commercial's transcript follows. Bold is the transcript, non-bolded is the subtlety!
"I’m Jimmy Johnson and I recently became the spokesperson for Extenze, the No. 1 maleenhancement tablet. You know it's No. 1 because it has an unnecessary Z in the name. All quality, reputable drugs are named as though they are mid-90s rappers. Everyone knows this. Even though I’m the winner of four collegiate and professional football championships and have a sportscasting career, I can still use more money and I'm not a REAL journalist, so I have no problem doing a commercial like this. I’ve been surprised at the one big Get it? BIG! Like a really giant penis! A massive throbbing cock!!! Just picture it! question guys ask me these days: “Does ExtenZe really work?” Can you believe it? I can't. If I was a regular guy who could ask me a question, I'd ask something like: "Did your Miami Hurricanes teams smoke crack in the locker room?" Or: "Why didn't you release Michael Irvin and call the cops when he stabbed a teammate in the neck with a pair of scissors? Do you have no morals?" Or: "Is Michael Strahan as big a douche in real life as he appears to be on television?" But, no. They ask about ExtenZe. So here’s my answer: it works for me Remember that huge dong I had you imagine a few seconds ago? Now picture it on me! That's right. I'm hard right now. and since ExtenZe has sold over a billion tablets to men, I’m thinking it works for them, too.Because sales = greatness. Just look at the Top 40! All of that music is AWESOME. Most men want to perform the best they can in just about everything. Isn’t that why we buy the biggest There's that word again! It refers to my huge dick! and best of everything? So if you want that maxiumum performance edge every day, I say go long with ExtenZe [throws ball]. I do. [Note: ExtenZe may make your manhood larger. However, as evidenced by how I just threw that football, it will NOT make you throw like a man.]"
"[Announcer]:If you call now, we’ll send you a week’s supply of Extenze absolutely free. All you pay for is the postage stamp. You'll also give up your dignity. Because we send it an a big ass box with ExtenZe written in huge font on the side, so all your neighbors know you have a micropenis. And we’ll also send you an invitation to have dinner with Jimmy Johnson at an upcoming ExtenZe dinner event.Classy! Dinner with Jimmy and a free week’s supply of Extenze, all for the cost of a postage stamp. Call now. Use your pinky-sized penis to dial the phone!"
"I don't know. Who do you have hiding in your pants?"
You can't spell "D'oh!" without O.
The Cincinnati Bengals reportedly have contacted the attorney of a man recently convicted of killing two people in the city about playing for the team this season or as soon as he is released from prison.
“We’re trying to bring a certain toughness and aggression to this team that the Bengals have been lacking,” said head coach Marvin Lewis. “That is why we have renewed our effort to acquire as many players as we can with criminal records. It’s been my experience that you won’t find a tougher, harder football player than one who has served time or is at least willing to commit a felony."
Lewis says he saw this philosophy succeed in Baltimore when he helped coach the Ravens to a Super Bowl title. While the team has just signed Matt Jones and is reportedly interested in Pacman Jones and Donte Stallworth, the latest person on the team's radar isMark Vandenburg a 25-year-old Cincinnati man and former high school football standout who was convicted last week for killing two people in a botched armed robbery attempt.
“They’ve been covering this guy’s case on the local news and I knew as soon as I saw him that we had to see if we could get him on our team,” said Lewis. “He’s ripped and, of course, he has the requisite criminal background. We can coach a guy up when it comes to football, but that criminal mindset is something that only a very few special ones have. And this guy has it.”
Lewis says the Bengals attorneys are working to overturn Vandenburg’s sentence or set up a work release program that would allow him to suit up for the team on Sundays this fall.
“It’s not like he’s a totally bad guy. He never intended to murder those people at the convenience store,” says Lewis. “He was just trying to rob the place, but then the cashier had to go and push the button under the counter to alert the police. So he had to kill them. What we want is for him to get released from jail so he can use that killer instinct to go after the quarterback. We’re hopeful that the Bengals fever that gripped this city in the past year will be enough for the judge to do us a favor here.”
Vandenburg would join the Bengals impressive – and rapidly growing – list of criminals and troublemakers including Jones, Larry Johnson, Cedric Benson andRey Maualuga.
“This is my seventh year with the Bengals, and I’m slowly but surely getting my kind of players in the system,” said Lewis. “I’m confident we’re close to winning a championship here. I want this city to have a team it can be proud of.”
Another Super Bowl has come and gone, and with it, a bunch of ads. SportsPickle has taken the liberty of grading these ads. So if you Tivo’d the Super Bowl and want to know which ads to skip, this is the guide for you.
Also: the Saints won. Spoiled it for you, dumbass!HA!
Product: Bud Light
Description: A guy invites his friends over to his new place, which is made entirely of Bud Light cans. His friends do not experience the horror, revulsion, and pity that most would experience upon discovering their friend built a house out of beer cans. Instead, they drink eagerly. YAY! Man time!
Objective: To show viewers just how much Bud Light means to these characters.
Grade: F-. This person is badly in need of a 12-step program and his friends are enablers.
Super Bowl XLIV may have earned record TV ratings, but that has to be of little consolation to the more than 1,600 NFL players who learned this week that they will be without jobs until September 2010 at the earliest in just the latest sign the U.S. economy has yet to recover.
"We wish we could tell them to all to show up on Sunday and play games, but it's not something that's possible right now," said commissioner Roger Goodell. "We'll reevaluate things in the coming months and see where we are come fall. That's all we can promise right now."
Many NFL players say they saw this coming and have socked away some of their income so they can make ends while being unemployed, but other, dumber players have been caught off guard.
"No football? Not even a Pro Bowl?" said Bengals receiver Chad Ochocinco. "I just bought a semi. And launched a new news network. I'm screwed."
Collegiate stars who were hoping to step right in to the NFL and earn huge salaries are also feeling the pinch and have had to resort to looking for alternate employment options. Collegiate legend Tim Tebow is reportedly even considering going over the border to play in the Canadian Football League. The Arena Football League is no longer an option, as it suspended operations in August 2009 due to bankruptcy.
Goodell hopes that's not in the future for the NFL.
"It's just our offseason," he said. "Relax. We're loaded. I'm actually erecting a Scrooge McDuck-style, gold-filled silo in my office."
Picture Not necessarily.
With a long, grueling NFL season at a close, Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning has decided to take a rare break from football so he can clear his mind, relax and reenergize for next season. And so he has dived into film of people relaxing.
"I'm not really a normal human being," said Manning. "I don't quite know how to relax or 'chill out' as I've heard teammates refer to it. But it's something I want to do. A goal. And I know that no one accomplishes their goals without hard work. And that's what I am prepared to do."
Since arriving back in Indianapolis late Sunday night following the Super Bowl, Manning has been breaking down tape of people enjoy many different kinds of relaxation napping, laying on the beach, reading books, hiking, getting massages, surfing.
"What I do when I watch film is I look for tendencies," said Manning. "Do people stand or sit a certain way when they relax? Is there an expression they make or thing that they say? It can be any little thing. But what I've learned from football is that the littlest things make the biggest impact."
Manning has enlisted the help of Colts receivers Pierre Garcon and Austin Collie. The three of them have been showing up at the team's practice facilities at 6:00 a.m. to go through relaxation reps.
"You know what would be relaxing?" said Garcon. "Staying in bed. Why do you make us come out here?"
"We can rest when we get this relaxation RIGHT," said Manning. "Not until then. I won't stop working until I am relaxed. And I expect the same from everyone else. Do you want to have fun and be carefree or not?"
More than 106 million people watched the Saints and Colts play in Super Bowl XLIV the largest audience for a TV program in U.S. history.
Who were the people who did and did not watch the game? Here's what Nielsen tells us.
Colts backers (residents of the City of Indianapolis, including some people in surrounding Marion County)
Saints backers (residents of Earth not living in Indianapolis proper)
the few remaining living fans of The Who
former FEMA chief Michael Brown (but not until late in the game)
families of players
secret families of players
the understandably proud parents of those talking E-Trade babies
people with a mole fetish
Brett Favre (BWAAAH-HA-HA-HA-HA!)
those legitimately trying to find out who dat
non-sports fans who couldn't find the remote
WHO DIDN'T WATCH
Cooper Manning (couldn't get out of shift at Red Lobster)
Eli Manning (couldn't find his way out of ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese)
dumber Saints fans who have yet to find their way out of their paper bags
THE GODDAMN REFS HOW THE FK IS THAT NOT A HOLDING PENALTY?!?!?!
Drew Brees' son (napping)
The Who (napping)
those furiously masturbating to a tape of the Lingerie Bowl
those furiously masturbating to the Puppy Bowl
remaining living Who fans whose outdated TVs never underwent the digital conversion
sports fans who couldn't find the remote